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TP04 | Transcendent Parenting | Parenting Plan of Attack

Daryl McMullen

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TP04 | Transcendent Parenting | Parenting Plan of Attack Daryl McMullen

Date: September 20, 2021

Welcome back to the Transcend Human Podcast - and our series called Transcendent Parenting:

For those of you just joining, here's where we've been so far:

  • Week 1: First things first - Strong Marriage

  • Week 2: Parenting isn't optional - Parenting is a high calling and that you have to be all in

  • Week 3: Parenting through the stages - Looking at the stages of development from infant to adult

Today: We're developing a Parenting Plan of Attack

Minute of Parenting Transparency: Was our parenting style/strategy planned?

Today's Topic: Parenting Plan of Attack

  1. Proactive parenting

  2. The Just-Love Culture

  3. Making your home a safe place

// 1. PROACTIVE PARENTING

So just listening to the Minute of Parenting Transparency - it should be obvious that we aren't perfect. We don't have it all figured out:

  • There are things we had to learn the hard way

  • And there were times we had to scramble to come up with a plan in the heat of the moment

But looking back - it's become pretty obvious to us that having a plan is MUCH better than not having a plan.

So what does having a plan even look like?

Well, the best way to start is to define what we're talking about - which is: Being Proactive vs. Reactive

  • Proactive: Deciding in advance how we want to parent

  • Reactive: Waiting for things to happen and then reacting to the situation

So let's get practical. Here are some things you can decide to do in advance:

  1. Be on...always on:

    • We talked about this last week

    • Choose in advance to be a role model

    • Not just to mean what you say, but to do what you say

    • Not just telling you kids how to live, but showing them how to live

    • Don't expect behavior from your child that you aren't willing to display yourself

    • One of our pastors back in the Midwest, Mark Beeson, used to explain it like this: "More is caught than taught"

    • In other words, our kids will watch us more than they will listen to us

  2. Be willing to explain:

    • Some parents believe in the, "Because I said so..." or "Do as I say, and don't ask why" approach

    • But we humbly disagree

    • Kids are always going to ask why...

    • And yes, at times these questions can be time wasters, they can be oppositional and at their worst, questions can be used to defy your request

    • But there is a way to win in this situation - and here is a simple 2 Step process to make it work:

      1. Step 1: Honor your child with an explanation:

        • This shows them that you think through your decisions

        • That your decisions are based on logic, and adherence to your beliefs

        • It also let's them know they are important to you - important enough for you to take the time to explain

        • This is the different between a loving parent and a dictator 

      2. Step 2: Return to the request:

        • At this point you've honored them with the explanation - now they need to complete the requested behavior

        • If they still have questions, let them know you can discuss it later, but right now the behavior just needs to happen

        • Obviously this may change a bit as kids grow

        • You may be more willing to entertain an entire conversation with your teenager in order to explain your reasons for example

  3. Be willing to teach:

    • This one is so simple - and yet so easy to forget in the heat of the moment

    • There is a formula for teaching someone to do something

    • And it works in two ways:

      1. To teach a skill (short term things)

      2. To raise your kids from infant to adult (obviously a long term thing)

    • So here is the formula:

      • I do - you watch

      • I do - you help

      • You do - I help

      • You do - I watch

    • Simple - right?

      • So let's illustrate both:

        • Brushing your teeth (short term skill)

        • Working with our oldest daughter (Allie) as she got closer to senior - and needed to be fully independent (longer term process)

  4. Be age appropriate:

    • Always be in teaching mode - willing to explain things to your children so they can grow and mature

    • But remember this - you don't give them all the information one time and call it good

    • We are teaching our kids to become adults - and in order to become adults they will need to understand adult concepts

    • But not as a toddler!

    • It's important that we teach adult concepts to our kids along the way - and in terms they understand - based on their stage of life:

      • It's no different than this:

        • Adults eat gourmet Mac and cheese but we make Kraft Mac and cheese for the kids

        • We make creme brûlée for ourselves and give our kids Jello Pudding Snacks

      • Same with teaching adult concepts:

        • An obvious topic that requires this is the topic of sex

        • We understand the big picture when it comes to sex, but our kids are too young to handle all of It at one time

        • They need the abbreviated version - or even less the first time you have the talk

        • And then in subsequent conversations, a little more information is added

  5. Simplify things:

    • Andy Stanley, in a recent message series called: Better Decisions, Fewer Regrets offered a simple way to teach kids good decision-making skills:

      • He explained that it is hard at times to explain to your kids why something is right, or why it is wrong

      • But at the same time we need to take adult content - adult decisions - and make them simple and relevant for our kids

      • Andy suggests to do this we can teach them to ask the Maturity Question:

        • Simply put - the question to ask is this: "Is it wise?"

        • But Andy taught his kids to ask it in a specific way - so they would view it from three different perspectives:

        • It goes like this: "In light of my past experience, my current circumstances, and my future hopes and dreams, what is the wise thing for me to do?"

        • Here's why:

          • Looking at your past should help you see similar situations, and not repeat bad decisions

          • Looking at your current or present situation should help you decide of the behavior is harmful to you or those around you

          • Looking honestly at your future should provide helpful suggestions for current behavior, and whether or not your decision could have a negative impact on your hopes and dreams

// 2. THE JUST-LOVE CULTURE

Another thing you can do proactively is to develop the Just-Love Culture in your home.

We didn't make this Proactive Idea #5 in the previous section because it really deserves it's own section - it's that big of a deal.

So let's break it down.

In the Just-Love Culture there are two elements: Justice & Love. Two sides of the same coin - and a universal law - like gravity.

How do we know this?

God has these two sides to His nature when He interacts with, and parents us. So why would it be any different with our kids?

  • Now we are absolutely on board with the idea that God is a LOVING God

  • But we cringe a bit when we talk about God being a God of JUSTICE

But think about it - the two are necessary in order for things to work correctly:

  • Justice without love is a dictatorship

  • Love without justice really isn't love at all

So how does this play out in our parenting?:

  • This is where we get to interface with the universal law - as parents

  • We put boundaries in place and let our kids know what lines they shouldn't cross

  • This is the JUSTICE side of being a parent:

    • And nobody questions this when it comes down to telling your toddler not to touch an open flame - right?

    • That makes total sense - why wouldn't we do that?

    • So why do we get squeamish when it comes to setting standards and expectations in other areas of our kids lives?

    • Why do we sidestep setting rules and expectations that aren't related to danger or harm - at least not in a physical sense?

  • And then there is the LOVE side of things:

    • This is HUGE! And it really needs to come first - before the justice side of things

    • Like we said, justice without love is a dictatorship - it's all rules and no concern for the other person

    • Love has to be part of the equation - and not just superficially

    • Our kids need to know and feel that we love them - that it's genuine and constant

    • Only then will the rules and expectations make sense to them

We recently listened to a message series from Granger Community Church on parenting. The series is called Parenting In the 21st Century

  • In Week 4 - the message was called, "The Digital Parent" and Ted Bryant discussed the way God Parents us

  • I thought it was a great way to explain the Just-Love Culture concept:

    • He explained that God does the following with us:

      1. He loves us

      2. He warns us

      3. He lets us

      4. He loves us again

    • To summarize:

      • See how perfectly that lays out?

      • It's the same concept as the Just-Love Culture concept - but with a very important hierarchy in place 

      • God's JUSTICE is actually wrapped in His LOVE

      • Do you see it?

      • First, God loves us and lets us know how special we are to Him

      • Then God lays out His plan for our life - both the good things to do and the things to stay away from

      • Next, He gives is freedom of choice - allowing us to make the decisions along the way - and experience consequences for poor decisions

      • And finally, even when we mess up and make poor decisions, He is right there to take us back and love us right where we're at

    • Isn't that good? Such an amazing picture of His love for us - but also how we should parent our kids

      • We must have the JUSTICE piece - but it has to be wrapped in LOVE or it just doesn't work

So what does that look like in real life?

  • Love first - we had to build a relationship with our kids first by showing them we love them

  • For our family, love looks like this:

    • Physical touch: Important throughout their upbringing

      • Hugs, kisses, arms around them during difficult times - and just laying on the couch together

      • A constant reminder that we all need appropriate human contact  

    • Words of affirmation: Telling them how much they mean to us

    • Open dialogue and transparent conversations: Letting then know nothing is off the table - you can talk about anything and there is no judgment - you’re in a safe place

    • Asking them their opinions on things: Showing them that their opinions matter

    • Show interest in their interests: Do things important to them. Take time out of your life to do things they like to do

  • Next, we set boundaries:

    • We had rules and expectations - which included consequences like spanking, time outs, removal of privileges, etc.

    • When one of our kids broke the agreement we followed through with the consequence we set up

    • Then we left the room to let them cry it out...

    • Wait...No...Actually that's not what we did next

    • After handing out consequences, we had conversations, we talked to them about the behavior, and about the consequence

  • And then we returned to the important piece - that we still loved them:

    • That nothing they do will change that

    • Our love is there no matter what - even when justice needs to occur

// 3. MAKING YOUR HOME A SAFE PLACE

The final idea we have for you is similar to the Just-Love Culture...

It's choosing ahead of time - being proactive - in making your home a Safe Place.

Back in Indiana this was an actual thing...

  • There were places around town designated as a Safe Place

  • You would be driving by a home, a place of business or an organization and you would see a yellow sign in the yard that simply said, "Safe Place"

  • Safe Place is a program for youth in crisis - at risk of abuse, neglect or serious family dysfunction

  • As workers in the mental health field, we knew exactly what that program did, and the important service it provided to the community

  • If a kid ever felt unsafe - all they had to do was leave their situation and go to a Safe Place

  • There, they would find shelter, and services to help them work through the situation they were in

But what about your house? How can you make your home a Safe Place for your kids?

I don't remember where I first heard this concept - but it has stuck with me over the years and we've tried to incorporate it into our home.

The simple explanation is this:

  • "We as adults and children will at times do things, try things or act in such a way that goes against what we believe to be true and right. And when we do these things - they will not be in our home. This ensures you can always return home and be safe."

  • Now that was a big sentence...

  • So let's take it apart:

    • First, it's important to understand that this applies to the adults in the home as well as the kids

    • Second, you have to have rules and expectations that are clearly defined in order for this to work

    • Third, the assumption is that poor choices will probably be made at some point

    • Fourth, the requirement is that these choices and behaviors occur outside the home

    • And finally, there is an unwritten rule that there is safety, love and acceptance when you return to the home

Examples of situations where this is not practiced:

  • Families that did the opposite - allowing their kids to do illegal or dangerous things at home

  • The rallying cry from parents with this strategy is often this: "They're going to do it anyway - so why not let them do it at my house where I can watch them?"

  • But what does this say to our kids?

  • What are they really learning in these situations?

  • Somewhat confusing to them when they're at the age where they need to understand the love and justice concept

And as this began, Tammy and I were both shocked at the number of parents who chose to embrace the behavior by allowing it at their homes:

  • This included underage drinking

  • Drug use

  • Co-ed sleepovers

  • etc.

But back to the point...

What does a Safe Place look like for you and your family?

Well, since we all have different beliefs, it will probably look a little different for each family.

But here are just a few things that might make it on your list:

  • Home is a safe place - because the world isn't always safe

  • The world isn't out to protect you - but we choose to protect each other

  • We choose not to have drugs, alcohol or tobacco in our home

  • We do not tolerate violent behavior in our home

  • We choose not to use strong language in our home

  • We choose to watch television and movies that are uplifting and do not glorify inappropriate behavior

  • We choose to listen to music that is positive and uplifting

  • We choose not to have pornography in our home

  • And that's just a few of the things you might choose to add to your list...

Let's Land the Plane:

This week, walk through the following three questions:

  1. How proactive have you been with your parenting?

    • Are there some things you need to think through and put in place right now - before they're even a thing?

  2. Had you ever thought about the Just-Love Culture concept?

    • If not - what needs to change in your environment?

    • Does there need to be more love in the home?

    • Or do you need to raise the bar and set some higher expectations for your kids?

  3. And finally, is your home a Safe Place?

    • If not, what would need to change in order for it to become one?

And there you have it - another episode down - thank you so much for joining us this week. As always - we love that we get to do this with you.

Next week we're going to get all up in your face - and we're going to ask you to Sell Your Helicopter: What would it look like to stop being a helicopter parent.

Until then, have a great week, be proactive, and keep Transcending Human!

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