TP05 | Transcendent Parenting | Sell Your Helicopter

Sep 27

Date: September 27, 2021

We are in the middle of a series called Transcendent Parenting. For those of you following along we're in Week 5. For those of you just joining, here's where we've been so far:

Week 1: First things first - Strong Marriage
Week 2: Parenting isn't optional - Parenting is a high calling and that you have to be all in
Week 3: Parenting through the stages - Looking at the stages of development from infant to adult
Week 4: Parenting plan of attack - Being proactive vs. reactive in our parenting

Today: We're asking you to Sell Your Helicopter: What would it look like to stop being a Helicopter Parent?

Minute of Parenting Transparency: Do we own a helicopter?

Today's Topic: Sell Your Helicopter

Defining the whirlybird
That's not fair!!!
The travel sport dilemma
Finding your balance

// 1. DEFINING THE WHIRLYBIRD

So most of you will recognize that the term "whirlybird" is simply slang for helicopter - which is our topic for today - What it means to be a "Helicopter Parent."

And while we've probably all heard the phrase used before - let's dive in and get specific:

Defined: Parents.com (What is Helicopter Parenting?)

The term "helicopter parent" was first used in 1969! In a book called Parents & Teenagers
It was a term used by the teens who felt their parents were hovering over them like a helicopter
It became popular enough by 2011 to become a dictionary entry
The article goes on to explain things a bit further:
- "Helicopter Parenting is a style of parenting where parents are overly focused on their children."
- "They typically take too much responsibility for their children's experiences and, specifically, their successes or failures."
- "In toddlerhood, a helicopter parent might constantly shadow the child, always playing with and directing his behavior, allowing him zero alone time."
- "Helicopter parenting most often applies to parents who help high school or college-aged children with tasks they’re capable of doing alone (for example: calling a professor about poor grades, arranging a class schedule, managing exercise habits, eating habits, etc.)"
So where does this come from? And why is it so tempting to us as parents? The author lists 4 possible reasons:
1. Fear of dire consequences - wanting everything to work out vs. experiencing problems
2. Feelings of anxiety - a generalized anxiety that can lead to an attempt to control your kids. The thought being, "Because the world around me is out of control, I will control the one thing in my power - my kids." Now throw COVID into the mix and think how this concept may have been even more out of control over the past 12-18 months!
3. Overcompensation - living vicariously through our kids because we weren't successful at their age. Or we didn't have the opportunities they have when we were younger
4. Peer pressure - feeling pushed by other parents to have a child that performs at a higher level

I found this fascinating...and some hit pretty close to home...

OK - so to flesh out the concept just a bit more - we found some fun articles that we want to look at before we move on:

5 Signs You Were Raised By Helicopter Parents from huffpost.com:

You have to call mom or dad before making a decision
You count your parents as some of your best friends
You resent your parents for their gifts and support (as they typically come with strings)
You feel incredibly anxious all the time
You’re a perfectionist who is obsessed with credentials

7 Signs You Might Be a Helicopter Parent from WebMD.com:

You fight your child's battles
You do their schoolwork
You coach their coaches
You keep your kids on a short leash
You're a maid in your own house
You play it too safe
You can't let them fail

// 2. THAT'S NOT FAIR

I'm not 100% sure this concept fits within the Helicopter Parent conversation - but we're going to dovetail it in there anyway...

The whole "fair" or "fairness" thing is actually a much bigger issue than it pretends to be.

Define it: How kids typically want everything to be fair

How it isn't - in reality
How we as parents can reinforce the fairness thing or teach them the truth

Important:

Distinction between fairness and justice:
Fairness is when two people get different things - but not because one suffers for it
Justice is making sure all people are treated equally - that some are not getting ahead at the expense of others
According to philstar.com:
- "Life is not fair as it does not give equal opportunities to all. But justice demands that government treat all its citizens as equals and provide equal opportunities for all."

// 3. THE TRAVEL SPORTS DILEMMA

We probably could have made this topic into a completely separate episode, but we refrained...

We've come to understand just how big of a deal it is:

We're no different than anyone else
We fell in hook, line and sinker
We struggled to find the right balance - at times we did a poor job - and other times we had it figured out
We have three kids - and each has spent a lot of time in a travel sport

But understand this, when we say "Travel Sport" - we're not just talking about sports, or athletic pursuits. For us, this term has come to include any activity you can get your child in that wants to own their life, and drain your pocket book. Here are just a few examples:

Dance/Cheer
Community Theater or Drama Clubs
Marching Band
Competitive Choirs
Mathletes
Chess clubs
Debate clubs
And yes - even education itself:
- Living in Orange County - Specifically Irvine, CA - there is no getting around the fact that school is a Travel Sport for most of the kids here
- Grades are paramount
- Honors and AP classes are a must
- And nobody cares about local or state colleges
- Your goal is Ivy League. Anything less is a failure...
- Massive amounts of time and energy are put into getting the grades
- And a lot of money is spent preparing for standardized tests, college prep courses and professional help with the college application process

So now that we're clear on what we're talking about - let's set the table quickly on some high level pros and cons when it comes to Travel Sports:

This according to verywellfamily.com: and these lists are mostly related to athletics:

Pros:
- Develop new skills
- Enhances family bonding
- Improved access to expert coaches
- Reduces boredom
Cons:
- Expensive
- Increased risk for injury
- Potential for burnout
- Time-consuming

Now like I said - that just set the table. There are so many things missing from this list - on both sides of the coin.

Looking back at the things our kids did - there were definitely pros and cons to each:

Allie: Club Soccer (club, ODP, personal training)
Rachel: Competitive Cheer, Community Theater
Tyler: Club Soccer, Hockey, Baseball, High School Football

// 4. FINDING YOUR BALANCE

Let's quickly go back to the article from parents.com

Farther down in the article there is a section called: The Effects of Helicopter Parenting:

Now it's similar to the 5 Signs You Were Raised By a Helicopter Parent- but they help to flesh out a few more of the emotional effects our kids experience:

Decreased confidence and self-esteem
Undeveloped coping skills
Increased anxiety
Sense of entitlement
Underdeveloped life skills

Ouch...that list adds just enough to the mix to make me nervous, uncomfortable even:

How did I parent?
Was I over-involved? If so, in what areas of their lives?
Did my behavior cause some of the difficulties our kids have experienced?
And if so - can I fix the damage?

When you look at the topic for today, and the other ideas we've walked through:

Helicopter Parenting
The Fairness Issue
And the Travel Sports dilemma...

What's next? What can we do to find balance in each of these areas?

For young kids where we still have a lot of time
Or for older kids who are almost out of our homes?
Or even for Adult Children - can we still repair damage with them?

Well, that's a pretty difficult question to answer, but what if we start here:

Simple Ways to Find Balance:

Allow your kids to make mistakes - and actually feel the consequences
Stop worrying that your kids failures, or poor behavior, will look bad on you as a parent
Stop acting like your kids success is in some way due to you being an awesome parent
Listen to understand, and not to solve their problems
Teach your kids that life isn't fair - and it doesn't need to be
Teach them that when life is difficult - that's often when you make the most growth and progress
When it comes to travel sports:
- Figure things out in the community leagues
- Let them try lots of different things
- Don't let them sit around and do nothing
- Teach them to finish what they start
- But allow them to stop when they decide they're done
- When you make the transition into travel sports:
  - Align your schedule to your values. This is very difficult with travel sports - as it wants to define both your schedule and your values...
  - It's dangerous to make one thing the only thing
  - Don't fall for the lie that pushing your kid hard enough and getting them personal training = college scholarships
  - Understand that travel sports is big business - a money making machine
  - Don't make your thing their thing. Understand when you are overcompensating for opportunities you wish you had at their age
  - If they're done - they're done - you MUST find a way to be supportive. Chances are you might experience a bigger loss when it ends than they will!

Let's Land the Plane:

This week, walk through the following three questions:

Based on our description of a Helicopter Parent, where do you fall?
- What are some thing you could work on this week to step out of that whirlybird?
Is "fair" a huge value in your home?
- If so, what would it look like to start teaching your child the cold hard truth that life isn't always fair?
Do you have kids in travel sports?
- If so, do some serious thinking about your involvement, and your goals for them
- Be willing to support your kids goals vs. defining the goals for them
Are you parenting with a balanced approach? Or do you find yourself lopsided much of the time?
- This week, try tipping the scale in areas where it's obvious you're out of whack
- Then, sit down with your spouse and as him or her what they see
- They will probably see your lack of balance better than you
- But the same is true - you will probably see theirs better than they can
- So work together on defining a new win for your family

And that does it for this episode! So glad you chose to be here with us today.

Next week we're going to go light - and talk about Making Memories - one of the most important pieces of parenting. At the end of day it's what family is all about - shared experiences, shared values and good days to look back on.

Until then, have a great week, sell that whirlybird, and keep Transcending Human!

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