152 | Transcending Competing Values
February 27, 2023
Minute of Transparency: The End of an Era
Today's Topic: Transcending Competing Values
Bump
Set
Spike
// CHAPTER 1: BUMP
So in honor of Tyler's last volleyball season - we're going to use a volleyball motif.
Bump. Set. Spike.
It's that simple - at least the way I grew up playing volleyball.
I don't even understand today's volleyball. Gone are the days where all six players moved spots - in at the serving position and out after the top right position.
Today there is subbing in and out - movement all over the court - restrictions about where you can stand during the serve - restrictions on where you can spike from - if you can be above the net or not - and then there's that one dude that can't even adhere to the dress code. Why does he get a different color jersey?
At this point in my life I'm not even going to try and understand the rules - I'm just there to shoot some pictures and watch my son have fun.
But I still remember Bump. Set. Spike. And as far as I can tell - that hasn't changed.
You still get three hits on each side. And they typically come in the form of a bump, a set and a spike.
At least that's the goal...
So this is the language we're going to use to discuss our topic for today - which is competing values.
And I should probably define what I mean by that.
Now I couldn't one definition for the phrase itself - even on Urban Dictionary - which is strange.
So we're going to have to address each word separately:
Dictionary.com defines them for us:
Compete:
To strive to outdo another for acknowledgment, a prize, supremacy, profit, etc.
To engage in a contest
So "Competing" is the act of doing so - the act of trying to outdo someone or something else
Values:
I'm going to start with the more general ones:
Relative worth, merit, or importance
Monetary or material worth, as in commerce or trade
But the one I want us to understand comes from the world of sociology:
Here, the word "values" refer to the ideals, customs, institutions, etc., of a society toward which the people of the group have an affective regard
These values may be positive, as cleanliness, freedom or education
Or they can be negative, as cruelty, crime, or blasphemy
So let's put the puzzle together.
We have "competing values" when there are two or more things we hold in high regard - but those things are trying to outdo each other.
When we place value on two things that do not like each other.
When we try to love two things that can't be in the same room as each other.
Starting to pick up on the problem?
It's very similar to another problem we've discussed before.
This thing called "cognitive dissonance."
Psycom.net defines it this way: "Cognitive dissonance is a mental conflict that occurs when your beliefs don’t line up with your actions. It’s an uncomfortable state of mind when someone has contradictory values, attitudes, or perspectives about the same thing."
Interesting right? In fact the word "vales" is right there in that definition as well.
Back in our series called "Controversy Theory" we discussed cognitive dissonance.
In episode 16 called "The human condition is controversy related" we listed some things that lead us to experience the negative side of the human condition.
And one of those things was this: When our conscience is in conflict with our thinking and behaving
Sound familiar? That's cognitive dissonance.
And according to Jennifer Tzeses from Psycom.net there are consequences:
In the moment - you experience discomfort, stress and anxiety
Long term you can develop a pattern of rationalization, impaired decision-making and a tendency to put up walls in order to hide the behavior from those around you
So let's come full circle and get back to "competing values" - because it's in the same general family.
Like we said - we have "competing values" when we're placing value on two things that are in opposition. Two things that shouldn't really exist together.
For example - hot temperatures and cold temperatures. You can value both - but it's very difficult to value them together - in the same space. And, when they are too close together what happens?
Well, you get weather - unfortunately extreme weather. Hurricanes and tornados - right?
And so it is in our own lives. There are times when we look and realize we're placing value on two things that don't play well with each other.
Okay - back to the volleyball terminology.
This chapter is called "Bump."
In volleyball - the bump is typically used on the first hit. After the opponent has hit the ball three times and is sending it back over the net to you.
And if the opponent has done their job well - it's going to be coming over the net with great force - typically at someone in the middle to back portion of the court.
The bump is the safest way to field this incoming missile.
The player places his or her hands together and turns their wrists upward - creating a wide, flat surface.
When the ball arrives - this large, flat surface allows you to direct the ball to the next player. By changing the angle of your arms and by raising or dropping a shoulder - you can direct the ball where you need it to go.
This is very similar to Step 1 in dealing with competing values.
It's recognizing them as they crop up and become an issue. Fielding them as they come over the net so to speak.
// CHAPTER 2: SET
When we recognize that we have competing values - we have some options:
Like Jennifer said, we can get stressed out, begin to rationalize and allow things to deteriorate
Or, we can address the issue head on
Step 2 in dealing with competing values is to come up with a plan. To determine just how serous the situation is - and decide how you're going to handle it.
In volleyball - the set is the second hit:
If the bump was completed correctly - the ball should be moving high in the air toward the net - and typically somewhere right in the middle of the court
The setter will be there waiting for the ball - preparing to set it for the final hit
After the bump - the ball should be traveling a bit slower than it came over the net
This allows the setter to get under the ball - with arms out stretched above his or her head
As the ball approaches - the setter places one hand on each side of the ball - catching it with their fingertips - and then throwing it back in the same direction in one smooth motion
The setter has options:
You can set the ball low - and right in front of you
You can set it high - to the side of the court in front of you
You can set it so the ball goes over you head to the side of the court behind you
You can set it back into the court for someone in the back row
The possibilities are endless as they say...
But the final thing to touch on is the spin of the ball
A good setter - when they catch and release the ball - can completely stop the rotation of the ball
As it goes back up into the air - there is no movement - it appears to just be hanging there in space and time
A thing of beauty
Great illustration for Step 2 in dealing with competing values.
We recognize that there is a problem - we slow it down - we decide what we're going to do with it - and we tee it up just right for the next step in the process.
But...before we get there - it might be good to walk through a few examples of the competing values we face in life. And not just the values themselves - but the severity - the level of damage it is doing to your life.
Let's start with low severity:
I'll call this one The Sweet Tooth:
Competing values:
A love for chocolate
And a desire to be in shape
I didn't have to make this one up - because it literally fell into my lap last night
My son - a senior in high school - admitted that he struggles with the The Sweet Tooth
He really enjoys chocolate - and not just chocolate - but sugar in general
It's always in the house - it's in his room - he buys it when he's out with his friends
It's always around - like a warm blanket
At the same time - he also plays sports - and works out
And has a desire to look a certain way in the mirror
Now - I'm picking on my son - but only because we all deal with this on some level
We all love to eat certain things - and we all want to look a certain way
And therein lies the battle - the competition between the two values
We have to find balance in order to level the playing field and keep one value from overpowering the other
Next up - let's do one that might be considered medium severity:
I'll call this one The Workaholic:
Not rocket science - and you probably knew what the competing values were the minute I said "workaholic"
Competing values:
A desire to put 100% into work
And a desire to be there for your family
Now, I said this was medium severity - because the stakes are a bit higher
In the chocolate example - eating too much sugar might make it a bit harder to maintain your six pack
But working too much could have a lasting impact on your marriage - or the relationship you form with your children
Just a bit more important
There is nothing wrong with being a hard worker - and having a strong work ethic
But if you have a family - you'll need to find the balance point
Where you can knock the ball out of the park at work - but also be an active participant in your family
Sounds easy right? But not so easy - especially in corporate America - where capitalism suggests you work harder and harder in order to climb the ladder of success
Okay - let's wrap this up with a high level of severity:
I'll call this one the Rum and Coke Debacle:
Again - not rocket science
Competing values:
A love for the hard stuff
A desire not to have your life fall apart
Speaking from experience...
When I started drinking - I eventually landed on Rum and Coke as my drink of choice
Not sure why - but that's what did it for me
Especially Appleton Estate Rum straight from the island of Jamaica
Now - this is my story - not the same for everyone
There are millions of people who have a healthy relationship with alcohol
But for me - it went too far - and became a competing value
On the one hand I wanted to have a good job, a loving wife, a robust family, health and happiness, etc.
But at the same time - I loved that Rum and Coke
And I'm calling this a high level of severity - because the end result can be disastrous
Toward the end of my fascination with alcohol - the competing values became obvious and volatile
And if something hadn't changed - I'm not sure where I would be
Alcohol would have been the value that won out - leaving the life I wanted in the gutter somewhere
Luckily - things changed - and I no longer allow these two things to compete for my attention
So let's summarize. Like the set in volleyball - we look at the ball coming toward us (in this case the competing values we've identified).
We determine how fast the ball is coming - the severity of the competing values.
And we determine where we want to set the ball. Or what we should do about our competing values.
// CHAPTER 3: SPIKE
The final hit is typically a spike.
If the setter set the ball well - it should be drifting perfectly toward the hitter, with little to no rotation - above the net and about a foot off the net.
The hitter launches into the air to get as much height as possible - and times it so they arrive at the ball at their highest possible point.
The spike is the hardest of the three hits. A one-hand hit with a full swing - driving through the ball. Giving the ball forward rotation if possible so it dives to the ground on the other side of the net.
A textbook spike is very difficult to stop - because of the speed and the placement.
Similarly, Step 3 in dealing with competing values requires us to spike the ball.
To take the plan we came up with in Step 2 and put it into action.
Not to waver, wonder if we've made the right decision, or continue to rationalize our dueling behaviors.
But to draw a line in the sand and act.
Now - what does that look like?
Well, it will be different for every person and every situation. There is no one-size fits all when dealing with competing values.
Looking at the three examples we walked through - I can speak to two of them:
First, The Workaholic:
Now I was never a workaholic in the classic sense
The man who dresses up in a three piece suit, and heads off to work at 4am
Working in the the giant skyscraper - with an office on the 54th floor - looking out over Central Park
In and out of meetings all day - buying and selling companies that impact the economy of the world
Hiring and firing at will
Getting home at night just in time to crawl into bed - in order to do it all again in the morning
Again, not me
However, I would consider myself a hard worker - someone with strong work ethic
And when I was working for the church as a Web Director - there were many seasons where my desire to work hard was taken advantage of
Those of you who work in the church world will understand what I'm talking about
The church has a very unique way of interacting with it's employees:
In my experience, the church pays very little - but it's ok - because you're working for the Lord - so it's a ministry - and that should be payment in and of itself
And second, if you are working more than 40 hours a week - it's not really work because it's your ministry - it's just living the life God has called you to live
My wife called me out on this a few times - and what did I do? I recited the churches position on it - as if I was a clone accessing the party line database in order to explain the strange phenomenon we were experiencing
At the most recent church I worked at - staff members were expected to work the normal - 40 hour week
Then, there were Patio Duties on the weekends - before and after the weekend services
Then, there were the big push weekends - 3-4 per year where it was an All Play
All staff were expected to turn out and help deliver an amazing weekend that would get even more people to attend the church, or give to the campaign being discussed during the service - that money piece that always seems to be woven through the church experience
And finally - there was a 10-week discipleship program at this church
Every staff member was expected to run one of these groups at least one time a year - possibly two times a year
Now - if you start adding all of this stuff up - you realize there aren't enough hours in the day - or the week to fit it all in AND be part of a healthy family at the same time
And me - being a hard worker - having a strong work ethic - and being mildly indoctrinated by the church - was a recipe for disaster
I really started to feel the effects of it the last year or two as Web Director at this church
I was getting irritated every time I was asked to do something above and beyond - outside the normal work week
It was infringing on time with my family - and I just knew it was wrong - I knew something had to change
Fast forward to today - I'm no longer working for that church - and life has gone back to a more normal - healthy mix of work and family - business and pleasure if you will
Now that doesn't mean that the job I'm doing doesn't have the same opportunities for Workaholics!
I look at some of the younger guys - and they have that fire in their eyes
They work late into the evening to learn the craft, and to be seen as team players
They are held up in front of the team as examples of what a good team member should look like
And they have aspirations for moving up, reaching higher positions and of course getting paid more
All good - in fact all part of the American Dream - right? Capitalism suggests this type of behavior
But for me - at 52 - I've seen enough to know it's not my jam
Been there, done that sort of thing
I think I've turned the corner and have started to realize that life is so much bigger than work, career and climbing the proverbial ladder
Okay - that took a lot longer than I thought it was going to...
Let's finish up with the obvious one...the Rum and Coke Debacle:
Toward the end of my struggle with alcohol - I was acutely aware of my competing values:
On the one hand - I wanted to be buzzed all the time. Every day. Drinking as much as possible every day
But on the other hand - I wanted the good life - the normal life where a person has a job, a spouse, three kids, the white picket fence, a couple cars and gets to vacation a couple times a year
The problem was - these two were starting to bump into each other - just a little at first - but more and more violently toward the end
I started to realize that the drinking wanted control over my life - at the expense of the other things
And the other things wanted my time and energy - at the expense of my ability to drink
This is what it looks like when an alcoholic explains the games they played to keep drinking:
Hiding the amount of alcohol they purchase
Hiding empties
Hiding the shots they take prior to social drinking events
Hiding the amount they drink by staying up later than their spouse
All the things - but as these things pick up in intensity - your competing values become more and more entrenched in hand to hand combat
And eventually - you hit a wall
For me - it came down to a shootout at high noon
My life, and alcohol on Main street USA - back to back - pacing off 10 steps - then the turn - and the shootout begins
Luckily - my life won
Alcohol took two in the chest and was laid to rest back in 2017
Now, I love that I have personal experience with both of these sets of competing values - because each one illustrates a very important version of a Spike - or Step 3 in the process:
The Workaholic situation is a good example of moderation:
I realized that there were competing values in play - and I found a happy medium
I work - and when I work I work hard
I give my all to the team - and the projects I'm part of
But I've come to the place where I can put it down. A lot easier than before
I'm not as concerned about what the team will think - or what my boss will think
I'm able to stand up for myself - and discuss what it means to have a healthy work-life balance
And internally - I'm just not that sold on work as my driving motivator any more
It's something we all do - but not what we are
And some day that truth will become painfully clear to everyone
And when it comes to the Rum and Coke Debacle - that is a good example of abstinence:
This is the hardest thing to do - and why addictions are so difficult to deal with
Because the thing competing for your time - or maybe for your life - is also an addictive thing
Sometimes a chemical like alcohol, nicotine, heroin or caffeine
But also a behavior that produces amazing chemical reactions within you - as is the case with sex, gaming or gambling
Whatever the case - addicts often reach that place where moderation fails them
Trying to honor both of the competing values at a more healthy level just doesn't seem to work
So you have to get extreme
You realize that abstinence is the only option
Because once you get that value out of your life - the other value has free reign
You can focus on the other with your full attention, strength and faculties in place
Now - thats really all I had to say about competing values - but I realize at times that I don't paint a very pretty picture.
I'm a realist - and to me the stuff we just walked through is the reality. It's the very real struggle people have - part of the Human Condition.
We discussed different types of competing values, what they do to us, and a couple ways we can deal with them.
I even gave you a three step process to walk through - I mean that makes it pretty straightforward right?
But again - I often leave off the pretty stuff. The light at the end of the tunnel. What success looks like.
Maybe I don't need that as much as the next person. As an Enneagram 1 I find that I don't need people telling me I'm doing a good job. I hate praise. I hate public affirmation.
I just want to do a good job for me - and not have people view me as incompetent. As long as those two things are in place - life is good.
But let's end with a pretty picture. One where the future looks bright.
I can only do this using the experiences I've gone through. But that should be enough.
From where I stand today - the future is bright:
I look back - and there were bright days - but there were also a lot of dark days
Most often because I was giving in to my competing values
But looking ahead - I'm optimistic
The changes I've made in my life suggest things will be different:
More time with family
Less time focused on work, and climbing the ladder
Living the sober life
Clean mind, and every hour of the day under my control
Never wondering if I'm going to be in the right frame of mind for the activities that come my way
The ability to be in a healthy relationship - without an elephant in the room
And a new found ability to be creative
The fog has lifted - and the things I've always wanted to contribute to the world are finally able to live and breathe
That's the pretty picture - that's how things have changed for me.
And that's what I hope for each of you.
That you are able to identify, and deal with your competing values as early in life as possible. In order to give yourself the brightest possible future.
Let's Land the Plane:
This week I want you to Bump. Set. Spike in your own life:
Visualize the ball coming over the net at you - and Bump it high and to the center of the court
When it comes to you - look it over - and make a solid plan for dealing with it. Then Set the ball to the outside hitter
And finally - be the plan - embrace it - and Spike that ball so hard it's game, set match for that competing value
Thank you so much for joining me again this week. I love that I get to do this - and that we're on the journey together.
Next week - I have no idea what I'm going to talk about. I have a long list of topics I can pull from - but would also love to know what you're dealing with. And what topics you would find helpful.
So if you have one - let me know - just shoot me an email. info@transcendhuman.com
And I'll be sure to add it to my list.
Well that's it for today. Have a great week, and keep Transcending Human!