032 | Transcending Fair
September 21, 2020
Minute of Transparency: Smoke screen
Screen capture from the website: https://fire.airnow.gov/
Images from the smoke problems seen in Seattle, Portland and San Francisco: https://www.vox.com/21427857/california-wildfire-2020-oregon-washington-air-quality-smoke-orange-red-sky-health
Today’s Topic: Transcending Fair
In this episode:
The fairness game
We came by it honestly
The hidden dangers
Finding the right balance
// 1. THE FAIRNESS GAME
Growing up I’m sure we all heard a parent, teacher, coach or other adult say, “We don’t use the ‘F' word…”
At least for me - this was the ultimate cuss word - the worst of the worst. The one that if it slipped out you knew you were getting soap in the mouth for…
And unfortunately, I got to experience that soap a few times…In fact I’ll never look at a green and white bar of Irish Spring the same again…
But those were the good old days. Back when we taught kids to speak well, and refrain from using the easy words - the first words that wanted to pop out at times. Back when we taught kids to use smart words, describing their feelings instead of simply blasting the world with profanity.
Almost non-existent today right? I mean we still try to teach our kids to manage their language, but as a culture, we’re moving 100mph toward acceptance, inclusion and freedom of speech. Sounds good on the outside, but it also means profanity in music and on television is becoming a common, and oftentimes accepted thing.
But that’s not why we’re here today...
Because the “F” word we’re talking about, isn’t that “F” work of yesteryear. It’s a little different - and won’t get me in any trouble if I were to use it a few times today.
The “F” word we’re talking about today is the word “Fair.”
Not inappropriate to say out loud - but still a dangerous word as we will discover.
Dictionary.com defines fair this way: https://www.dictionary.com/browse/fair?s=t
“Free from bias, dishonesty, or injustice (as in a fair decision by a judge)”
“Legitimately sought, pursued, done, given, etc.; proper under the rules (as in a fair fight)”
So in the first definition we see fairness as being a just decision - one that is free from bias. Not influenced by anything other than the facts.
And in the second description we see a similar concept - fairness being a person, or people playing by the rules.
So I got to thinking, the concept of “fairness” really has two elements:
This understanding or belief that we should live in a society that is fair
We as people should be fair to each other
// 2. WE CAME BY IT HONESTLY
So where does this concept of fairness come from?
Well, I didn’t do a deep dive on the concept of fairness or its origins. But it seems pretty obvious to me that fairness isn’t a quality the entire world embraces:
There are countries where one ethnicity is killing another
There are countries where women are viewed as less than
There are still countries where there is a social class system
There are countries where you can be locked up without a trial - guilty until proven innocent
And there are still dictatorships where one family or party has all the power - to the detriment of everyone else
Now we come to the United States - and unfortunately it occurs to me that all of the statements I just made about other countries - can be applied to us as well:
We deal with racial and ethnic tension
There is a glass ceiling still for women
Our country is very stratified and is quickly moving toward two classes: The haves and have nots
We’ve uncovered behavior in our criminal justice system that suggests people have been locked up with little to no evidence
And there are times when it can feel like we’re moving toward a government run by a dictator…
But at the same time, the United States stands for higher things - ideals other countries don’t even attempt to reach. And though we haven’t lived up to these ideals, our Constitution does call for equality, freedom and the pursuit of happiness for all who call this their home.
So it’s possible that this might be one of the reasons we believe in “fairness” in our society/culture. Though we are far from perfect, our country is built on principles of fairness:
People are supposed to get a fair trial through access to our legal system
All people are supposed to have access to our educational system
We value hard work - and as long as people are working hard they should be able to succeed
All people should be able to get educated, own property and build lives for themselves
Another place we see fairness in action is through sports and athletics:
And this isn’t just a United States phenomenon
Think about the olympics - a universal set of games that reward hard work, and fairness in competition
The fact that they drug test, and have rules about doping, is an attempt to maintain a level of fairness
And then there’s the fact that every game/sport has a set of rules specific to it. And why is that?:
To ensure the game is fair
If there were no rules, teams would figure out unique and unorthodox ways to gain an advantage over their opponents and it would not be viewed as fair
Here’s a perfect illustration:
When I was younger I can still remember sitting with my dad, watching the Edmonton Oilers play on our little black and white television
Back in their glory days with Wayne Gretzky, Jari Kurri, Mark Messier, Paul Coffee, Grant Fuhr and the rest of them
They became a VERY successful team - in part because they had developed a new, unique brand of hockey
Instead of the hard hitting, body checking almost brawl style hockey played on the East Coast - they were a high flying, fast team with passing and shooting skills that changed the face of the game
And at some point - in an attempt to keep things fair - the NHL actually instituted rules that made it harder for fast skating teams like the Edmonton Oilers to be successful
One rule has actually become known as the Wayne Gretzky Rule - since it so blatantly shackled him and his style of play
And so it is with all modern sports. From the NFL to the NBA - rules are adjusted in an attempt to keep things as fair as possible
Amazing athletes with incredible skill are often shut down because it just doesn’t seem right that one individual should be so successful where others are not
And finally, we see fairness in our everyday routines:
Think about the rules of the road - sure they’re meant for safety - but they also ensure fairness. At a 4-way stop, everyone gets a turn to go. At a roundabout, traffic keeps moving and the person to your left gets to go first. And it’s fair because sometimes that person is you
Similarly at Disneyland - you wait in lines - lines meant to ensure everyone gets a turn - fairly
Even at restaurants - it is first come first served - which is based on fairness
So like I said - we came by it honestly…
Not only are we in a country that was built on concepts like fairness
But we see it all the time in everyday activities like sports, driving and dining
// 3. THE HIDDEN DANGERS
So we’ve seen that fairness is an attempt to level the playing field - to give everyone a chance - to make sure certain people aren’t winning at the expense of others.
What’s not to love - right?
How could something like that be bad? Or dangerous?
Great questions! Questions I’ve struggled with for most of my life.
When I got married I would say I was definitely on the “Fairness Train.” I don’t know if I was just drinking the Kultural Kool-Aid, or if it was instilled in me as a child, or if there was a religious element to it. But whatever the case - I was all about fairness - it was a goal of mine.
Then I met my wife… And she seemed to have this slightly irrational fascination with fairness. A fascination NOT with things being fair. But a fascination with the idea that life is NOT fair.
This became very clear as our kids grew. I would hear them say, “That’s not fair!” To which my wife would reply, “Life isn’t fair.” Or, “Who ever told you life was fair?”
At first it shocked me a bit. I mean, isn’t that the goal? Shouldn’t we try to be fair in everything we do? Especially with our kids?!
If I bought the kids ice cream - wouldn’t I buy one ice cream cone for each? That would be fair…
Or if two kids wanted ice cream and the third wasn’t a big fan of ice cream - wouldn’t we try to find something else for that child so they wouldn’t be left out? So it would be fair?
It just seems like the loving, good parent thing to do.
But over time I came to learn that in doing this, we are reinforcing something that will never be 100% fixed.
The cold, hard truth is this: Life isn’t fair…
We can push as hard as we want in that direction - but we won’t change that fact - there will always be things that don’t add up - things that don’t level out on the scales of life.
It’s part of the Human Condition. And as we discussed in Controversy Theory - it’s part of the Sin Virus that now exists on our planet.
These are the unfortunate results when we try our hardest to ensure that everything in life is fair:
Low self esteem
Anger
Bitterness
Anxiety
Depression
Jealousy
Prejudice
Racism
Sexism
Should I go on?
This is the hidden danger behind always wanting things to be fair - in a world where it will never happen
So here’s the million dollar question: Did I immediately learn my lesson about fairness when I met my wife?
Of course not! I still struggle with it today. And looking back, there were a number of situations where my "fondness for fairness” got me into trouble:
Lesson 1: Back problems:
Somewhere in my mid-thirties I bent over to pick up a toy off the floor and my life changed forever...
Something popped in my back and I hit the floor
For 20 minutes I lay there in pain - unable to stand up again
And that single incident set my life on a new course forever
Multiple MRIs, medication, physical therapy, etc. each time it would go out on me again
Pretty normal - right? I mean lots of people suffer from lower back pain due to an aging spinal column, and discs that start to bulge or leak?
Well not for me! I mean I grew up an active child, I played sports, I worked out, I ran for the heck of it, and I was pretty fit at the time...
It wasn’t fair that this was happening to me...
And there it was…the fondness for fairness
And it took me out for a while
I was bitter, angry and disgusted at life in general - who knows - maybe I was a little angry at God as well
How could you let this happen to me? I actually tried to exercise and do some of the right things in life - and this is how I get repaid?
Lesson 2: Cholesterol problems:
Right around the time I started to experience back problems, I found out I had high cholesterol
I pushed back on the immediate medication recommendation from my doctor and tried changing my eating habits (which weren’t bad to begin with)
I also started exercising a bit more
But at the next checkup - the numbers actually increased!
My doctor explained that I was just genetically screwed and that medication was the starting point - just to keep the numbers down
Well not for me! I had lived my whole life exercising, eating right and I didn’t smoke or drink or do drugs
It wasn’t fair that this was happening to me...
And there it was again…my need for fairness
So I did what the doctor said and have been on the same medication ever since - but I was bitter, angry and again, frustrated with God and the world for not giving me what I deserved - a life without medical problems in return for the work I had put in earlier in life
Lesson 3: Losing my job:
Up until 3 years ago I had never lost a job
I had moved on from many jobs - but it was always my choice - and something I had pursued
But in 2018 everything changed
I was released from the job I had moved my entire family to California for
It came out of the blue
It was not because of poor performance
And it wasn’t even because they needed to downsize
They just decided they wanted to, “Go in a different direction."
Now for those of you who have been in this situation you know what happens next:
Conspiracy theories abound
You know there had to be a reason
Someone didn’t like you
They wanted to remove you because it was a high salary and they know they can backfill your position with younger, cheaper talent
Or maybe they just didn’t feel like you were a fit for the organization
But of course they would never explain it that way…
Whatever the case - I was furious
It wasn’t fair that this was happening to me and my family...
Here we go again...
Anger, bitterness, fear and resentment all set in
I mean how could they do that to me? I have a work ethic that doesn’t quit
I had done everything right
I worked harder and longer than many of the other employees
And when you let someone go - there needs to be a good reason
You have to follow the process of first identifying issues that need to be worked on - and then allow the employee a chance at correcting those things
But none of this had happened - making the situation even more devastating
So there you have it - three life lessons I went through. Three situations that nearly took me out of the game for good.
And why? What was it about these three things that had such a big impact on me?
Well, when I look back I can boil all three down to my “fondness for fairness."
They weren’t fair! I had worked so hard for these things NOT to happen to me - and then they did.
Because of the justice side of me, I stood up and demanded that it NOT be so. But it was, and that’s why I struggled through each situation longer and harder than I really needed to.
After floundering for a while, the Christian side of me spoke up - maybe it was God - allowing me to experience a few things like this in order to grow me up. Maybe He allowed me to experience these things so I would better understand the truth about fairness. The fact that life isn’t fair. And the fact that due to the existence of the Sin Virus, we really shouldn’t expect it to be…
Back to my illustration of buying ice cream for our kids:
By going out of our way to make sure it is always fair - that each child has the exact same amount of ice cream, or that the third child gets a brownie to balance out the dessert run - we are in essence perpetuating the fairness myth
We are unknowingly teaching our kids that fairness is the highest value - and that without it, their lives may in some way be less fulfilling
But what if we had done the opposite?
What if we went out for ice cream, and let the third child fend for himself? If he found something he liked - great! If he didn’t - great!
Maybe next time we would end up at a cookie shop and that child would have all the choices and the other two would not
In this scenario - we’re starting to push back at the concept of fairness and we’re teaching them a couple valuable life lessons:
First, always make the best of a bad situation (maybe the third child asks for a cup full of toppings minus the ice cream - brilliant solution!)
Or better yet, maybe they learn that life can be good even if you’re in an ice cream shop and you don’t like ice cream! How useful could that tool be to his future?
At the end of the day, demanding fairness looks like this:
I’ve been a good Christian so I shouldn’t have problems
Good things should happen to good people
Bad things should happen to bad people
And when we realize this isn’t the way the world operates, we’re screwed. At least until we learn the truth about fairness and see it for what it is…
// 4. FINDING THE RIGHT BALANCE
So let’s end today by netting it out.
So far we’ve stayed at the extremes. Fairness being a good thing, and a horrible thing…
But as with all things, there is typically a happy medium - a moderate approach that works bext:
The ability to work for fairness, and yet not allow it to take us out at the same time.
And it all starts with good judgment - determining the hills to die on so to speak.
Similar to the 4 Step Decision-Making Process we talked about last week:
We need to start by determining whether or not a situation is a social justice thing:
Things we should push back against like prejudice, racism, systemic racism, sexism, human trafficking, etc.
In social justice situations like these there is nothing wrong with demanding fairness, and pushing back against the evil behind them
In fact, as Christians, it is our job to stand up for fairness in these areas - to push back and work so that everyone is treated the same based on our intrinsic value as human beings with the same Creator
Yes, we’re going to be faced with setbacks in these areas - because the world does not think like that
The evil in the world wants to push the opposite direction, and maintain the chaos through social injustice
So we have to be able to push for fairness, and at the same time not be overwhelmed by the fact that things aren’t always moving in the right direction...
Then there will be many situations that aren’t related to high level justice issues like racism:
We may still feel like justice wasn’t served - like when I was let go with little to no explanation
I definitely felt like an injustice had been done
But at the end of the day it is an organizations prerogative to restructure themselves and swap employees in and out
Regardless if it was inappropriate or not - they still have the right to do it
And it’s in situations like these, where we MUST release our “fondness for fairness” in order to move on and remain healthy.
Healthy enough to make statements like these:
“This wouldn’t be my first choice, but I’ll get through it."
“Life isn’t always fair - but I get to choose how I deal with setbacks."
“The universe is NOT singling me out. Things like this happen all the time to people everywhere.”
“There doesn’t have to be a good explanation - it can be as simple as me understanding that there is evil in the world - and nobody is immune."
So this is the balance:
Fight for fairness when it means a human being is being harmed
But releasing our need for fairness in every other scenario
Not easy for sure! But if we can do it - we win in the long run!
We are less likely to experience the negative side effects we talked about:
Low self esteem
Anger
Bitterness
Anxiety
Depression
Jealousy
Prejudice
Racism
Sexism
And instead - what backfills those things when we’re able to release our grip on fairness?
Peace
Contentment
I’m not talking about some Zen state of mind where you’re floating and detached from the world around you.
I’m talking about a mind-over-matter, proactive, reality-based ability to experience painful situations and choose NOT to play the fairness game.
If we can work toward this we will experience a level of peace that is counter-cultural. A contentment that others will see and desire to have for themselves.
With God’s help we can get there!
Let’s Land the Plane: This week, I encourage you to think about these things:
Are you fond of fairness?
If so, can you look back and see a trail of bitterness and resentment because of it?
What can you do this week to balance out your fondness for fairness?
And finally, if you’re a parent - what have you been teaching your kids?
Are you unknowingly teaching them that fairness is the ultimate goal?
If so, think about taking steps away from that
Teach them how to decide between social justice fairness, and would be nice to have fairness
I guarantee they’ll thank you for it later in life
As always, thank you so much for being here with us today.
This is where I’ll leave you this week. Until next time, be good to each other, and keep Transcending Human!