Transcend Human

View Original

113 | Transcending the Mirage

Daryl McMullen

Your browser doesn't support HTML5 audio

113 | Transcending the Mirage Daryl McMullen

Date: May 2, 2022

Minute of Transparency: Perspective matters

Today's Topic: Transcending the Mirage

  1. The Midwest Mirage

  2. The West Coast Mirage

  3. The Orange County Mirage

  4. Seeing through Your Mirage 

// 1. THE MIDWEST MIRAGE

I've told our story before on the podcast - where we grew up, our life in the Midwest - and our eventual move to California.

But I want to zoom in on the life we were living right before we decided to move.

And I'm going to refer to it as the Midwest Mirage. Because it's how we saw life - how we perceived it to be - until we didn't.

The Midwest is a great place - full of patriotic, hard working, middle-class Americans living the dream.

Our parents worked hard for their money. They worked hard to give their kids a good life. And they spent a lot of time building a nest egg big enough so they could enjoy retirement.

And we fit right in. We took what we saw - and we ran with it. Doing the same thing our parents did...

Now some of you might be saying, "That sounds pretty normal to me! Isn't that the way it is everywhere?"

Nope - at least I don't think so. I mean, there might be people across the country that live this way - as long as they're living in the sprawling suburbs with middle to upper incomes. Then possibly...

But my guess is that there are a lot of people living differently:

  • Big City folks

  • Western ranch owners

  • Great plains farmers

  • Southern mountain families

  • Coastal fishing families

  • And the list goes on...

I'm not sure all of these people can identify with my explanation of a Suburban Midwest Lifestyle...

Not that this fact is important...

Because I'm really talking about our mirage - the mirage we saw because we lived in the Midwest.

And for us it had some negative consequences. 4 that come to mind quickly:

  1. We were caught on the success treadmill:

    • Keeping up with the neighbors

    • Living in the right part of the city

    • Having the right house

    • Driving the right cars

    • Having our kids in the right school system

    • Having our kids in travel sports, dance or theater

    • Taking the right vacations at the right time:

      • And yes - there is an annual migration of Midwesterners to Florida over Spring Break

      • Not unlike the Islamic Hajj - the annual pilgrimage to Mecca...

      • Only it's the sun that gets worshipped in Florida 🙂

    • And in doing all these things - it never felt like there was enough money to pay the bills

    • So things went on credit cards

    • Because there were always new bills - new things that had to be purchased in order to live at the level you needed to live at

    • In order to keep up with the neighbors

  2. Life was all about comfort:

    • At least for me - comfort was my goal

    • Make enough money to be comfortable

    • Live in a safe neighborhood

    • Put your kids in safe schools

    • Have the latest and greatest landscaping tools, household appliances and technical devices

    • Working your butt off in order to sit in your comfortable house and watch TV on a big screen

  3. I think we were chasing worldly happiness:

    • Unfortunately, this was baked into the culture

    • Similar to feeling comfortable - but the happiness trap was also a thing

    • This idea that we'd be happy if we just had all the stuff - all the things

    • The right house, being successful, having our kids in all the right activities, and getting to travel now and then

    • Not right - but like I said - I think we came by it honestly

    • And for me - at the end of it all - I still wasn't happy

    • I can't speak for Tammy - but I wasn't happy

  4. It was hard to think outside the box:

    • The Midwest is very Red, Republican to the core - making the culture fairly bent in that direction

    • There is very little diversity of thought

    • Similar to that - there is very little racial diversity

    • The Midwest we lived in was very white

    • And along with these realities came very cultural beliefs and attitudes toward things like: inclusion, viewing all people as equals, gender equality, gender identity, the environment, climate change, governmental control, government spending, etc. etc.

    • Not that all of these were wrong beliefs - just very slanted in one direction - and no dialogue happening about them

Now, I don't think we understood all of this while living in the Midwest. We just had this feeling - and said to ourselves, "Something isn't right. It's almost like things are too perfect, too prescribed. It's like we're in the Truman Show and one day we're going to sail across a small fake ocean and find that we were on a massive movie set the entire time."

It wasn't until we moved away from the Midwest that we were able to see things more clearly. How we had fallen into bad habits simply because of the culture we were part of. It was the Midwest Mirage and we didn't fully see it for what it was until we were away from it.

// 2. THE WEST COAST MIRAGE

We (meaning Tammy and I) had some preconceived ideas about California before we moved. Things we'd heard growing up. And things we assumed based on the news, TV and people who had been there.

But it wasn't until we told people we were moving that we realized just how pervasive the West Coast Mirage really was.

We knew it was going to be difficult to leave, and that people would be sad. But what we didn't expect was the anger, insults and manipulative behavior some people engaged in to get us to (in their words) start thinking logically, and responsibly...

And these weren't random people - these were people we loved - people we were close to.

It was a difficult thing to walk through - but here is a list of the things that came out in those conversations:

  • California is way too blue - everyone there is liberal

  • It's dangerous - are you going to be safe?

  • You'll be so close to Mexico - aren't you worried about the border issues? Immigrants?

  • It's expensive - can you afford it?

  • Fires and earthquakes - why would you want that?

  • Will your kids be ok there?

  • I can't believe you would choose to raise your kids in that environment - don't you care about them?

And these are just the ones I can remember...

As you can see - the West Coast Mirage ran deep in the Midwest.

Almost an us vs. them mentality...

On the one hand you can see why people feel this way:

  • California as a State is very Blue

  • Because of LA, Hollywood, San Fransisco, UC Berkely you know there is a very liberal influence

  • Many of the pop icons in our culture are from California:

    • Movie & Television Stars, Musicians, etc. Many live in LA, Malibu, Calabasas or the Hollywood Hills

    • And if you follow them on social media you will feel their liberal agenda

  • And when it comes to the socio-economic stuff you can Google that crap:

    • Southern California is up there as one of the most expensive places to live in the country

    • Taxes are high

    • Gas and food prices are out of control (largely thanks to COVID and Russia)

    • But there's no doubt it costs more to live here

So all that said - you can see why people have pretty strong opinions about the West Coast - especially California.

But while there is some truth to these things - it's still a mirage. People have created a reality about something they don't fully understand.

And for us - it caused problems. We had no idea people in our lives were so strongly influenced by that mirage - and that they would allow it to put stress on the relationship they had with us. To this day there are some unresolved conversations with people we love dearly. People who said some damaging things - things that can't be unsaid. And things you just don't bring up at the dinner table years later...

Now, before I jump to the Orange County Mirage - I want to help you see through the West Coast Mirage just a bit more clearly.

Now that we've been here for close to 6 years - I think I can speak pretty intelligently about California - at least Southern California.

  • Politically - we were shocked:

    • Yes - California is a Blue State

    • But it must have a Bible Belt - because there is a church on every block and their fair share of Mega Churches

    • During the 2020 Election it wasn't uncommon to see roadside gatherings for the Republican Party

    • Pickup trucks with Trump flags flying high

    • We even had protests in Huntington Beach due to beach closures, stay at home orders and mask mandates

  • Natural Disasters:

    • We have felt a few small earthquakes living here

    • And yes - there are fires in California

    • But would you like to do a quick Google search on inclement weather around the country?

      • According to fireweatheravalanche.org there are fires in 14 states - and California isn't even in the top 8

      • And when it comes to earthquakes

        • The USGS as of this podcast episode is reporting earthquakes in California, New Mexico and Maine

      • And those are just the ones people say are reasons not to live in California

      • But in the past few years there have been hurricanes, severe flooding, tornado outbreaks and severe winter storms across the country

    • Which leads me to say, "Show me yours and I'll show you mine."

    • At this point in our history - Mother Earth is just downright mad - and nobody is exempt

  • Religiously - you can find God anywhere:

    • I already talked about being in the Bible belt of California

    • But to my surprise - I actually found people to be more spiritual in California than they were in the Midwest

      • Now this is totally my opinion

      • But I remember church in Indiana being very organized - very methodical - very cultural. Like something you just do - so let's do it the best we can and go through the motions

      • My experience in California was a lot different. Yes, there are large churches functioning as businesses - but the people seem different. More open, more raw. Willing to talk about the pain in life and their need for God

      • Maybe we just didn't hang out in the right circles in Indiana

      • But like I said - my experience having been in both places

  • The liberal Ethos:

    • There's no doubt you will find more liberal people in California than in the Midwest

    • But one of the reasons for this is the large population centers

    • Large cities tend to lean liberal

    • But this has nothing to do with California:

      • I Googled "Most liberal cities in the US"

      • Here is a list of the Top 20 according to WorldPopulationReview.org

        • San Francisco, CA

        • Washington, DC

        • Seattle, WA

        • Oakland, CA

        • Boston, MA

        • Minneapolis, MN

        • Detroit, MI

        • New York City, NY

        • Buffalo, NY

        • Baltimore, MD

        • Chicago, IL

        • Portland, OR

        • St. Paul, MN

        • Austin, TX

        • St. Louis, MO

        • Philadelphia, PA

        • New Orleans, LA

        • Los Angeles, CA

        • Pittsburgh PA

        • Denver, CO

    • Obviously - you can find liberal no matter where you go

    • It's still up to you how you live your life

  • The California Culture:

    • This is something I had to unlearn

    • Part of the mirage I saw when I looked at California from the Midwest:

      • I assumed everyone in California was chill, laid back

      • You know, skateboarders and surfers

      • People in flip flops and Ray Bans

      • Living in the sunshine under the palm trees

      • Riding in old VW Buses or convertibles

    • And that vibe exists - to be sure

    • But what I found is that there is an underlying drive in people in California

    • The Entrepreneurial spirit is strong

    • Starting new things, inventing stuff and always looking for the next big thing

    • Not sure where this comes from - maybe the old gold rush years where people sold everything they had to chase a dream?

    • Or maybe it's because it costs so much to live here - which keeps people re-inventing themselves in order to pay the rent

    • I don't know for sure - but it's a thing

    • Even in the church world - I've never seen so many multi-site churches and would-be pastors dreaming of starting their own churches. In the Midwest a multi-site strategy was something a large church had because they could. In California - it feels like it is driven by the sheer number of people wanting to start their own churches

    • To summarize - the phrase "Work hard. Play hard." seems to fit

  • In terms of safety:

    • According to SmartAsset.com

    • Irvine, CA is one of the 20 safest cities in the country

    • Interestingly fact: 9 of the 20 cities are in California

    • Another interesting fact: There were no Midwest cities listed in the top 35...

    • So there's that...

  • And finally - there's the diversity thing:

    • Part of the Midwest Mirage is that diversity is bad - and potentially a dangerous thing

    • But living here has opened our eyes to the joy that comes from being around other cultures

    • The US has been called a "Melting Pot" - but in the Midwest this is really hard to understand

    • In California we've been able to experience what a "Melting Pot" really looks like:

      • In Irvine, there is a large representation from Asia and India - but the minute I say that I'd be leaving people out

      • We know people from Mexico, Ukraine, Egypt, Iran and the list goes on

    • And this level of diversity immediately opens your mind - pulling you out of the mirage you were locked in

    • And there's one more population I want to bring up - the homeless population:

      • I think the country looks at this as a California problem - something we did wrong in terms of politics, or because of the liberal agenda

      • But there is so much involved in homelessness

      • According to CityMayors.com

        • Eugene Oregon has the highest homeless population in the entire country

        • Why? Who knows!

        • Then there are the obvious reasons

        • Like the fact that homelessness is a bigger problem in large cities

          • LA, New York, Seattle, Las Vegas

          • When you have large cities - you have homelessness

          • The homeless population gravitates toward large cities because there are people - people you can ask for help

      • When I think back to South Bend, IN - there was a homeless population downtown:

        • There was a homeless shelter to care for:

          • The people on the streets with mental health issues

          • Veterans suffering from PTSD

          • Drug addicted people that lost their families and homes

        • According to a South Bend Tribune article in 2021:

          • The city was looking for help as the homeless population saw a 25% jump from the 2019 numbers

          • And this was data before COVID hit

          • It will be interesting to see the numbers in 2022 and 2023

    • But back to the concept of diversity...

    • California has a diverse population - one that includes people who live on the streets 

    • And Tammy and I believe our kids have grown by getting to experience this diversity first hand

    • We truly believe the adults they become will include a greater love and appreciating for all people

    • And that's something they will have learned from living in California


// 3. THE ORANGE COUNTY MIRAGE

Like we discussed already - California is not what we thought it was when we were functioning under the West Coast Mirage.

Some of our perceptions were true - but many were not.

At the end of the day, you probably need to live somewhere before you can make judgments about it.

Similar to the saying, "Walk a mile in someone else's shoes."

We seem to get that when we're talking about people - but it works with locations as well.

So we moved the family to California back in 2016. Specifically to Irvine California - a planned community in Orange County.

And like I said - we were pleasantly surprised by the following:

  • Racial and ethnic diversity

  • An openness to a much wider - all inclusive way of thinking when it comes to religion and politics

  • Not to mention the moderate temperature

  • The things to do

  • The amazing food

  • The proximity to theme parks, a large city, the mountains the beach

  • All good stuff…

But the other day my wife and I were talking about living here - and that it's no different here than anywhere else...

Once you've lived in a place for a while - you're in danger of developing the mirage mindset.

And for us - this would be the Orange County Mirage.

Similar to the Midwest Mirage - it's living somewhere and developing roots that start to infuse you with the culture, the style, the beliefs and the perceptions of that culture.

No for us - it doesn't seem possible right? I mean we lived most of our lives in the Midwest - so surely we would be immune to the Orange County Mirage - right?

I mean we understand what it's like in the rest of the country - so we should simply be well rounded people - embracing the good from every culture we've experienced?

Well, in essence, that was the conversation we were having.

And it started after seeing the Orange County Mirage so vividly in people who have lived here their whole life. Here's how you recognize it:

  • People in California often can't tell you where another state is located in the country

  • They don't typically understand the time zone thing - much less care what time it is on the East Coast...

  • Graduates head to colleges and universities in 4 Season states - only to return after a year or two because they couldn't handle the winter

  • Many Californians have never ventured out of their state

  • And many have never even done the touristy stuff - like hike to the Hollywood sign or visit Joshua Tree

  • Those who have traveled typically say, "I don't think I really need to live anywhere else. I'm really comfortable here."

These are just the obvious ones - the ones people exhibit on a regular basis - letting you know the Orange County Mirage is firmly in place.

Recently a senior in high school said, "I don't ever want to leave Orange County. I just want to live here forever and get to do all the things I've done my whole life."

And we get it. Tammy and I get it - after being here for 6 years - we get it.

And we had the conversation because we were really asking this: Do we just get it? Or do we now believe it too?

Have we adopted the Orange County Mirage ourselves?

It's an important conversation for the following reasons:

  • Our son is almost through high school - so once that happens all bets are off

  • At that point we will need to decide what to do next

  • Will we stay in Irvine? Or will we move somewhere else in Orange County:

    • At this point I work from home - so I don't even need to be in California

    • But Tammy is now part of a growing nonprofit in Orange, CA and has to be local

  • At the same time we both agree - California isn't where we will retire:

    • You either have to be independently wealthy

    • Or you had to grow up here - and have property passed down through the generations in order to keep up with inflation

    • And since we don't fall into either category - we know it would be hard to stay here when we retire

But our conversation wasn't just about the cost of living in California...

It was also about the Orange County Mirage - and if we as a family have been infected:

  • Now this is an Orange County thing - but even more-so, an Irvine thing

  • Irvine is a planned community

  • And when I say planned - I mean planned out - years in advance

  • Where new neighborhoods will be, where schools will be built, how many town centers there will be per neighborhood, when a new high school will be added and what restaurant chains are allowed in, and how many of each

  • That kind of "planned"

  • Neighborhoods have only one or two entrances so the main transportation arteries can flow at 60mph with three lanes in each direction

  • The population as of 2021 was 317,000 with an estimated growth of 10,000 per year

  • At this level of growth things pretty much have to be planned out well

  • To keep traffic flowing, kids educated and people fed

  • But with all this planning - comes the mirage

  • In Irvine there is definitely a false sense of comfort and safety

  • People would tell us, "Irvine is one of the safest cities in the country."

  • And after a while you just assume nothing bad happens in Irvine

  • Until it does...

  • If living in the Midwest was like living in a bubble - so too is living in Irvine

  • It's just a much nicer bubble...

  • Which is funny - because one of the reasons we left the Midwest was that we'd become too settled, too comfortable and too ok with the status quo

  • We had begun to stagnate - and weren't being pushed out of that comfort zone at all

  • And now - we face the same thing - just on the West Coast

  • We call it the "Irvine Effect"

  • Very easy to get comfortable and not want to go anywhere else

  • It seems like a lot of work to travel to other parts of the country, or the world for that matter:

    • I mean - packing is difficult - because the temps could be all over the place where you're going

    • There could be snow - and who has winter coats much less gloves and hats?

    • And it could rain - what are you supposed to do when it rains?

    • It could disrupt the plans we had for that day

  • For me - the temperature thing is pretty crazy...

    • When we moved here we used to joke about people wearing coats on, "less than hot days"

    • And how everyone seemed to drive with their windows up and the air on because it was too hot

    • But eventually our blood thinned - and we too succumbed to the new climate

    • Just the other day I was whining that it's been so cold for so long this year

    • Which just means the temperature has been below 75 for a really long time

    • In the Midwest - a 75 degree day meant shorts and tank tops...

    • But here you're like, "Do I wear a jacket or not? Maybe just long sleeves today..."

So that's where Tammy and I are at with our conversation...

Have we been infected with the Orange County Mirage - and if so - what do we do about it?

// 4. SEEING THROUGH YOUR MIRAGE

So let me start by addressing the elephant in the room...

Some of you may be asking, "Why did you even make this an episode? I don't live in Indiana OR California. So I can't relate to anything you're saying right now."

And you're right - this was very focused on me and my family. Our story and the experiences we've had over the years with our world view, our perceptions and the mirages we have looked through at various stages in our journey.

But don't get so hung up on the story itself. Dig deeper and find the moral of the story. Find the hidden truth that can be applied to everyone in every situation.

I'll leave you with a couple:

  • Moral #1: People often allow their perceptions of other people and other places to cloud their judgment. These perceptions become a mirage they see and it rarely matches reality   

  • Moral #2: People who live in one area for a long period of time may develop a mirage based on the culture they live in. Morals, values, a sense of safety and comfort that can cause stagnation

So what should we do about it?

How do we see through our Mirages?

Well, the first thing we can do is keep an open mind:

  • To challenge our perceptions

  • To assume the best in others

  • And to be willing to learn new things about people and places

Or you can do something crazy like we did and move across the country to some other state all together:

  • When I was in 1st Grade my parents moved our family from Chicago to Powell, WY

  • And those were 7 of the best years of my life

  • In 2016 Tammy and I did the same thing - moving our family from Indiana to California

  • And while we've had some bumps and bruises on the Gold Coast - we've had some pretty amazing times as well

But if moving isn't in the cards for you - maybe try traveling:

  • And not just to the same place every year

  • Try new places - see new things - and allow your Mirages to be challenged

  • Don't just sit at a 4 Star Resort for 10 days with people that look just like you

  • Explore! Eat at local establishments. Shop in small, hidden away areas. Mingle with the people.

  • Only then will you truly experience cultures different than your own

This year: Expedia did a Superbowl Ad: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReVzXmxYHHc

Ewan McGregor was the actor - and I want to read the lines from that commercial. It went something like this:

Stuff. We love stuff.
And there's some really great stuff out there.

But I doubt any of us will look back on our lives and think:

    • I wish I had got a slightly sportier SUV

    • Or an even thinner TV

    • Or found a trendier scent

    • I wish I'd discovered a crunchier chip

    • Found a lighter light beer

    • Or had an even smarter smart phone

Do you think any of us will look back on our lives and regret the things we didn't buy?
Or the places we didn't go?


Let's Land the Plane:

This week ask yourself these questions:

  1. Has my current location created a Mirage for me?

    • The culture I'm part of?

    • The political or religious beliefs?

    • The level of comfort and safety I feel?

    • The way I look at other people?

    • The diversity I'm comfortable with?

    • etc.

  2. Have I created Mirages of other locations?

    • Have I let my perceptions of other parts of the country cloud my judgment?

    • Do I stereotype other people and other places simply because of what I've heard? Or what my current setting believes about those places?

    • And have these Mirages kept me from being accepting of other people or their locations?

  3. What can I do to break through the Mirages I have this week, or this year?

    • How can I keep an open mind?

    • And what would it look like to travel a bit more and experience life in other parts of the country or world?

Thanks for hanging with us this week.

Next week we may be doing something totally new! Stay tuned for that...

Until then, have a great week, start working on your Mirages, and as always, keep Transcending Human!

References: