150 | Transcending Disappointment
February 13, 2023
Minute of Transparency: Drowning my sorrows
I've been fairly transparent on this podcast about the fact that I had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. But here is a slightly different variation on that theme:
Before my life blew up - I actually had a negative view of her
We had spent some time together in high school and college - but things didn't work out
So we chose not to spend time together
Then, at some point I decided to call her
We met, hung out for a while
And decided we would try dating again
It was fun at first - exciting - liberating
After all - we all deserve to be happy right?
Over time things got more intense
We started hanging out all the time
And then things just got weird - it's like couldn't live without each other
But at the same time - things were starting to change
Spending all our time together brought out a different side of our personalities
We weren't bringing out the best in each other
In fact, we were exposing things in each other that weren't very helpful
And other people were starting to see the cracks forming in the relationship
We tried to hide our problems
We put on the best face we could when we were around others
But eventually - there was nothing we could do
Too many people could see through our smoke screen
So we had to start lying - pretending that we weren't together any more
We had to start sneaking around to see each other
We had to meet in hidden and dark places
When we were apart - we thought about each other all the time
And planned how we could be together again
But this distance just made things worse
Now - when we got together - the interaction was intense and at times violent
Call it a love-hate relationship because that's what it was
With intensity on both sides:
Intense Love: Enough to keep playing the game
Intense Hatred: Enough to try and break things off
If only that was possible
By now - the hooks were embedded deep
She had a hold over me that I couldn't seem to shake
I knew she wasn't good for me - but had to have her at the same time
Every time I thought I was ready to leave, she would climb back into my life and tell me I was no good without her
And for some ridiculous reason I believed her
I thought my life would be empty without her
I thought I would never find someone else
I couldn't imagine what life would be like on the other side
But then, one day out of the blue everything changed
For some reason that day, I was just strong enough
Or maybe it wasn't me at all
Maybe it was the hand I felt on my shoulder - and the faint voice telling me I wasn't alone
A familiar voice from my past - but one I hadn't heard in a really long time
With all the strength I had left I called her - and told her it was over
I cleaned out the house - and got rid of her stuff
And began the uphill battle
I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists
I distracted myself and tried to think happy thoughts
One day down
Then two
A week
A month
And before you know it - 1 Year without her
I met other people
I started to feel like my old self again
I was able to find joy in little things again
I was able to act on my creative impulses
Do things I didn't have the time or energy to do before
And then - before you know it - another milestone
Last year - in August - I celebrated 5 Years without her
Today's Topic: Transcending Disappointment
Speed kills
Aiming for the wrong target
Reducing excess
// CHAPTER 1: SPEED KILLS
A while back I listened to a series of podcast episodes by Craig Groeschel at Life.church in Oklahoma.
The series is called "Peace of Mind:" https://www.life.church/media/peace-of-mind
And while I won't spend a lot of time on the points he made - I do want to summarize the series to help kick us off.
He starts out discussing mental health myths. Then has episodes on worry, anxiety, depression, negative thoughts, trauma and burnout.
So if you're dealing with any of these things - you might want to check the series out for helpful information on the things you struggle with.
But for me - it was a good reminder of the things that we get caught up in - things that typically lead to "unhealthy negative behavior."
And this unhealthy behavior comes out in a variety of ways - and at different levels of impact.
On the annoying, but not debilitating side are things like "worry" and "disappointment." But we can also experience more severe issues like "anxiety" and "depression."
Craig does a good job describing the difference between worry and anxiety:
Worry is specific - and typically things we have control over
Worrying about being to the airport on time
We have control over this because we determine when we leave the house
Anxiety is irrational - worrying about things we have no control over
So worrying about travel in general - and experiencing fear about things that may happen - even though highly unlikely
Now, I don't remember Craig doing the same for disappointment and depression - but I believe it's very similar:
Disappointment is specific - and something we have control over
We're often disappointed with our weight - but we can do something about it by eating better and exercising a bit
Depression, on the other hand goes deeper, and isn't rational. It's often a symptom of bigger issues
Viewing life as terrible - and having no energy or motivation to even get out of bed
These feelings can be so intense that the ability to do something about it often feels out of reach
So that's where I want to start. With this high level understanding of the unhealthy negative responses to the Human Condition.
How we respond to the difficulties that we face in life.
These aren't the only ones. People struggle with things like self centeredness, anger and addictions of all kinds.
But for this episode I simply wanted to touch on the biggies - then dial it back to disappointment.
Because I'm trying to figure out the role disappointment played or plays in my life.
In other words, looking back on my life, could I make the case, that disappointment led me down the wrong path at times?
And is that still happening today?
Now, I called this chapter "Speed Kills" for a reason.
Because I wanted to work through three very specific ideas related to disappointment - and the first is speed.
How fast we're moving through life.
Now this will be 100% different for everyone - right?
Different based on your location for sure:
Life moves at different speeds based on the country you're from
The culture you live in
If you're in the country vs. the big city
Even the region of a country can influence this. Living in the South vs. living on the East Coast vs. living in Silicon Valley
But speed in life can also be determined by your culture:
How you were raised
The religion you are part of
The belief you have about purpose and meaning in life
And finally, speed is internal:
It's within you on some level
Some people are driven - and move really fast
Others move a bit slower
And I think this exists outside the first two we discussed above
In other words - I believe there are people in Silicon Valley who just move a bit slower than others
And I believe there are people in the South who can't sit still
Because there is an internal speedometer as well...
So the obvious question is, "Who cares?" Why are we talking about speed - how fast we're moving through life?
Well, because I'm wondering if it plays a role in disappointment.
If, because we're moving so fast, we don't have the capacity at times to stop and smell the roses so to speak.
If the speed of life keeps us so off kilter that we're never satisfied - or at least only satisfied for short periods of time.
Our pastor back in the day, Mark Beeson, used to preach about this on a regular basis. And the phrase he always used was something like this:
"Velocity and intimacy are enemies."
-or-
"As velocity increases intimacy decreases."
Now he typically discussed this idea in series about marriage, or relationships.
Suggesting speed keeps you from really being with another person. Being present.
But I believe it's the same with contentment. What I'd like to suggest is the opposite of disappointment.
The faster we're going in life - the harder it might be to experience contentment. Or the more disappointment we might experience.
Now I talked about speed in terms of location, culture and something internal. But I left out one very big one on purpose...
And that's technology:
There's no getting around the fact that technology creates velocity
Nothing speeds up our lives faster than technology
The obvious discussion here is about our mobile devices, texting, email and social media
But before we get there let's talk about something more subtle
Basic technology - for example - a dishwasher
The dishwasher is something we've come to see as a given - a requirement in life
At least in my country, in my region and in my cultural setting
But when you peel back the layers - you find that the dishwasher is simply a velocity generating device
What do I mean by that?
Well - let's look at two scenarios:
First, is the couple who eats together, throws their dishes in the dishwasher and goes on to the next thing
Second is the couple who eats together, has no dishwasher, so washes their dishes by hand in the sink together before going on to the next thing
Notice the difference? In scenario 1 the act of washing dishes together is removed which speeds up life just a little
In scenario 2 it took a little bit longer to do the dishes - which slowed life down a little
Now - you can argue that the couple in scenario 1 were able to get out of the kitchen quickly - and spend more time together on the couch talking. And I would agree - 100%. Technology does provide this option at times
But the question is this - does that typically happen? Or do we tend to use the extra time to get other things accomplished?
With the time saved from the dishwasher - do we head back out, get the car washed, drop a few things off at the UPS store, and grab some snacks for the week?
Now I know - I'm probably ruffling a few feathers here:
Especially with people like my wife - go getters - people who always seem to have something important to get done
And I'm not opposed to having a dishwasher - I simply used it as an illustration
I'm not saying we should throw out our dishwasher, our stove, our washers and driers and return to a life with clotheslines and open fires
But at the same time I don't want us to miss the fact that technology creates velocity - or at least the ability for us to speed up our lives
Okay - back to the obvious thing - the devices we carry, the texting, the email and our fascination with social media
There's no getting around this one
Our laptops, iPads, televisions and phones create velocity in our lives:
They keep us connected to work, to family members and to friends 24/7
We are able to communicate with any person at any time day or night
We have access to a world of information and knowledge by simply asking our devices the right questions
And through social media we have a fire hose of data, information, images, video and ideas streaming into our minds
There's no getting around the fact that this creates velocity in life - it speeds things up
So why does speed kill you ask? Why does velocity lead to disappointment?
Well, I don't have all the answers - but here are two reasons off the top of my head:
Speed creates unfinished business:
Simply put - the faster we go - the more things we are doing
And the more things we do, the greater the responsibility
And the greater the expectations we (or others) put on us
And when we fail to keep up we typically experience disappointment in ourselves
Speed keeps us from enjoying the moment:
When we're constantly moving from one thing to the next - we don't have time to fully experience the present moment
Both good and bad
We miss out on the joy that comes from accomplishing something good because the next thing has already started demanding our attention
And we tend to lock bad things away in that dark room in our minds so we can move on and not drop any of the spinning plates above our heads
// CHAPTER 2: AIMING FOR THE WRONG TARGET
There's nothing worse than aiming for the wrong target:
Matthew Emmons, a US Olympian was on the brink of receiving a gold medal - but unfortunately he shot at the wrong target and wound up in 8th place
Jim Marshall scoops up a fumble in an NFL game and runs the wrong way into his own end zone
Tammy and I were at a high school basketball game when a player on our team knocked the ball away from an opposing player and it went in our own net - scoring points for the opposing team
And who hasn't started driving somewhere - only to realize you put the wrong address into Google Maps?
It is unfortunate when we spend a lot of time and energy on something only to find out we're aiming at the wrong target.
And this is the second thing I believe creates disappointment within us.
I believe we create disappointment for ourselves when:
We're aiming at the wrong thing
When we create the wrong target for ourselves
When we believe something is important and it really isn't
When the goals we set for ourselves turn out to be the wrong goals
Now - this is going to get a bit controversial. Because my theory here is based on a Christian world view.
So if that isn't your experience - you may take exception to some of my assertions.
But at least hear me out.
So in this chapter we're moving from the speed of life into the meaning of life.
Not how fast we're moving - but if we've chosen the right things to move toward.
We could use words like purpose and meaning. Because ultimately these words define the target we're aiming at.
As Christians - this is where we struggle - because the Bible flat out tells us we have options:
Verses like John 15:19 and John 17:14-16 are used to create the mantra: Be in the world but not of the world...
And 1 John 2:15 takes it a step further:
"Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you."
So for the Christian - we've been raised with this dichotomy - sacred vs profane. Godly vs. worldly. Spiritual vs. Spiritual vs. secular.
And this relates directly to the target we're aiming at.
We're either aiming at the things the Bible says are important - or we're aiming at the things the world says are important.
And according to the Bible - if we aren't aiming at the right thing - we're going to be disappointed.
But as we all know - life isn't that black and white.
Life happens. Or so the saying goes.
We live in the world - and we interact with the world.
So we're bound to have worldly targets. Pursuits like:
Buying a home
Driving the car you like
Making money
Playing the stock market
Making a name for yourself
Leaving a legacy
All things we find ourselves faced with from time to time. And most aren't wrong.
But where things start to go wrong is when it comes to the emphasis we place on these things.
In other words how focused we get on them.
Back to Matthew Emmons - the Olympic sharpshooter:
Matthew was the best in the world
He understood the game
He knew the rules
He understood what target he needed to hit
But when he transitioned from looking down range with his naked eye to looking through the scope of his rifle something happened
The rifle was pointed at the wrong target - and because Matthew didn't realize it - his tunnel vision took over and all he was focused on was the small circle in the middle of the blue target
It wasn't until he took the shot that he was able to look up and realize his mistake
That and the gasps from the crowd in the venue
But what a good illustration for us in life.
How many times do we find ourselves focused in on something - only to realize that it wasn't the right thing? That it was a distraction. That it was actually harming us. Or that it was leading us down a path we didn't want to go down.
For each of us this will look a little different.
For me - there is the spiritual component.
I battle between focusing on my relationship with God and others and worldly pursuits
Being focused on others or focusing on myself
Pursuing financial gain, or worldly recognition vs. growing closer to the Creator of all things
So for me - this is where disappointment comes in:
First, when I achieve worldly goals and realize they were the wrong goals - that's disappointing
Second, when I don't achieve worldly goals and start to feel sorry for myself - that's disappointing
And finally, when I realize I'm aiming at the wrong target - that's disappointing
So what do I do with all that disappointment?
Well, my working hypothesis is that drinking seemed to help.
That by drinking I was able to drown out my disappointment and keep moving forward.
I was able to forget about the fact that my worldly success wasn't fulfilling. And that I was missing the mark in many areas of my life.
Unfortunately this little home remedy blew up in my face - and became one more thing I failed at.
Again - I'm not going to blame my struggle with alcohol completely on disappointment - but I think I could make the case that it played a supporting role.
// CHAPTER 3: REDUCING EXCESS
The final thing I wanted to talk about today is excess.
We've talked about the speed of life, and we've talked about aiming at the wrong target.
But we also live in a world of excess. Materialism. Capitalism. The desire for things. For stuff.
At least in the US - and especially in places like Orange County - where I live.
The world is your oyster - and everything is at your fingertips.
Living here you see the entire socioeconomic spectrum spectrum right outside your door:
The homeless - or unhoused as they are called now
The migrant working in landscaping and agricultural settings
The mid level occupations - the teachers, retail workers policemen and technical careers
The upper class with multiple homes and boats in the marinas
All the way up to the ultra rich - those who drive their Lamborghinis' and McLarens' to pick up their kids from elementary school and have vacation homes in the South of France
Like I said - the entire spectrum - sponsored by this little thing we call Capitalism.
A good thing - don't get me wrong. But at the same time - it's Capitalism that allows for these socioeconomic extremes.
Capitalism is based on excess. And it's based on material goods - or what I'll just call "stuff:"
Making stuff
Selling stuff
Having stuff
Buying stuff
Having more stuff than your neighbors
Showing off your stuff
And yes - even stealing stuff
Or taking stuff from other people legally - through loopholes in the system
But what does stuff have to do with disappointment?
Well, that should be obvious. If our target is the stuff. We're setting ourselves up for disappointment:
Because there's always more stuff
We never have enough stuff
People always have better stuff
And when you get the stuff they have you realize there's a whole different level of stuff you didn't even realize existed
And here's the other problem - they keep making newer and better stuff
See where this is going? Stuff is like a mirage. It's always right there in front of us. It looks attainable - but when we get there it keeps moving - just a little farther away - but still visible - and enticing.
And when we launch ourselves down this road of attaining stuff - when we make it our target - we experience disappointment along the way.
Let's Land the Plane:
First, let me try to summarize the entire episode:
I believe we can combat ongoing disappointment by doing the following:
First, Prioritize: Make sure we put first things first
And here's how:
Step 1: Focus on who made us. As a Christian - this means God. The Creator. And spending time contemplating Him. If you're not a Christian - it simply means taking the focus off yourself and your circumstances and trying to see how you fit into a much larger story
Step 2: Focus on who we are. As a Christian - this means remembering we are little kids loved by a Universal Parent. We're stumbling through life doing good things and making mistakes. But the whole time God is watching with a smile on His face - just glad to be part of our journey. If you're not a Christian - this might just look like self-acceptance. Accepting who you are as a person and choosing to place value on yourself that may not be there right now
Step 3: Focus on the fact that we're all in this together. This isn't easy - especially in today's polarized climate. Our culture wants it to be us vs. them in everything. Pitting races against each other. Pitting political parties against each other. But what if we started viewing our neighbors the same we view our friends? We're all just people trying to make our way in life. We all came from the same place and we're all headed toward the same inevitable ending. Imagine how different life would be if we lived like we are all in this together?
Step 4: Focus on the simple things in life. What would it look like to live a life without dogmatic targets related to power, fame, money, success and the accumulation of more stuff?
Second, I only have one question for you this week:
When you look at your life - have you taken any of the steps above? If so - I'm happy for you. If not - what would it look like to take one step in the right direction this week?
Well that's it for today. I hope this little reminder helps decrease some of the disappointment you're experiencing in your life.
Even just a little.
Thanks for joining me!
As always, have a great week, and keep Transcending Human!