069 | Transcending Negativity
July 5, 2021
Minute of Transparency: Endless Cycles
Today's Topic: Transcending Negativity
In this episode:
Reading the glass
The roots of negativity
Positively joyful
// 1. READING THE GLASS
We've talked about this before - the whole water in the glass illustration:
Typically you are offered two options right?
The glass is half full
The glass is half empty
But in our previous discussion (Episode 037: Transcending Our World View) I suggested there may be at least 4:
Optimist: Glass is half full
Pessimist: Glass is half empty
Realist: There is water in the glass, and if you let it sit too long it will evaporate
Idealist: If we added some flavored powder we would have Kool-Aid
Now this episode focuses specifically on negative thinking. So out of the 4 listed - that really winds up being these two:
The pessimist - as they tend to take the negative approach to every situation:
Even if the chance of it being a positive thing is over 95%
They simply can't imagine that something will turn out well
So they always look for the bad and expect that it will happen
The realist - is less interested in whether or not something is positive or negative - and instead call out what they know to be real or true:
According to the Urban Dictionary: "Realists have a firm grip on reality and can see things for what they are, not what they are told they are. Realists have their own views and do not fall victim to propaganda, misconception, or titles!”
However, in seeing things as they are - you often see that they are potentially bad, dangerous or negative
And the realist is ok with calling that out - because it is reality
So let me illustrate both:
The pessimist:
One of the best illustrations of the pessimist is the SNL sketch called Debbie Downer
A very simple sketch, typically involving Debbie and her family, or a group of friends, or coworkers
Throughout the sketch Debbie takes the pessimistic view on everything
Someone says something positive, and she finds the one kernel of negativity in it
And nothing she says is uplifting - just one negative thing after another until the entire group feels depressed
The realist:
In this case I'm going to have to use myself as the illustration
Because my wife and I have this argument all the time
She fancies herself as the optimist
And she tells me I'm a pessimist - to which I always reply: No, I'm a realist...
Because that's how I feel most of the time:
I'm not necessarily looking for the negative
But I see things for what they are - and that yes - there are often negative outcomes to the things we do in life
Let me illustrate:
You're driving on a wet road and it has just started raining
It isn't raining hard - so visibility is still good
An optimist will say, "Nothing bad will happen - it's just a little rain."
A pessimist will say, "This is when accidents happen. I'm not going out until it stops raining."
And the realist would say, "Research shows that roads are the most slippery for the first 10-15 minutes of a rain event. Therefore - slow down a bit and use caution. And watch out for those who are not being cautious as they can cause issues for you even if you are driving safely."
Notice the difference?
The pessimist is negative just because it's their nature
The realist is negative when they see a potential problem
Okay - let's get back on topic as that was a bit of a rabbit hole.
We're not here to determine who is a pessimist and who is a realist.
Truth is - both of these tend toward negativity. Either as a personality trait, or simply in viewing the world around them and calling out the negative.
So either way - I'm speaking to myself - as I tend to fall into one of these two categories.
// 2. THE ROOTS OF NEGATIVITY
So where does negativity come from?
Are we born with it?
Do we learn to be negative?
Do we become negative after a few too many bad things happen to us?
Well, apparently there are multiple theories... Here are just three explanation from the research I did:
Kendra Cherry in an article titled, What is Negativity Bias?
Suggests we are all born with negativity bias
And just like it sounds - our bodies are biased toward the negative
We are quicker to notice negative things
Our brains work harder to make sense of negative events and situations
And overall - we tend to focus on negative things far more than positive ones
Next, John Brandon's article titled, Science Says There's a Simple Reason You Keep Thinking Negative Thoughts All Day
Suggests it is just a brain chemistry thing
We have this chemical in there called Cortisol
A chemical related to our hormones and stress levels
Basically, a chemical alarm system - Cortisol is responsible for producing negative thoughts - and in essence warning you of impending danger
And apparently our brains love Cortisol as much if not more than they love dopamine - the good feeling drug...
And finally, Bree Maloney, in her article titled, The Damaging Effects of Negativity
Suggests negativity often comes from being depressed or insecure
And that as it is with many things - it can become a learned bad habit
After giving in to these thoughts too many times - the brain creates a neural pathway that encourages sadness
These thoughts eventually distort the truth and make it even harder to break the cycle
So who has it right? Which of these people do we believe?
I would suggest all of them!
What if Negativity Bias was baked into our psyche? And what if it is Cortisol that is acting on our brain in those situations? And what if after dealing with this for an extended period of time, we enter periods of depression or insecurity?
See how that works? Each could be focused on a separate piece of the puzzle. Speaking to the part of the issue that they find the most interesting.
But let's get a bit deeper into what negativity looks like in real life.
Bree Maloney goes on to offer this list of ways negativity manifests itself:
Cynicism: A general distrust of people and their motives
Hostility: Unfriendliness towards others; unwilling to develop relationships
Filtering: Only noticing the bad in what should be a happy experience or memory
Polarized Thinking: The belief that if something or someone is not perfect, then they must be horrible
Jumping to Conclusions: Assuming something bad will happen because of circumstances in the present
Catastrophizing: The belief that disaster is inevitable. (Taking something small and blowing it out of proportion)
Blaming: Blaming others for personal maladies, and feeling that you are a victim to life’s uncontrollable events
Emotional Reasoning: Using your emotions to define what is real and what is not. (This is HUGE and why it is so important to NOT allow emotions to rule your thinking and behaving. Needs to be the other way around)
Fallacy of Change: The thinking that if people or circumstances change, you can then be happy. (Ever see this played out in a marriage? One spouse trying to change the other so they will be happy?)
Heaven’s Reward Fallacy: Type of negativity that assumes there will always be a reward for hard work and sacrifice. When the reward does not come, you become bitter and depressed. (Ouch - I fell for this hook, line and sinker in the past. Maybe I'll tell you that story at some point...)
Now I LOVE this list - not because it is the definitive, end-all-be-all list. But simply because she takes the concept of negativity - and makes it real.
I'm pretty sure looking through the 10 examples we can find a few we fall into - right?
Ways that we are negative with the world, with ourselves, our circumstances, with those around us?
And for me, one of the biggest is the Fallacy of Change.
Bree explained it as: "The thinking that if people or circumstances change, you can then be happy."
But I want to flesh it out a bit more. And call out these two concepts:
Comfort
Happiness
Because I believe these two things can be at the heart of our negativity. Doesn't sound right - I know. But hear me out:
I would suggest comfort and happiness are two ideals we might strive to attain - but will never reach
Just as a perfectionist never reaches perfection
We work so hard to live the life of comfort - but never quite achieve it
We work so hard to find happiness, but something always gets in the way
And when we aren't successful in achieving true comfort or happiness - the negativity takes hold
We become angry, irritable, frustrated that we seem so close - but just can't reach the plateau we see off in the distance
Social Media tells us it's possible
We watch our friends and acquaintances post about their comfort and happiness
So we come to believe that it's possible
Only it isn't...
Now I know - that sounds grim at best. But for those of you that have been here since the beginning - you know this isn't the end of the story.
It isn't me being a Debbie Downer. It's me being the realist. Telling you the truth about how we process the human condition.
And if comfort, or happiness is what is driving you - you're headed down the wrong road.
If you want more info on this go back and listen to the following episodes:
004: The Great "Happiness" Debate
008: The Safety & Security Trap
030: Transcending Earthly Desires
051: Transcending Comfort
Spoiler Alert: In those episodes we came to the following conclusions:
Instead of making happiness the goal - learn to find joy and contentment in what you have
Realize that comfort = stagnation. And that if you want to continue to mature, and grow - you need to step out of comfort and challenge yourself in difficult situations
Happiness & Comfort should not be our driving motivator... As a Christian, Heaven should be my motivator. Heaven is the place where happiness and comfort are baked in. Not here on Earth. If we can just start to view the human condition through that filter - we'll be far less disturbed, and far less negative
Let me be clear, there is nothing wrong with experiencing happiness and comfort from time to time. But just don't make them the end goal in life here on Earth. Then you'll have a fighting chance at fighting negativity in your life.
// 3. POSITIVELY JOYFUL
Sounds great right? What must it feel like to be positively joyful?
Well, you need to break it down and look at the two words by themselves:
Positively: Being positive vs. being negative
Joyful: The whole idea that you can find joy in life regardless what the circumstances are - even if they aren't happiness-producing circumstances
So let's get practical. What does this mean in real life.
Are we supposed to be Pollyanna type people? Smiles on our faces even though our clothes are on fire?
No! Definitely not. If anything - this is the dark side of optimism.
When an optimistic person is overly optimistic - they've lost touch with reality. They have blinders on to the fact that there is bad in the world. There is evil. And there are things to look out for.
Have you ever been around a person like this? I have...
Someone who is painfully optimistic? You can just tell that if this person was forced to say one negative thing - or if they accidentally said one negative thing - they would literally go up in flames!
These people are out there. And it is difficult to be around. I don't know about you - but I'm not inspired around them. I almost feel sad - that they can't admit when something bad happens. When something was flat out wrong. But they have to try and find the silver lining.
Stop! Just be ok with the fact that it was bad. That is was wrong.
So there is obviously a balancing act here - right?
We shouldn't be Pollyanna - and yet - if we go too far the other way we run the risk of allowing negativity to drive us in the ways we discussed earlier.
And that's not good either! Bree also listed a few of the side effects associated with negativity:
Headache
Chest pain
Fatigue
Upset stomach
Sleep problems
Anxiety
Depression
Social withdrawal
Drastic changes in metabolism (i.e. overeating or under-eating)
So what then? How can we live a more balanced life and not give in to the tendency to be negative?
Well Bree offers 5 things that should help us move in the right direction:
Learn to recognize what is REAL. See both the good and the bad in the world. The more you become a realistic optimist, the more you will be able to focus your energy on the positive. Basically - being an optimist AND a realist at the same time
Live in the moment. Focus on the task at hand, and avoid thinking of past mistakes or future fears. If a negative thought enters your head, respond with at least three positive affirmations immediately. Positive thinkers can control their mind and are aware of which thoughts enter their head. We also need to plan, set goals and think about our future - but choosing the right thing in the moment is key
Be positive. If being positive is a habit, then you need to practice optimism everyday! Participate in activities that cultivate happy thoughts–like hobbies, spending time with loved ones, and meditation. Engage in uplifting media and conversations. On some level this is like telling an alcoholic to just stop being an alcoholic. But I get it - negative people need to learn to see the positive in situations if possible and focus more on those in order to form a different habit
Turn your negativity into action. Experiencing negative emotions and thoughts is inevitable, but positive thinkers know how to turn those negative statements into action. For example, a positive thinker may look in the mirror and see that she has gained a bit of weight over the holiday season. Instead of dwelling on her appearance, she uses it as motivation to live a healthier lifestyle. Another way to look at it is like this. At work, one of our core values is this rule that you can't put down an idea if you don't have one of your own. Or another way to say it: You can't complain about something if you don't have a solution to offer. And that's how I'm taking this one - we need to turn our negativity into solutions - things we can do to fix the negative thing we see
Spend time with uplifting people. Negativity is contagious. Don’t catch the pessimist bug from someone else! Instead, spend time talking with those who care about you and leave you feeling enlightened and content. Humans are social creatures, and developing a healthy network of family and friends can help you to see the glass half-full. Definitely important to be around people who don't drag you down. Not that they're going to change you into a card carrying optimist...but at least they aren't going to push you toward pessimism...
And finally, Kendra Cherry - from our article on Negativity Bias has a few suggestions:
Stop negative self-talk:
Reframe the situation
Establish new patterns
Savor positive moments
Her first two suggestions are straight out of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy playbook.
Understanding that our thinking can keep us stuck in bad habits - in this case thinking negatively
So the recommendation is to actively think about our thinking
See how often we go negative, and choose to think differently
Choose to reframe it - or see situations in a different way
Then the last two are more behavioral in nature:
Actively doing things to be more positive
Adding things like exercise to your life
Changing the music you listen to
Watching more uplifting television
Reading books that are more positive in nature
And finally, savoring the moments that are positive
Seeing positive moments when they come up - and locking those in your brain
Choosing to mark them as good memories you can look back on vs. all of the negative things you keep on file
And finally, if your negativity looks more like complaining. I listened to a great podcast episode the other day.
Called: You Can Do Hard Things by Jenni Allen - Founder of the IF: Gathering.
https://www.jennieallen.com/blog/you-can-do-hard-things
Might be a great resource to you if complaining about life's difficulties is something you struggle with.
Let’s Land the Plane:
This week - ask yourself the following questions:
What type do you resonate with?
Optimist? Pessimist? Realist? Idealist?
How does this impact for level of negativity?
What can you do this week to move toward more positive thinking?
Have you ever thought about where your negativity comes from?
Could it be a focus on comfort or happiness in this life?
If so, work this week to be more joyful, and try something that will move you out of your comfort zone
How can you be Positively joyful this week?
Pick a few of the things we talked about and put them into practice this week
See if it doesn't take a chunk out of your negativity
And that's where we'll end things today. Thanks for being with us.
Have a great week, stay positive, and keep Transcending Human!