TP01 | Transcendent Parenting | First Things First
Date: August 30, 2021
Today we're kicking off the Transcendent Parenting series - and I'm so excited! I've been looking forward to this since December of last year!
Minute of "Marriage" Transparency: Opposites Attract
So Today's Topic: First Things First
Your Marriage Is Your Top Priority
Building Blocks of a Great Marriage
It's Never Too Late
Get Ready - Though You'll Never Be Ready
// 1. YOUR MARRIAGE IS YOUR TOP PRIORITY
Like we said - this is a parenting series. But before we get into that we need to talk about marriage: Basically, the idea that your marriage comes first.
Now it's obvious if you don't have kids yet right? Your marriage comes first because it's all there is.
But if you've had kids for 10 years or so and we said, "Your marriage comes first." Would you still agree?
And this is where it gets sticky...because what typically happens when kids come along - is that they start to come first.
But the truth is this:
Your marriage came first, and it will be there when they are gone:
Important because it's what your kids need to see - modeling a healthy marriage for them
Important so you have a marriage when it's all over - and the kids are gone
Important because you've chosen to be together - to become "one"
And that's not the relationship we have with our kids - they will eventually go out and find their "one" - and that relationship will be the priority for them
Airline illustration:
When flight attendants walk through the pre-flight instructions, they come to the part about oxygen masks dropping from the ceiling, and what do they always say?
"If you are traveling with a child, make sure your mask is on first - then help them with theirs."
Why? Because if you pass out, and the child doesn't know how to use the mask, you're both in trouble!
Similarly: Focusing on your marriage is like putting the oxygen mask on first. It sets you up to be able to parent your children well
// 2. BUILDING BLOCKS OF A GREAT MARRIAGE
So once we understand the importance of marriage, and that it needs to be our priority - how do we go about doing that?
Both before we have kids, and if we're already down that road?
Here are just a few things we thought might be helpful:
Choose together that divorce is NOT an option:
Now we know - this almost sounds absurd!
First off, we aren't prepared for this level of commitment:
For years before we get married, we date
And when you date - you follow a completely different set of rules
You're trying each other on so to speak - and if you aren't feeling it - you move on
And if you dated a lot - this behavior probably became second nature
Next, you find the one, and you get married:
But the world isn't going to help you stay married
Marriage just isn't looked at the same way any more
It used to be a sacred thing - something you didn't take lightly
But today - it functions more like the dating relationships we remember from the past
If things get rocky - we get out - and find the next person - the one who will truly make us happy
And that is the key:
The world tells us marriage is all about me, and my needs
To focus on what we can get out of it
That our happiness is the ultimate goal
And if we aren't happy - it must be a bad marriage
So get out - and find a good marriage
This is why the divorce rate is around 50% - and in Southern California unfortunately, it is closer to 70%
So we understand, choosing together that divorce is NOT an option, goes against the grain:
But it was something that we felt we needed to decide in advance
So Tammy and I had that conversation and we made that decision together
If you are engaged, or dating the person you think you might marry - don't skirt the issue
Don't feel embarrassed to bring it up
Make it a priority conversation and get on the same page before jumping in
Plan your day, your week, your month and even your year...
Thank you Friends theme song for the inspiration...
The idea here is to plan:
Day:
This typically comes down to logistics
Who is doing what. Who will be where and at what time, etc.
But what if you planned small things into the day?
Texting your spouse to let them know you're thinking about them
Writing them a note and leaving it somewhere they'll find it
Little things you're doing on purpose to show them they are important to you
Week:
Similar to the day - there will be logistical stuff here too
But what if you planned a date night?
What if you decided to meet up for lunch one day each week?
What if you offered to do something on the other person's task list?
Are you part of the weekly routines:
Do you help out with meals, dishes, laundry, cleaning, finances, tech issues, car maintenance, etc.?
All things that have to get done each week
Are you a 50-50 couple? Militant about it? This can get dangerous!
Month:
We'll skip the month as it is just 4 weeks put together
There may be unique things that happen monthly for some couples
So let's move to the year...
Year:
A year is a very long time - until you have kids - then they fly by faster than you ever thought they could
And this makes it all the more important to have a plan:
Vacations: At least one major vacation per year - more if possible
These are family vacations if you have kids
Getaways: At least one or two getaways
These are just you and your spouse
Time to reconnect and power up for another season of life
Now this isn't always possible depending on your stage of life, or if you have people who can watch your kids, etc.
But get creative - if you can work it out - you won't regret it
Set Goals:
Do a getaway early in the year and talk about your goals for the year
What things can you plan in advance?
What can you do to have a stronger marriage?
What things can you do to grow spiritually together?
What can you do financially to decrease debt and increase fiscal responsibility?
What things are not going well, and what can you do to work on them?
5 Years, 10 Years:
I know this wasn't in the song - and we aren't going to spend much time here
But what if you were able to plan in these increments?
What if you were able to say, "In 5 years we want to be debt free?"
And then put goals and action steps into place to make that happen?
What amazing things could you accomplish together if you looked this far out?
These goals can be financial, spiritual, educational, career based, where you want to live eventually, how you want to parent, etc.
All things it might take more than one year to see through...
Get on the same page with your spouse:
This requires communication - a lot of communication
But the goal is for you to talk through things proactively - so when they happen - you've already decided how you will respond to them
Here are just a few areas where conversations are helpful:
Religion & Spirituality: How do your beliefs match up? Compatible? Incompatible? Is church attendance important? If so, which church? What are you going to teach your kids?
Parenting & Discipline: What are your beliefs about parenting? Yes or no on spanking? If so, for how long? Time outs? Removal of privileges? Natural and logical consequences?
Finances: Is living debt free important or not? Are you working toward a large savings account? How is money spent? Do you give money away? To the church, nonprofits or organizations? Are you saving for your kids college funds? Retirement?
Distribution of Labor: Believe it or not - this might be a helpful conversation. Who will do what? Will it just happen naturally? Or do you need to plan for it? Who is the main bread winner? Is a secondary income necessary? Who does what in the home? Cleaning, shopping, car maintenance, etc.
And finally: Understand kids don't fix broken marriages:
In other words, if your marriage is on the rocks before kids, it will be on the rocks after kids
Kids don't fix anything - they actually make things harder
It's the same as thinking, "If I move out of this town my life will be so much better."
Unfortunately, when you move, you pack up all of that baggage and bring it with you
The best thing you can do is work on your marriage first - then have kids
This ensures they enter the world with the best possible environment for growth
// 3. IT'S NEVER TOO LATE
Now obviously - we went on a tangent there - and focused on those of you who are married and don't have kids yet...
But we know that there are people listening in every stage of life:
Singles
Just marrieds
Married with kids
Empty nesters
So you'll have to pull insights out of this based on where you're at.
But this next section is for the Married with Kids:
So what happens when you're already knee deep in kids and parenting
And you don't feel like your marriage is in a good place?
Do you just ignore the issues and focus on the kids?
Do you just give up because you didn't get that piece worked out ahead of time?
Of course not! The key phrase here is this: "It's never too late to have a great marriage."
Quick fixes? Nope...
Marriage is hard - plain and simple. But if you're willing to work at it and put in the time - it will be one of the most fulfilling things you will do in your life:
Better than getting your dream job
Better than reaching some financial goal
Better than launching a new business or venture you feel called to
Better than losing a few pounds exercising
Better, because you're working on something eternal - something bigger than yourself
And the impact a strong marriage can have on your kids, and those around you is immeasurable
So if there is no quick fix, where do we even start?
Here are a couple ideas:
Set up your triangle and shrink it:
I think the whole triangle illustration is something we heard back in pre-marital counseling
And in numerous messages, and podcasts about marriage
It's the idea that we need God in our marriages
Not that we need to fit Him in, or work Him in if we have time
We need to view Him as part of the triangle - similar to the way the Trinity functions in Heaven
In our marriages - it works like this:
God is the point at the top
And we are at each of the corners along the bottom
There is distance between us and God because of the Sin Virus
And there is distance between married couples because we are sinful, individualistic and often selfish
But the interesting thing about the triangle illustration is the size of your marriage triangle:
The bigger the triangle is - the farther away from God you are and the farther away from your spouse you are
The smaller the triangle - the closer you are to God and the closer you are to your spouse
The obvious connection we need to make is this: As you and your spouse get closer to God, you get closer to each other
Now this can work both ways:
You can both work on your relationship with God separately - and this will happen
And at the same time, you can work on it together by going to church together, sharing ideas, sharing things you've heard or read along the way
Both ways move you closer to God, and ultimately closer to each other
Do your part to know your part:
Simply put - put in the time to be a better husband. To become a better wife
Watch, read, listen to things that point you in the right direction
Start with the Bible:
What are the attributes of a good wife? Supportive, helpful, hard working, loving, motherly, etc.
What are the attributes of a good husband? He would die for his wife - that should pretty much sum it up. Though while you're in there you'll find a lot of other things mentioned as well...
Then add other resources: Books, magazine articles, blog posts, message series, podcasts. Yes, podcasts like the one you're listening to right now!
Then, as you hear new things and get clarity on what it means to be a good wife, or a good husband - try them out!
Apply them and see if they don't take your marriage to the next level
Get a second opinion:
If you and your spouse can't seem to make things work using the triangle approach, and researching things on your own
Don't stop trying - keep the triangle set up and keep researching...
And think about adding in one of the following:
Trusted friends: Are there other couples you know who would sit down with you and talk about things? Maybe they went through similar struggles and found ways to make it through. Or maybe they didn't have the same struggles, but have some interesting tools set up to keep them on track
Counseling: These people do this for a living. They've probably heard it all at some point or another - and should be able to provide a safe place for talking about your struggles, while at the same time offering tried and true methods for growth
Marriage retreats: These can be super helpful - a short, but very focused and immersive time where you and your spouse have nothing else to focus on but you, and your marriage
// 4. GET READY - THOUGH YOU'LL NEVER BE READY
At this point - let's pretend our marriages are perfect - and we're at that stage where we're ready to think about kids:
First - that was a joke - no marriage is perfect
And second, we're back to talking about married couples with no children...but only for a few minutes...
When you get to that point in your life when you have prioritized your marriage, and you're thinking about having kids:
You're in the best possible position to have kids
You've ensured that there will be a positive environment for them to be born into
You've decided that divorce is not an option - so there is security in that for your kids
You've learned how to treat your spouse - so your kids will learn how to do it from you
And yet - couple still struggle at times with pulling the trigger:
Some couples try to get all their affairs in order before having kids
But understand this, you'll never be 100% ready to have kids:
You won't feel ready emotionally
You won't feel fully equipped to parent
You often won't feel financially prepared
But if you wait until you have everything in place - you may never have kids
Having kids is on some level a leap of faith
We felt that way for sure:
Despite our fears and anxieties - which were very real
The nurses walked us to our car that first day and handed Allison to us - watching to make sure we placed her in the car seat correctly
Then they just turned and walked away
We looked at each other as if to say, "Are they just going to let us take her home?"
"I mean - they trust us that much? We don't have any experience!"
And while that went away after a while, it still pops up every time your kid moves into another phase of life - one that you don't have experience in:
Your child learns to crawl and suddenly the house is a death trap
They learn to walk - and they can escape
You take them shopping and you lose one of them
You send them to their first sleepover
They go to their first overnight camp
You realize you need to have “the talk”...
They become a middle schooler and start to talk back
They go through puberty and everything changes
They learn to drive
They get their first job
They meet their first girlfriend or boyfriend
They leave home and go to college
Are you sweating yet?
Truth is, you'll never be fully prepared for each of these things
It's a leap of faith to be sure
A leap that is worth taking
You've got this!
Let's Land the Plane:
Like we said, we understand there will be people listening today, that are in different stages of life.
And because of this, we can't make blanket statements like, "This week - do a ruthless assessment of your marriage..."
Because only some of you will be married...and some of you did the ruthless assessment 20 years ago!
So our hope for you this week is that you will think through this information based on your stage of life:
If you're not married, has this episode helped you ask some good questions about your future spouse?
If you are married, has this episode made you ask some questions about the health of your marriage?
If you're married with kids, how are things going? Is your marriage still the most important thing?
Or do you need to focus a bit more on that in the coming weeks?
If you're a single mom, or single dad - we can't tell you strongly enough how awesome you are!
Thank you for stepping up, and being there for your kids - it is a high calling
And if you're empty nesters - congratulations! Sit back, relax and laugh at the rest of us as we work through the things you've already accomplished 🙂
But also - know that those of us in the thick of parenting need you
Is there someone in your life, younger than you that would benefit from your knowledge?
Don't fade off into the sunset - continue to be the voice of reason for your neighbors, your adult kids, your grandkids and your community
Thank you for joining us as we kick off this series - looking forward to a great set of episodes together. Next week we address the idea that Parenting Isn’t Optional!
Have a great week, work on that marriage, and as always, keep Transcending Human!
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