052 | Transcending Your Past
March 8, 2021
Minute of Transparency: Chasing My Rainbow
Today's Topic: Transcending Your Past
In this episode:
Your Past Can Kill You
Focus On the Present
Seeing the Beginning From the End
// 1. YOUR PAST CAN KILL YOU
As humans, we are all tied to this thing - this concept, or construct called time. There is past, present and future.
Things begin, they exist and eventually they end. And this is true for everything and everyone that exists on Earth!
Except for plastic I hear... My daughter will tell you that plastic is created, it exists and it lives with us forever... I love her environmentalist mindset. It keeps me honest.
But in truth, this "cycle of life" is standard operating procedure on our little planet:
Products are created, they exist and then they fall apart, break, and are eventually disposed of or recycled
Natural things like plants and trees are planted, they grow and eventually return to the ground
And humans are no different. We are born, we grow and eventually we die
So on this ride we call life - at any given moment - we have a past, we are in the present, and there is a future in front of us.
Now on the Transcend Human Podcast we typically deal with the present and the future right?
For example: We recently did an episode called Transcending Low Frustration Tolerance. We talked about how LFT impacts us right here and now in the present. And we talked about ways to proactively prepare for LFT in the future. The past was simply assumed. If you are struggling with LFT right now, in the present - there is a good chance it has been part of your past.
But we don't typically focus on the past, because we no longer have control over it. The only things we can control are our thinking and behaving right here in the present. And in so doing - we impact our future.
So why are we changing focus today on this episode?
Well, because for some of us - the past isn't just the past:
“We have pulled the past into our present and it is dangerously close to ruining our future!”
Now before you think to yourself, "Wow - that must be rough - I'm glad I'm not chained to my past..."
Catch yourself, and be open to the fact that we're all impacted by our past on some level. It may not be to the level that it effects others. But your past can effect you - even subconsciously!
Here's one small example...
A man finds himself in a rut. Very comfortable doing the same things over and over again. Feels tension if he is asked to do something new. The guy just writes it off as part of his personality. But later realizes he was put down as a child and teenager. His parents told him he wasn't good enough - that he would never amount to anything. Subconsciously the guy chooses not to try new things because he worries it is true - that he won't be able to do new things.
Now I know - that sounds like a scenario right out of a Psychology textbook right? But there is a reason you find examples like these in textbooks. It's because they are true! And they happen all the time, and in a variety of ways.
Our past impacts us more than we want to admit.
And typically - it's for one of the following reasons:
Because something bad happened to you
Because someone did something bad to you
Because of some bad thing you did
Something bad happened to you:
So this is something bad that another person had nothing to do with
Maybe you were born with some rare disorder
It could be a natural disaster like a tornado, or an earthquake
It could be a random accident like a tire blowing and your car running off the road
The important thing is that it had a big impact on you, and it wasn't because of another person
Someone did something bad to you:
In this scenario - the bad thing that happened to you was a direct result of another person
It could be emotional abuse
Maybe it was physical violence
Sexual abuse
A business partner pulling the rug out from under you
A spouse leaving you for someone else
A parent abandoning you
But whatever it is - you can directly tie it back to a person
And finally: Some bad thing you did:
The last thing to make the list is that thing you did
It could have been something that impacted you
It could have been something that impacted others
But whatever it was - you can't believe you did it
You look back and want to put your face in your hands out of embarrassment, guilt or sadness
And that pretty much sums up our past. When we look back at the bad things we have been through, they will typically fall into one of these three categories.
And depending on what category they fall into - the way it effects us is different:
If it was something that happened to us - we can be angry or fearful for anxious with no real reason, and no point of reference
If it was something a person did to us - we can live with similar issues, but we know exactly who our point of reference is
And if it is something we did - the guilt and shame can take over and immobilize us
So the title of this section was, "Your Past Can Kill You"
Which might seem a little much - but it really isn't.
When the impact your past is having on you is invasive and consistent:
It can kill your joy
It can kill your mood
It can kill your level of energy
It can kill your desire to do new things
It can kill your ability to connect with another person
It can kill your ability to be social or relational
And yes - it can kill you - if it gets bad enough:
When your past begins to impact your present at this level, depression is a common result
And as depression deepens, people at times deal with thoughts of suicide
And in case you were wondering - suicide is a very real thing:
It touches so many of us
And I'm no different
I know people who have committed suicide
I know people who have attempted suicide
And I know people who struggle with feelings of hopelessness on a regular basis
According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention in 2019:
Suicide ranked 10th as a leading cause of death in the United States
1.38 million people attempted suicide
47,511 people died of suicide:
That's almost 14 people in every 100,000
On average this means there are 130 suicides every day
Most common: Middle-aged white men
Men commit suicide 3.63x more often than women
In terms of location:
The lowest rates are seen in New Jersey, New York and Massachusetts
The highest rates are seen in Wyoming, Alaska and Montana
Now you can't make the leap that suicide is a direct result of people being impacted by their pasts
But it isn't a stretch to assume it had something to do with it
Sorry for the tangent there on suicide - it's just one of those topics that is hard to talk about and yet needs to be talked about because we can't keep losing people this way.
We need to figure out how to intervene in peoples lives when they start to feel lonely, and hopeless. Before it gets to the level where suicide seems like the only way out.
And one more thing... If you are one of those people - suffering in silence - don't remain silent. Reach out to those around you and let them know how you're feeling. Ask them for help and be willing to explore options with them - whether it be medication, counseling or even a short hospitalization if needed to remain safe.
And if you feel you have nobody in your life you can turn to - there's always the Suicide Prevention Hotline: (800) 273-8255
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Someone is always there to listen, and offer guidance and help you stay safe.
// 2. FOCUS ON THE PRESENT
So this is a handy little mantra that sounds great when you hear it, but is never as easy as it sounds to put into action. And that isn't the only phrase we hear. How about these?:
Be present
Be in the here and now
NOW - the most precious thing
Don't live in the past
Don't ruin today
Be here now
Today is the first day
Carpe Diem
etc.
Each sharing a similar message - that focusing on, and appreciating today is the best course of action.
So let's look, for a minute, at the other two options we have:
Focusing on the Past
Focusing on the Future
Focusing on the Past:
As we've already discussed - this is dangerous because we no longer have any control over it
What's done is done - and the only thing we can control is how we respond to it in the present
What tends to happen when we focus on the past - is we experience unhealthy negative emotions:
Fear: Living in fear because of something that happened to us
Anger: Living in anger because of the things that we went through
Anxiety: Always feeling tension and trepidation - worrying that what happened in the past may happen again
Shame: Beating ourselves up for bad decisions we made in the past
Stagnation: We talked a little about stagnation in the last episode. If you are too caught up in the past, you get stuck in the past and it is very hard to grow in the present. It's hard to reach your full potential because you're not taking baby steps each and every day toward that reality
Isolation: Another interesting one. With isolation two things can happen:
You can stop trusting people. Instead, you view them as potential threats and choose not to interact on a normal level
You can act like you are social, but instead put up walls that never really allow people in. Protective walls that are there to keep people from hurting you - or finding out who you really are
Focusing on the Future:
This option isn't quite as dramatic as the other one
In fact - we often view it as a positive thing
If you're thinking ahead - you're being proactive
You're planning
You're making sure you're on the right path
Providing for yourself and your family
And all of that is true! But of course - there is a dark side
And the dark side is typically when you do too much of a good thing
So we're really talking about two things:
Becoming a workaholic. Which is a present behavior driven by a future goal or aspiration. We want so badly to be successful, or to be famous, or to have influence - that we go overboard - and we sabotage our present
Living in our heads. Now there are people who live in their heads and it has nothing to do with the future - in fact, you can live in your head focused on what happened in the past. But I'm specifically talking about those who live in their heads - focused on future ideas, dreams, plans and goals. To the detriment of their own ability to function in the present
And there you have it - your two options if you choose NOT to "Focus on the Present."
So can you easily diagnose yourself? Can you see which of the buckets you're putting the most time and energy into?
What if we did this...
Get a sticky note and a pen or pencil
Next, write these three words on top of each other: PAST. PRESENT. FUTURE.
Next, try to determine a percentage of time and energy that goes into each
Place the percentages next to each word
And make sure the percentages add up to 100%
Now look at your percentages. This is a quick and dirty look at how you experience life. And how grounded you are in the present.
For me, it looks something like this:
PAST: 15%
PRESENT: 60%
FUTURE: 25%
Now I did it really fast - so it was a gut reaction. And the percentages aren't going to be 100% accurate. But it tells the right story:
I've done some hard work when it comes to the PAST - so that's why I made it 15%
But it's still 15% because there are days when I allow it to effect my present:
Mainly because of things I did in my past:
For quite a few years I allowed alcohol to run my life - and during that time there were a few events that were both public and embarrassing
Not to mention the issues it caused in my marriage
But I've obviously done some work in that area or I wouldn't be talking about it right now
I would be hiding it - making sure people didn't know that about me
In order to maintain a facade of goodness and right standing
But every now and then - you look back and ask yourself, "Why on earth did you do that?..."
And then there are things other people have done to me:
Most recently - being let go from a job I had moved my entire family across the country for
And while it was just a job, it rattled me because of the callous way it happened
It challenged my beliefs about ethical business practices
It challenged my assumption that leadership in the church setting might operate with a slightly higher moral compass
And it forced me to admit that expertise, experience and a solid work ethic aren't enough
We're all expendable - especially when those in positions of leadership have ulterior motives
Again, I had to do some major work after this happened in order to get this down to the 15% I'm reporting today
But every now and then I look back and ask, "Did that actually happen? Did they really do that to me and my family?"
Next up - isn't it interesting that my FUTURE is 25%?
I estimated this higher than my PAST because I feel like I spend more time on this than I do looking backward
And between the two options we discussed:
Being a workaholic
And living in our heads
I would definitely say I have the tendency to live in my head:
But I feel like I've always been that way
Back when I took the Strengths Finder test I came back as STRATEGIC, DISCIPLINE, DELIBERATIVE, RELATOR and RESPONSIBILITY
The first three are all strengths that require a lot of head time in order to think through things and put forth a plan to do something the right way
I used to have a professional blog back in the day called WebDrivenChurch - where I posted tips and insights on web strategy for the church world
I wrote Controversy Theory in 2001
And I'm now writing and podcasting for Transcend Human
All things that require head time in order to develop ideas and accurately communicate them
Again, we talked about the future stuff as positive, until it crosses the line into obsession
And that's where the 25% came from
I had to give it a significant number - because I spend a lot of time there
And I lumped it in with focusing on the FUTURE (rather than just daydreaming in the present) because most of my head time is thinking about ideas and concepts that I'm going to write about in the future
I also struggle when I'm not able to spend enough time on it:
I get irritable and angry
I get depressed and lethargic if I'm not getting my head time on a consistent basis
And I can start to feel unworthy when I'm not moving the ball down the field as fast as I think I should be
And that leaves 60% for the PRESENT:
Which we don't really need to go into because it involves all of the typical stuff:
God, spouse, family
Work
The side thing that makes up the difference
The hobbies
The housework
Troubleshooting car issues
Being the IT professional in the house
Listening to, and being there for those around you
And the list goes on...
All things we do in the PRESENT but only if we have the bandwidth to do them
And this is where the PAST and FUTURE come into play
If our percentages in those areas are too high - we may only have 25% to give to the present (for example)
And if that's the case - do you think we're going to do the PRESENT well?
Or do you think some things are going to fall through the cracks?
Unfortunately the things that fall through the cracks are often the people and relationships that should be at the top of our list
// 3. SEEING THE BEGINNING FROM THE END
I probably need to read that again so you see that it wasn't a mistake. Because you typically hear people say the opposite:
I couldn't see the end from the beginning
I couldn't see the forest for the trees
etc.
But I want to flip that in the same way Franklin Covey did in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
https://smile.amazon.com/Habits-Highly-Effective-People-Powerful/dp/1982137274
Back in another life, I used to teach the principles in this book to patients in a psych hospital. Most were there for 5-14 days and these concepts always seemed to catch their interest.
Habit #2: Begin With the End In Mind
Francisco Saez, in a blog post on this habit, explained it this way:
"At its most basic form, it means always having the image of the end of your life as a frame of reference for evaluating everything else. It’s about starting things off with a clear idea of what the destination is, so that the steps we take are always in the right direction. If we are going to be busy, let’s do the things that matter to us."
And that's exactly what I'm talking about when I say, "Seeing the beginning from the end."
It means looking into the future and creating the end result ahead of time. Fleshing out the way we want our lives to go. Determining who we want to be, what we want to stand for and how we want to be remembered.
Then - once we have that vision of our future - it becomes the lens through which we see our PRESENT day. Everything we do today - everything we begin - we run through the lens of the end.
It's the END that provides clarity to the things we BEGIN each and every day.
When we do this we ensure the following:
We get to choose the story we want to tell
We're preparing for the future on our own terms
We're able to roll with the punches because we see how it all plays out
And we also have a new vantage point when we look back at our past:
We see our PAST from the END as well - and it helps put the bad things into better perspective
Let’s Land the Plane:
So let's get practical...
One of the things I didn't mention earlier is this little thing called "forgiveness." A MASSIVE concept we could spend an entire series of episodes on...
But at the end of the day - it plays a HUGE role in helping us deal with difficult pasts:
If we can forgive the universe (or possibly God) for the things that happened to us in the past - we're on the right road - heading toward healing
If we can forgive the people who did bad things to us - we're on our way to freedom - freedom from being shackled to the events, the anger, the fear and the grudges that we are holding onto
And finally - if we can forgive ourselves for the things we've done - then we're on the road to freedom from shame. We free ourselves up to dream again - to see ourselves as worthy - and we're able to give back to the world again
This week, ask yourself the following questions:
Are there things in your past that you need to deal with?
What were your percentages for PAST, PRESENT & FUTURE?
Looking good? Or does something need to change?
What can you do this week to focus more energy on the present?
What is your preferred future?
When you look down the road - what do you see?
Or better than that - what do you want to see?
And if that's your preferred future, what can you do today to make sure it comes true?
Such good stuff!
I know I struggle to keep my focus on the here and now. To be there for my family. To enjoy the journey without always looking back, or looking ahead.
To really be there - to be PRESENT and accounted for...
Thank you so much for joining us this week. We love having you on the journey with us.
Until next time friends, have a great week, in the PRESENT of course, and keep Transcending Human!