146 | Transcending the Good Old Days
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146 | Transcending the Good Old Days
January 16, 2023
Welcome back!
This is it! The first episode of Season 4! So glad to be back - and to have you along for the ride.
Minute of Transparency: Wyoming
Today's Topic: Transcending the "Good Old Days"
Looking back
Why the rose colored glasses?
The dark side of nostalgia
// 1. LOOKING BACK
There's nothing inherently wrong with looking back. Looking at the past. Remembering days gone by as the "Good Old Days."
We all do it - and we should. I believe it's part of the Human Condition. One of those things that separates us from animals.
We've heard it said - the thing that separates us from animals is our ability to think. And while people have gone to extreme lengths to prove that there are smart animals - like certain dog breeds, dolphins, and octopi - that seem to be able to learn and apply knowledge to situations.
We would probably agree - there is a massive difference between animals and humans when it comes to our brains.
Animals are very reactive. They typically operate from innate, or instinctive impulses. And much of the "learned" behavior is simply conditioned behavior after being exposed to a situation over and over again. Go to any dolphin show - and the "smart" behavior you see isn't their idea. It took a trainer hours upon hours to teach the dolphins to do the things they do in the performances.
Similarly - a dog may roll over from time to time by accident. But in order to get the dog to do it on command requires a lot of practice and a lot of doggie treats.
But as humans - we are able to think. And even more important - we're able to think about our thinking.
This gets a little deep. But it's so important to understand this concept. It's one a therapist will burn into your brain in order to help get you through difficult times.
Why? Because even though we are capable of doing it - we don't always understand the power behind it - and how we can use it to our advantage.
"Thinking about our thinking" goes like this:
I get cut off by a crazy driver on the highway. I immediately get mad and think, "He did that on purpose - and he shouldn't be able to do that. He deserves to be punished."
That's a perfect example of how our thinking is directly attached to an emotional response - in this case anger.
As I sit there - steaming mad - I have two options:
Give in to the feelings and act on them - probably doing something dangerous in the process
Or try to figure out where those intense emotions came from - by "thinking about my thinking"
To do this - you simply question, or dispute the thoughts you are having about the situation.
It might go something like this:
"Why am I assuming he did it on purpose?"
"Maybe he just didn't see me."
"I've actually done this to people by accident."
"I wonder if the driver is getting up there in years and just isn't as alert as they were in younger years."
And as you start working through these questions you start to feel the anger lessen. At some point your rational thought fully takes over and you're able to let go of the situation and move on with your life.
Okay - back to the "Good Old Days."
As humans we have the ability to think back to things that happened in the past. And that can be awesome.
Not for everyone. For some people this may not ring true. There are people who grew up in very difficult - even traumatic situations - and there may be no "Good Old Days" to look back on. Or maybe the "Good Old Days" just look different for them. Maybe they're "Good Old Days" are in the recent past vs. the distant past. or maybe they feel like they're living in the "Good Old Days" right here and now.
So I'm not going to say that we all experience the "Good Old Days" in the same way.
But the phrase "Good Old Days" is a thing for a reason.
Because many of us look back and glorify days gone by.
According to the Merriam Webster dictionary: The phrase "The Good Old Days" refers to a period of time in the past that a person thinks were pleasant and better than the present time.
Many of us have this - many of us resonate with the idea that things in the past were better than they are now on some level.
// 2. WHY THE ROSE COLORED GLASSES?
The phrase "rose colored glasses" means seeing things favorably. Or viewing things in an optimistic way.
And for many of us - when we look back at the "Good Old Days" - we do so through these "rose colored glasses."
We tend to glorify the good and forget the bad.
Makes sense to me - especially when I look back at our 7 years in Wyoming.
I tend to remember the good things - the fun things. And I often have to remind myself that there were also the not-so-good times...
Again - psychologists probably have a word for this. Maybe it's a defense mechanism. Maybe it's something else. But isn't it strange how easy it is to fall into this trap.
Focusing on the good and forgetting the bad?
There must be something very human about this behavior. Possibly coded into our core wiring. On some level it's a survival thing.
Think about it this way. When a mother gives birth - she often tells herself, "Never again - that was so painful I would be an idiot to do that again."
But a year later - all she can remember was the miracle of life. And how amazing it was to bring that little life into the world. So she gets pregnant and goes through it all again.
Perfect example of the rose colored glasses hard at work!
But here are a few additional examples from my experience:
Dating:
For me - there are times when I can look back on the dating years as the "Good Old Days"
The freedom, the lack of commitments, the fun that came with not full adulting yet
Those high school and college years where you still had a lot of help and support from the people doing the actual adulting
But if you dig a bit deeper into those dating years you might, like me, start to remember some of the negative things:
Feeling out of place
Wondering if you'd ever find the right person
Going from the wonder of a new relationship to the realization that it wasn't going to work, and then being single again
Just a few of the thoughts and feelings that came with living in the single, or dating life
And it's when I start to remember some of those negative things that I really become thankful for the institution of marriage
Being in a long term relationship with someone I love, trust and get to spend the rest of my life with
Alcohol:
For me - this is a perfect example
The idiot in me wants to look back and remember alcohol one way:
The fun, the good feeling
The increased sociability, the parties, the camaraderie with others drinking the same way
The way you forgot about your problems
The ability to leave work at work and just chill out at home
Taking the edge off
Celebrating wins with a few drinks
Drowning sorrows in even more drinks
But then my brain kicks into high gear and says, "Wait a minute..."
What about the not-so-good moments that alcohol brought our way?
The strained relationship with my wife?
The lying and the hiding
The "get drunk then recover" game
How expensive it gets drinking as much as I was
The potential dangers of driving after a few - or a few too many
The danger of being caught in a bad state
The fear of getting caught and having to cut back or stop
And this list just keeps getting longer
But I have to work a bit harder to create this list
I have to be honest, transparent and willing to recall difficult things
Otherwise it all just looks like rainbows and unicorns...
And finally - my son's 1992 Mazda Miata:
You have to love a good classic car
A car that made a huge impact when it was released
But has also stood the test of time through clubs, collectors and people who want to relive their past
When Tyler mentioned he wanted this car, and we began the process of searching for one
I had all sorts of fun memories wash over me
Memories of seeing Miata's on the road back in the day
Seeing restored Miata's on the road today
And loving that my son appreciated the car for what it was in the early 90's
To this day, I catch myself going to the window when he fires it up - just to watch him drive away from the house in his favorite toy
However, in all that fun and glory - there are still some negatives:
Any car that is 30 years old will come with some issues
It leaks oil, and burns through it pretty quickly
The Air Conditioning doesn't work
The gear shifter came apart and they had to re-drill the bolt holes in order for it to be re-attached
The door and trunk latches don't line up the way they used to
The soft top had a hole in it and needed replaced - that wasn't a project for the faint of heart...
The seats are a bit thin, and the interior has seen better days
But again - it's so easy to focus on the good
To watch him driving it away from the house with that smile on his face and forget all of the problems it has presented over the years
// 3. THE DARK SIDE OF NOSTALGIA
I wanted to do this episode for two reasons:
I love the idea of "The Good Old Days" - as many of us probably do. I have used those words before and I resonate with the idea that things were simpler back then - and if only it could be that way now...
I heard a podcast episode that made me think about it a bit differently. The idea that living in the past can actually be problematic - and can have a dark side to it
The Podcast I'm referring to is the RobCast by Rob Bell.
The Episode: #311 - The Fauci of It All (https://robbell.podbean.com/e/the-fauci-of-it-all/)
The episode is pretty eye opening - and I'd recommend you go listen to it if you have time.
It starts out discussing the reality of the day - which for him was September 2021.
He explains that walking around LA he saw two very different narratives being perpetuated:
On the one hand he saw a sign that said, "Arrest Fauci."
And the next second he saw someone wearing a T-shirt saying, "Team Fauci"
He acknowledged the discrepancy - and then went on to describe the "Arrest Fauci" side in a bit more detail
He said, "The 'Arrest Fauci' group is the same group that pushed the following agenda in other arenas:
The election was stolen
Election volunteers were culpable - and probably altered the results
Health Care professionals don't know what they're talking about when it comes to masks and social distancing
The Capitol Police guards who tried to describe their experience on January 6 are just lying
It wasn't an insurrection after all - just a march for justice
And finally, this group is championing new, strict voting rules that only impact certain groups of voters - those who are minorities, and those who don't have access to things the average person does - like transportation
Above all - this group appears to have a disdain for the government. Completely discounting everything that the government does to make our lives better. And our way of life less chaotic.
He explains that this disdain for government is coming from a deep place - a place of resentment.
Resentment for the following reasons:
"Things aren't how they were"
The world has changed - our world has changed in this country
Increased diversity
Loss of status in the world
etc.
"Change is a form of loss, and loss is a form of change"
When your life changes - there is a sense of loss
This leads to one of two things:
An opening up to the assumption that we are moving into a new space
A demand that things return to what was
Resentment is when you get stuck in your emotions. And if your emotional response to the world changing is, "I must return to what was - the 'Good Old Days' for example" those emotions, and that resentment is going to keep expanding until it becomes a bit irrational:
Things become all about us
We regress into selfishness
My Rights are important - but the Responsibilities are downplayed
It's all about me, and my rights - vs. the greater good
We lose the ability to imagine new things
We lose the ability to see the good in others
For example - the ability to view Fauci as simply doing his job, attempting to help others
Instead - he must be wrong, or maybe he had an ulterior, sinister motivation behind it all
And when we are thinking this way, we're susceptible to people who agreeing with us and offer a solution
Think "MAGA" or "Make America Great Again"
At it's heart is the desire to return to the "Good Old Days" - Days we were comfortable with - days that felt safe
The other thing that explodes amongst this group are Conspiracy Theories
Theories that provide answers where there are no answers
Ideas that simply corroborate your beliefs and perpetuate your worst fears
And finally - when filled with resentment:
Those on the other side are seen as the enemy
People who volunteer, people who are open to inclusivity, people who are able to see the needs of others
These people are often made fun of - because a resentful, selfish person sees that behavior they just don't understand it
And we make fun of the things we don't understand
Now...that was a very long summary of Rob's podcast episode. But it's the core idea of this episode.
The idea that getting too caught up in what the "Good Old Days" were like can actually create a level of resentment for the way things are today.
And this resentment - if left unchecked can lead to some pretty irrational behavior. Selfish behavior. Polarizing behavior.
Behavior that is on the rise these days unfortunately.
But what can we take from that?
If this is true - what does it mean for us? What can we do to keep from becoming resentful, selfish and polarized?
From my perspective - it all comes down to drawing a line in the sand.
A line on the "Good Old Days" spectrum. Somewhere between viewing the past as terrible, and viewing it as something we must get back to in order to keep our civilization from crumbling...
And my friend - I can't draw that line for you!
I can only draw it for myself.
For me it looks something like this:
It's ok to reminisce about the "Good Old Days"
Riding dirt bikes around Powell, WY
Climbing Heart Mountain
The music and movies of the 80's
My years in high school and college
Our first house and the life we had then
Whatever it might be for you...
But from there - we need to put those things in their proper place. Fun to look back on. Fun to think about. Shoot - get a few tattoos to remember some of them. But let that be the end of it. Because we're probably looking at them through those rose colored glasses.
We're seeing the good - without the bad. The nostalgia without the progress we've made since then.
And if you start to feel yourself getting angry that life isn't the way it was. If you start to feel yourself focusing on your rights and what has been taken from you. Take a time out - and think about the why behind the what.
Are the changes in life creating loss for you? A loss that is so painful you would do anything in order to get your previous life back?
If so, think it through. Make sure you're thinking clearly. Make sure you aren't jumping on a bandwagon fed by the same fear you're experiencing.
And entertain the idea that there might be a different approach.
There may be people living in the middle. People who choose not to polarize. People who are standing in the discomfort that comes with change, progress and being open to new things.
I'm not going to lie - this isn't the easiest thing in the world. Change is hard. Progress is hard. Because there is comfort in the past. There is safety in thinking you have your world all figured out - and can protect yourself from all perceived threats.
But that just isn't reality.
Our world is changing - and it's changing fast. And nothing we do is going to take us back to the "Good Old Days."
Our job this year is to create "Good Days" moving forward.
By being the change we want to see in the world. By being there for each other. By living the Jesus way and reaching out to those around us - including them and letting them know they have value.
I believe there are many people out there awakening to this new way of thinking. Deconstructing the legalistic, fundamental and political beliefs that have held us in an invisible prison for so long. Opening our eyes to the world around us, the people around us and the choice we have to be better. To "Transcend Human" if you will...
Let's Land the Plane:
This week - ask yourself these questions:
When you think of the "Good Old Days" what comes to mind?
Are you pretty good at seeing the past for what it is? Both the good and the bad? Or do you see through rose colored glasses most of the time?
Can you see the dark side of nostalgia? How it can lead to resentment - and even polarization from others?
This week take a few minutes to ask these questions and decide for yourself how you want to view the "Good Old Days" in the future.
Thanks for joining us - so glad I get to do this with each of you.
Also! So fun to kick off Season 4!
I'm looking forward to another year of felt need topics
Tammy and I will be back with episodes from the Transcending Stories Series
And who knows - maybe I'll throw in a series or two beyond that
So have a great week, and as always - keep Transcending Human!
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