TP03 | Transcendent Parenting | Parenting Through the Stages
Date: September 13, 2021
We’re currently in Week 3 of a series called Transcendent Parenting.
For those of you just joining, here's where we've been so far:
Week 1: First things first - Strong Marriage
Week 2: Parenting isn't optional - Parenting is a high calling and that you have to be all in
Minute of Parenting Transparency: Favorite Stage
Today's Topic: Parenting Through the Stages
You were never their age in this age
Life is all about stages
The more you know
// 1. YOU WERE NEVER THEIR AGE IN THIS AGE
Let me say that again - slowly:
“You were never their age in this age.”
Simply put:
The environment we grew up in is different than the ones our kids are growing up in:
We have different struggles
Different cultures (possibly due to growing up in different locations)
Different parenting styles (you most likely aren't parenting the same way your parents parented you)
Different forms of technology (cell phones, social media, etc.)
Different expectations at school (have you tried doing math the way they teach it now?)
And this list only scratches the surface...
Truth be told - growing up today is NOTHING like growing up back when we got to do it...nor was growing up for us anything like it was for our parents...
If we truly believe this - here are some things we can do as parents to embrace it with our kids:
We need to change our perspective:
We can't say things like:
"I know exactly how you feel."
"When this happened to me, I did the following."
"You should just do x, y or z - that worked for me."
"You should just..."
"Well at least you don't..."
We need to practice empathy:
Some of the above statements border on sympathy...
Sympathy looks a lot like this:
Feeling bad for a person, but without any emotional connection
Trying to fix the problem with trite answers
Minimizing what they are going through
Suggesting things could be worse
Empathy on the other hand looks a lot like this:
Listening to understand
Not having all the answers
Realizing we have never been through this thing exactly the way they are experiencing it
At the same time - finding similar moments in our past and remembering how we felt
Then connecting that feeling to what they are feeling so you can simply be there for them
Choosing to be there for them even if no words are spoken
NEVER: Put your kids down, their friends, their generation, their music choices, the way they dress, the hairstyles they are interested in, etc. It may not be your choice. It may not be your choice when you were their age - but that doesn't matter - and it most definitely does not matter to them
We need to ask the right questions:
Questions can be a double-edged sword
There are good questions and there are bad ones
First, you have two types: Open-ended and Closed-ended questions:
Which are the best?
Open of course
A Closed-ended question can be answered with a "yes" or "no"
And the conversation is over
Open-ended questions require that the person answers with information - describes something - or explains something
This keeps conversations going
Second, there are Judgmental and Non-judgmental questions:
Judgmental questions sound a lot like this:
"Why did you do that?"
"What was going through your mind?"
"What did you think would happen?"
"How could you do something like that?"
You can feel it right? If you were asked these questions how would you feel?
Non-judgmental questions are more like this:
"How are you doing right now?"
"What can I do for you?"
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"How do you feel you handled the situation?"
We need to remember our actions speak louder than words:
Last week we introduced this idea that we're "always on"
That our kids are constantly watching us - whether we realize it or not
So modeling good behavior is vitally important
It isn't always what we say that they remember - it's often what we did or what we do
One of the biggest mistakes we can make as parents is summed up in this catchy little phrase: "Do as I say, not as I do..."
Unfortunately - this is how many parents interact with their kids. But it is a recipe for disaster...
// 2. LIFE IS ALL ABOUT STAGES
So when we have kids - we aren't getting a product...
It's not like buying a brand new iPhone - which is the same the day you buy it as the day you decide to upgrade. With the exception of a few software updates in between...
No, kids are a different story all together. They grow, mature, and journey through a set of developmental stages - each requiring a different set of skills from us as parents.
So let's walk through these stages, and as we do we'll look at two very important things in each:
What your child is going through at that stage
What your child needs from you in that stage
A lot of this information comes from the "Just a Phase" project: https://justaphase.com
// 1. Toddlers: The "Keep them alive" stage
At this stage the question they are asking is this: Am I safe?
And parents - there are very specific things we do to show them they are safe:
Feed them
Change them
Hold them
Help them get to sleep
Show up on a regular basis vs. leaving them for long periods of time
// 2. Elementary: The "Encourage their interests" stage
At this stage the question they are asking is this: What am I good at?
As parents - here are some ways to help them navigate this stage:
Get them involved in a variety of things
Let them filter and sort the things they connect with
Provide the opportunity and let them test the waters
Find the balance between "self-determination" and "forcing them to finish"
Support and encourage without "guilting" them into sticking with something
The birds and the bees before Middle School!
// 3. Middle School: The "Find a friend" stage
At this stage the question they are asking is this: Will I find friends?
We all remember this awkward stage of life
Trying to find a group of friends that will accept us
Starting to focus on how we look, our clothes, hair styles, etc.
As parents - here are some ways to help them navigate this stage:
Let them know you love them no matter what
Don't call them out when they try new things, new looks, new hair styles
Have conversations with them about what good friends are, and how to be a good friend
If you attend church - get your middle schooler involved in the Junior High Ministry
Not only will they meet other kids with similar interests, but they will also be around other adults who have their best interest in mind
Begin the separation process in controlled ways:
Sleepovers
Summer camp away from home
Since you've already had the birds and the bees talk - check in with them on boundaries - at a general level they can understand and handle
// 4. High School: The "Who am I really" stage
At this stage the question they are asking is this: Who am I really?
As parents - here are some ways to help them navigate this stage:
Erikson refers to this stage as "Identity vs. Confusion"
Another big word used at this stage is "Individuation"
Simply put - teenagers are trying to figure out who they are
What makes them unique?
What makes them special?
And what makes them different than their parents?
As we interact with our teens in this stage we need to:
Encourage them to get in the right boat (find a positive friend group)
Encourage interaction with other positive adult figures. This is the stage where they start pulling away from their parents. They start to question the rules. And they may find it hard to confide in you because there is a fine line between it being a conversation, and them getting into trouble for what they are thinking or doing
Encourage independence
Encourage them to start taking on more responsibility themselves
And set them up to win by helping them see the big picture
// 5. Adult Children: The "I'm my own person" stage
At this stage the question they are asking is this: Do I really respect my parents?
That may sound harsh - and obviously that isn't the only question they're asking...
Maybe they're in college, starting their first full time job, living in their first apartment, or married with three kids of their own! Each of those situations comes with questions like:
Is this the right degree for me?
Can I survive on my own?
Do I really want to work at this job forever?
Will I find someone to marry?
Do I want a family?
And this list goes on...
But Do I really respect my parents? is also one of the questions every adult child asks when they leave home!
If they look back on their childhood and flinch - they may not want to be around you much once they move out
But if they look back with fondness and gratitude - they may come around from time to time
As parents - here are some ways to help them navigate this stage:
Stop providing direction
Listen well
Offer advice only when it is asked for
Support their endeavors
Show interest in their lives, their kids and their plans
Be available and willing to meet them half way in order to spend time together
Have fun with them!
// 3. THE MORE YOU KNOW
This episode was really one of those The More You Know spots you see on TV...
It was us turning on a fire hose so to speak based on the developmental stages we all go through.
The thought being, you, the listener, would at some point find a section you resonated with based on the kids you have, and what stage they're in.
But there is something deeper to the phrase The More You Know. Because it suggests movement. It suggests you are open to new things. That you are a lifelong learner vs. being stagnant, and thinking you already have everything figured out.
This is actually one of the 4 Core Values of Transcend Human.
https://transcendhuman.com/mission-values
The 4 are: TRUTH, TRANSPARENCY, GROWTH & LOVE
And it's the value of GROWTH that suggests we remain lifelong learners - continuing to transcending the Human Condition - maturing each and every day.
That said, here are two ways you can continue to learn based on our conversation today:
The Developmental Stages:
Obviously we only had time to scratch the surface today
But there are all sorts of resources out there to help you understand the stages your children go through
We'll put some links in the show notes so you can hit the ground running
The unique nature of your child or children:
Book knowledge about developmental stages is great - but getting to know your child is just as important
Watch, listen and figure out how they tick
With this knowledge - you will start to see their uniqueness
And it will keep you from trying to fit your child into a box they may not be comfortable in
Let's Land the Plane:
This week, take a good hard look at your child or children.
Here are some questions we can be asking ourselves this week:
How have I been interfacing with my child?
Do I believe that I went through all the same things they're going through?
Or can I see that I've never been their age in this age?
Spend some time wrestling with this - and how it might change the conversations you have with your kids
Do I understand the stage my child is at?
If so, has it helped me engage with them?
If not, check out some of the resources below and see if it doesn't open a few doors
And finally - how well do I know my child?
Spend some time this week watching, listening to and observing them
Maybe even take notes - you'll be amazed at the things you will learn
Then use this research (or stalking...however you want to look at it) in order to start connecting with your kids on a whole new level
Thanks for joining us this week - we hope you're enjoying these episodes and that you're finding small bits and pieces to help you as parents.
Next week we're going to get practical, and walk through a Parenting Plan of Attack. So join us then - and in the mean time share the podcast with a friend. And if you have a free minute, a rating and review on Apple Podcasts will go a long way in making sure Transcend Human moves up the charts and is more visible to more people.
Have a great week, keep on learning, and as always, keep Transcending Human!
REFERENCES:
ADDITIONAL DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES RESOURCES:
Developmental Psychology Overview: https://www.simplypsychology.org/developmental-psychology.html
Developmental Milestones: https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/actearly/milestones/index.html
Ages & Stages: https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/Pages/default.aspx
Phase Guides: https://phaseguides.com/