031 | Transcending Moderation
September 14, 2020
Minute of Transparency: COVID and Amazon (Online shopping…)
Today’s Topic: Transcending Moderation
In this episode:
Moderation is For Kids
Adults are Adults
It’s Okay to Moderate
// 1. MODERATION IS FOR KIDS
It’s funny to me how our culture places a HUGE wall in our lives right around the age 18:
Prior to 18:
This wall is massive
And keeps you from doing all sorts of things when you’re younger than 18
It locks you in
It protects you
It keeps you from seeing too much or doing too much
After 18:
Someone hands you a key that opens a little door in the wall
You step through - and all of a sudden you exposed to everything
No holding back, no boundaries, nobody telling you you can or can’t do certain things
You’re an adult - and it is now up to you how you want to live your life
Just for the fun of it - here’s a list of 18 things you get to do when you turn 18:
An article written by Meara Isenberg on QCOnline.com: https://qconline.com/life/south_of_20/18-things-you-can-legally-do-when-you-turn-18/article_a0e47681-1515-576b-980d-12060319dd6d.html
Get a tattoo
Donate blood
Buy fireworks
Buy spray paint
Sign contracts
Sue someone or get sued
Buy live animals
Work at any job
Make your own medical decisions
Serve on a jury
Change your name
Vote
Run for state office
Get a bank loan
Buy lottery tickets
Register for selective service
Get married without parental consent
Skydive without parental consent
Now I know - there are still restrictions. There are a few things you can’t do until you’re 21. The biggest of which is drink alcohol…
But let’s look at how well that works:
My daughter has a friend who recently left the state to go to college in the Midwest
And because of the whole COVID situation, they were in their dorms a week early - unable to do a traditional Freshman Orientation - so what did they all do?
They partied of course!
Hundreds (possibly thousands) of 17, 18 and 19 year old Freshman - getting together to party because there was nothing else to do...
And this is (on some level) socially acceptable - right? I mean we look the other way and pretend that it doesn’t happen - until something bad happens…
We send our kids off to college knowing that drinking is a common occurrence. Fraternities, Sororities, tailgating before football games, off campus get togethers, etc. Each of these is often fueled by alcohol. And we look the other way as if it is a right of passage.
Now before you start calling me a prude, just know that I’m not speaking up about it either. I’m not doing anything to bring about change. And I can’t pretend that I didn’t partake in the same behavior when I was their age…
But as an adult, looking back at it, you can see the discrepancy so much more clearly…
The truth is:
“18 year old college students often have little to no regard for their own personal safety - engaging in risky behavior they don’t fully understand. And this is without alcohol! Add unlimited access to alcohol - a chemical known to decrease impulse control - and the sky is the limit when it comes to the potential for our kids being in dangerous situations. ”
To summarize… Our culture is built on the following concepts:
If you are less than 18 - your life needs to be “managed”
Once you are 18 - nobody should tell you what to do
A final illustration: The movie rating system:
If you are 18 you can see a Rated R movie
If you are under 18 - you can’t - unless you’re with someone over 18
// 2. ADULTS ARE ADULTS
So if our culture truly believes 18 is a magical age where a child becomes an adult - that must mean 18 brings the following:
Rational thought
Stability
Impulse control
An identified and accepted value system
Ability to tell right from wrong
And the ability to moderate
Which is our key concept for this episode of the podcast…
Moderation is defined by dictionary.com as: “The quality of being moderate; restraint; avoidance of extremes or excesses; temperance.”
So what do you think? Does this describe every 18 year old you know?
Ha! You’re lying if you said yes to that question…
The answer is No! Heck no…
18 year olds are not known for restraint, moderation, avoiding excess, or being temperate.
Now there is a very wide spectrum of behavior at that age. There are extremely mature 18 year olds who seem to have their heads screwed on straight. And you have complete train wrecks out there doing and trying everything that comes their way…
And you’ll have every combination in between.
Like we said, turning 18 is like being given a key that unlocks a door to a whole new world. You step in and realize you don’t know what you’re doing. So you try things, make mistakes and eventually (hopefully) learn from those mistakes.
But it can take a really long time.
For me, I’m pretty sure 25 came and went, and I wasn’t a whole lot closer to being a mature adult than when I was 18…
For some it probably happens sooner
And unfortunately there are adults still working on it at age 40…
But we all struggle to reach that point when we can call ourselves “mature adults” - whatever that means…
I guess the hope is that the list we read above will finally apply to us:
Rational thought
Stability
Impulse control
An identified and accepted value system
Ability to tell right from wrong
And the ability to moderate
// 3. IT’S OKAY TO MODERATE
So let’s say we’ve made it to some semblance of a “mature adult.”
So are we there? Have we made it? Nothing more to do?
Of course not - we still struggle between two worlds:
On the one hand we have the cultural view that we’re adults. We can do whatever we want. And nobody should be able to tell us what to do
Then on the other hand, we are a bit more mature than that, and we understand that you can’t just do anything you want to...
We’ve learned that the ideas that pop into our heads are NOT always good ideas. Bad ideas can come from a few places:
Temptation:
During the Controversy Theory series we talked about temptation being Satan’s weapon in the controversy
If this is true - it means Satan (and or one of his damaging demons) is always planting bad ideas in your head - trying to get you to do things that will set you back in life
Being a “mature adult” doesn’t mean you are free from temptation - it means you begin to recognize temptation before you blindly give in to it
Peer Pressure:
We also discussed how Satan uses others to influence our behavior
People we love, people we trust, and even popular people we don’t know but look up to
Peer Pressure can be very influential in getting us to do things we shouldn’t
But the good thing is that Peer Pressure can also be positive
Our Environment:
Maybe we had a negative upbringing
Maybe we grew up in an oppressive environment
Maybe there weren’t people in our lives that were good influences on us
Whatever the case - all of these make it harder to see the right thing to do
Bad decisions look more like normal decisions and good decisions may not even enter our mind
And finally: Bad ideas come from within us:
Human Disturbance is a very real thing
Anxiety, Depression, Mood Instability, Low Frustration Tolerance, Addictive Behavior, etc.
Our mental health can really wreak havoc with our decision-making
So it is important to understand the mental health conditions we are susceptible to
Only then can we plan ahead so the emotional ups and downs don’t do us in
So what do we do? Well, here is one solution that can help us moderate:
4 Step Decision-Making Process: When faced with a big life decision:
Step 1: Ask yourself: Is this a right or wrong thing?
If it is wrong (morally wrong, goes against your identified and accepted value system) - choose NOT to do it, and DO NOT move to Step 2
If it is NOT wrong - but seems to have some questions surrounding it - move to Step 2
Step 2: Ask yourself: What are the observable negative outcomes?
Be honest with yourself and list the cons - the negative things you’ve seen happen when people engage in this behavior
Then list the worst case scenario - the thing you’ve seen happen when a person gives themselves fully to this behavior
Step 3: Ask Yourself: What does moderation look like for me with this behavior?
Determine how much of the behavior is acceptable for you
Set boundaries to ensure you will not go past this acceptable amount
Step 4: Ask yourself: Am I sticking with the plan?
Regularly check in with yourself on your boundaries to see if you’re abiding by them
And if you’re really serious about this - tell another person and check in with them every now and then to see if they agree with you (Accountability Partner)
Now this is obviously generalized so it can apply to a variety of decisions. But let’s just pick 2 big life decisions and see how each plays out:
Scenario 1: A woman at work seems to be interested in you. You’re married - but she is so interesting and seems to have so much in common with you. You’re trying to decide what to do next.
Step 1: You run it through your morals and values filter and realize it goes against your core beliefs. You decide not to pursue things with the woman at work. You do not go to Step 2
Step 2: N/A
Step 3: N/A
Step 4: N/A
Scenario 2: A close friend tells you they have won over $100,000 at the casinos in the last 5 years. They ask you to go, and suggest they could show you the ropes.
Step 1: You run it through your morals and values filter and determine that it does not go against your belief system. You move to Step 2
Step 2: You see that your friend appears to be very successful gambling. However, you have other friends that seem to lose all the time. And you’ve seen commercials where people have lost everything they own gambling because they become addicted to it
Step 3: You decide you’re going to go - but you know you need to set boundaries for yourself. You talk through it with your spouse and determine that you can go a couple times a year, and you can set aside $250 to gamble with each time. Once the $250 is gone - you’re done
Step 4: You’ve gone a few times and each time you’ve either left ahead - or you’ve stopped when the $250 runs out. Your spouse is ok with things and your friend is complimenting you for sticking to your guns
Let’s Land the Plane: This week, ask yourself the following questions:
Where are you on the “mature adult” scale?
Would you say you’re good at moderating your behavior?
What do you think about the 4 Step Decision-Making Process?
Have you done this in the past?
And do you think it would be helpful in making good decisions in the future?
Thanks for being here again this week. Hopefully this was eye opening - or at least a good reminder that even as adults we have big decisions to make - decisions that can have a HUGE impact on our futures, and the futures of our kids.
Moderation is NOT just for kids. It’s a lifelong skill we need to learn and practice.
The important thing is the way we perceive moderation in our lives:
It’s not somebody else controlling us - telling us what to do
It’s something we are choosing for ourselves - something we’re choosing to control in order to live the best version of our life
As always, have a great week - moderate, moderate, moderate - and keep Transcending Human!