088 | Transcending Secrecy
Date: November 8, 2021
Welcome back to the Transcend Human Podcast!
We just wrapped up a series called Transcendent Parenting - which was so good for my soul. Good to get all that stuff out there - and off my chest.
And the best part is that I got to do it with Tammy - my partner in crime - and the mother of our children.
She has so many things to say about being a mom, and being a parent. And it bought a whole new dimension to the podcast. Without her energy and spontaneity it would have been much less interesting 🙂
So love that we got to do it together. And hoping to pull her into the podcast for an episode or two - if I can convincer her to...
Minute of Transparency: Things We Don't Talk About
Today's Topic: Transcending Secrecy
In this episode:
Secrecy: The Cycle of Dysfunction
The power of transparency
Breaking the cycle
// 1. SECRECY: THE CYCLE OF DYSFUNCTION
You can probably feel it already - I turned the fire hose on in the Minute of Transparency and it's just going to get worse...
I launched into this whole idea that secrecy is a cycle of dysfunction that seems to be present in every family to some extent.
And while it wasn't on my radar until recently - I assumed that it was probably a thing - and that other, smarter people already knew about it.
So I did some research to see if the conversation was already underway.
But before we go there - here are a few necessary caveats regarding secrecy:
I'm NOT suggesting secrecy is the only cycle of dysfunction seen in families:
There are many others, things like
The cycle of addiction
The cycle of abuse
The cycle of poverty
etc.
I'm NOT saying secrecy is the most devastating cycle seen in families:
This should stand to reason
For example, the cycle of abuse is far more devastating - leading to fear, anxiety, physical harm and at times death to a member of the family
I AM saying that secrecy might be one of the most prevalent cycles seen in families:
There's a good chance more families deal with secrecy than addiction, abuse and poverty combined
So even if it isn't the most devastating, it may apply to the widest number of people
And finally - I AM saying that secrecy is a subtle thing with negative consequences:
There may not be immediate, or dangerous effects from secrecy
But there is a subtle thing happening - secrecy hangs around and over time it builds walls, bunkers and deep trenches in your soul
And this alienates us from the very people who love us the most
In the end - there are only three ways secrecy turns out:
It continues: The family remains at arms length - never fully experiencing the bond they could have
It goes south: Something comes out - and a wall is blown up at the wrong time - and relationships are lost
It is dealt with: Somehow the family recognizes their secrets as destructive and vows to be more transparent in an attempt to grow closer as a family. We'll talk more about this outcome later in the show
Okay - back to the research:
Here are some corroborating articles that suggest secrecy is real - and that it can be very harmful to the health of your family. I'll put links to the articles in the show notes in case you're interested in doing a bit more research on it yourself.
First Up: According to PsychologyToday.com, there are "3 Types of Family Secrets"
Individual Family Secrets: These are secrets one family member holds from the rest of the family
Internal Family Secrets: At least 2 or 3 people keeping a secret from the rest of the family
Shared Family Secrets: A secret the entire family hides from the outside world
Next Up: According to AmenClinics.com, there are "7 Harmful Types of Family Secrets"
This article will sound very similar to the last one - but adds a few more types:
Actually, there are only 6 types, since the author lists Healthy Secrets first - and suggests these are ok to keep: Things like secret handshakes, family traditions, inside jokes, etc. But the next 6 are said to be harmful:
Unhealthy Secrets: Secrets about things with legal ramifications, criminal behavior, taboo subjects
Solo Secrets: When one person hides something from the rest of the family
Parents keeping things from each other: An extramarital affair, or an addiction for example
Parents keeping secrets from their kids: A pending divorce, a serious health condition or that one child was adopted and the other two were not
Split-Family Secrets: When part of the family knows the secret and the rest are in the dark
All-In-the-Family Secrets: Secrets the entire family knows and tries to keep hidden from the world. Typically things like hiding the truth that one parent is an alcoholic, or that a child has a learning disability
Next Up: PsychCentral.com explains why these types of secrets can be harmful in their article called, "5 Reasons Why Keeping Family Secrets Could Be Harmful"
Keeping secrets can destroy relationships: Secrets break down communication, and the bond between the members of the family are challenged and often broken
Keeping secrets can affect children’s lives: When a child learns a family secret it can be earth-shattering to them. Because what was real to them is questioned. Also - kids tend to take responsibility for the secret in some way - feeling that it wouldn't have been a secret if it weren't for them
Keeping secrets can cause suspicion and resentment: When secrets start to come out - family members become more suspicious - expecting that if there were some secrets - there could be many. Trust is broken and resentment can set in
Keeping secrets can create a false sense of reality: Any time a secret, or secrets come out - family members (especially children) question their sense of reality - and struggling with this can be difficult - feeling that the foundation you stood on has started to crumble
Keeping secrets can cause illness: Strange but true - keeping secrets can actually make you ill. The stress and anxiety that comes from keeping something from another person can take a toll on your body. Things like anxiety, headaches, backaches, and digestive problems can occur. Then over a long period of time there is often an increased use of drugs or alcohol to mask the pain felt from harboring these secrets
So there you go - three articles that seem to be saying the same thing Tammy and I started feeling recently.
So it mustn't be a me thing. It must be a thing thing. Something that is because it is. Something we need to recognize, in order to truly do something about it.
// 2. THE POWER OF TRANSPARENCY
So I have to be careful here - because it's my family we're talking about.
And just because I've decided to bare my soul on the podcast, and be transparent about my issues - that doesn't mean I get to be transparent about my entire families issues - and the secrets they're struggling with.
So I'm going to have to talk in generalizations. But hopefully it will be enough for you to understand the issue and how dangerous it can be.
So let me summarize our situation again:
Tammy and I have, over the recent past, been forced to admit something painful about our family
The cold, hard truth that every family has secrets - even ours
It was hard, because we thought we were doing so well - and nobody likes to be told they have issues!
We started asking ourselves, "How did this happen? Why does this happen? Why do we all seem to fall into this same pattern?"
Everyone shares up to a point - then they hide the rest
But why? What keeps us from being transparent?
Why don't we trust those around us with the hard stuff?
Because what tends to happen at some point is the secrets are exposed - they come out into the open anyway:
You have some big blow up
It comes out in therapy
You hear things from another family member
You overhear a phone conversation
You see a social media account you didn't know existed
And the list goes on...
Whatever the case - it all comes out and you learn things like:
"I'm mad at you for x, y or z..."
"x, y or z happened to me as a child..."
"I struggled with x, y or z my whole life..."
"I blame you for x, y or z..."
"I couldn't come to you because you because of x, y or z..."
And just like that the walls come tumbling down:
You realize just how fragile your relationships were - even in your immediate family!
You realize that the close relationship you thought you had was based on faulty information
You realize that all your talk about being an open family that you can talk about anything - really didn't amount to much
People still kept secrets...
And it wasn't just the kids hiding things - on some level you've been doing the same thing!
I've done the same thing!
And that's when my frustration really kicked in:
Why do we allow this cycle to play out over and over again?
Why is it a thing in the first place?
Why do so many families function like this?
We spend the best years of our lives playing this game of secrets
Then, at some point we realize we weren't as close as we thought - that there were walls, bunkers and deep trenches all over the place
And we're forced to admit - our family wasn't as perfect as we thought it was...
And at that point you're back at that crossroads with the three options:
The secrecy continues:
The secrecy causes things to go south:
The secrecy is dealt with:
One of my daughters recently introduced us to a podcast called, The Man Enough Podcast: (https://manenough.com/podcast/)
The host is Justin Baldoni - an actor - best known for his role in the TV Series: Jane the Virgin
The podcast wrestles with questions like:
"What does it mean to be a man?"
"What is masculinity?"
"Why can't men man up and be more than a stereotype."
One of the episodes she had us listen to was called: "Sam Baldoni: Seeing Dad as Fully Human"
In the episode Justin and his dad talk about masculinity - but also secrecy:
They talked about the fact that they weren't close when Justin was young
They kept secrets from each other
They allowed masculinity to get in the way of connectedness
It's obvious that Justin was deeply impacted by this
The secrets led him to write his book called Man Enough | Undefining My Masculinity (https://manenough.com/book/)
In the book Justin puts it all out there:
Telling the world things his dad never knew about him
And telling the world things he was mad at his dad about
Discussing masculinity - and how it kept them from being close
It was that transparency that led to, or forced them to have difficult conversations - conversations that began the healing process
Now I'm sure they have a lot to talk through - but on some level it sounds like they are in a good place - working to repair their relationship
// 3. BREAKING THE CYCLE
So this podcast - or at least this episode of the podcast came at the perfect time for me.
Not because the Man Enough Podcast is dedicated to the concept of secrecy and the cycle of dysfunction it brings to families.
But because that specific episode called it out for me at just the right time:
I listened to Justin's secrets
I listened to his father's secrets
Then I thought about my secrets
I thought about my father's secrets
And I thought about the secrets that exist in my own home - right under my nose...
And it all started to come into focus. Secrecy is damaging relationships all over the place.
So what do we do? How do we break this cycle of dysfunction so we don't have to keep going through it - generation after generation...
That's the million dollar question...and my guess is if there was a simple answer - we'd all be doing it already...
So that's where I'm at right now... Living in a quandary:
I saw the cycle first hand growing up
I see it as plain as day in other families we know
But for some reason I thought we had a handle on it
I thought we were trying to break the cycle
We tell our kids all the time that they can talk to us about anything - that nothing is off limits
And we've had deep conversations in the past - suggesting we were more open than other families - and that we all trusted each other
But then things would happen to challenge our view of the family
And when those things happened - we had to backpedal - and admit there were things we didn't see
Secrecy was hard at work right under our noses
And it wasn't just our kids, or one of our kids - it was all of us
Falling into the same dysfunctional cycle
So this episode is NOT about me telling you to be more like us
This episode is me telling me to be LESS like us
To recognize that the cycle is real - and that it's going to require hard work to get where we need to go
Back to the point: So how do we break the cycle? How do we Transcend Secrecy in order to experience the essence of what God created family to be?
First, and foremost, therapy:
There's no getting around it...
If you can't talk to the people closest to you - you have to find someone else
And a therapist isn't a bad way to go
I mean, it is what they do for a living...
They were trained to help people deal with their stuff - even if they have secrets - especially if they have secrets
So if you don't have people in your life to open up to - by all means start here...
But! What if you could get there as a family? What if you could start at home and make the necessary changes? If you knew the rest of your family would be up for it?
If they all agreed to be more transparent, and trust that it is a safe place?
Or what would it look like to do therapy first - then agree as a family to work on it together?
Well, here are some ideas:
Call it what it is:
Secrecy isn't unique to you or your family
Call it what it is - a vicious, dysfunctional cycle
And cycles are meant to be broken
Admit that secrecy is a trap - keeping you from true freedom - and from feeling close as a family
You aren't a bad family - in fact you're probably more normal than you think
If secrecy is as big a deal as I'm suggesting it is - we're all in this together
And don't just sit around thinking about it
Don't just feel sad that it's the way things happen to be right now
Speak up - and call attention to it
Talk about it as a family - how secrecy is a problem and needs to be dealt with
Be transparent:
Be willing to lay your cards on the table
IMPORTANT CAVEAT: There is a line called TMI - or "Too Much Information"
There are things that are secret for a reason
I'm not going to go into that as there are so many scenarios - we don't have time to unpack it in this episode
But the truth is this: Typically, we are so far from the TMI line - most of us can't even see it!
Our secrecy is often about small things - things we hide to protect ourselves, to keep from having hard conversations and to pretend we have it all together
So what would it look like to get some of those cards on the table?
Yes, things that might make you look bad
Things that might be embarrassing
Things you don't really want people to know about you
Things you would never put on that perfect little Insta story you have going
But things that open you up, and make you vulnerable to your family
Things that if they were out in the open - would provide a level of freedom and connection you really long for
Things that if let go - would decrease your stress, anxiety and fear immediately
Believe the best in others:
This is HUGE
But not easy for sure
We tend to jump to the wrong conclusion, see the worst in people and expect less-than-genuine motivation behind others behavior
So it takes hard work to do the opposite
But in the end - it makes all the difference
When we choose to think the best of a person - especially those in our immediate family - they feel it
They can feel that you support them - that you want what's best for them
And that if they were transparent about something big - you would assume the best - and have their back through it all
It's believing in sayings like, "Hurt people hurt people."
And giving people the benefit of the doubt first - before jumping to the wrong conclusions
Set aside time:
Have a family meeting to kickstart this process
If you've never done this before - it will be so hard...
Everyone will be thinking the worst - waiting for a bomb to drop like:
Mom and dad are getting divorced
We're being evicted from our home
We're moving to Guam
Or something along those lines...
So it won't be the most comfortable thing ever
But use that first family meeting to talk through this content
Explain what the secrecy cycle is, and how it plays out in a family
Give examples of ways it has impacted you from your childhood
Or ways you've seen it impact the people in the room
Then allow people to be transparent when comfortable
It may not be that night - and it may not be in a family meeting
It may be one-on-one with someone in the family first
Or it may come out of the blue when you least expect it - at dinner - or on a long car ride
But when it happens lean in and celebrate the fact that it happened
Did I already say, set aside time?:
An old pastor friend of ours used to say, "Velocity and Intimacy are enemies."
I thought I understood it back then - but I really didn't
Not until Tammy and I realized how many walls had been built inside our own family
That safe place where we thought we could all be ourselves and speak our minds
Only to realize that under the surface there was pain, frustration, hurt and loneliness that went unspoken
And that's when I understood the phrase a bit better
My first thought was about the vicious cycle of secrecy
But after that, I quickly went to velocity - the speed of life:
Running so fast that we don't really have time to hear people - even if they were willing to be transparent
Running so fast that we ask questions like, "You good?" Expecting a, "Yes" answer so we can keep moving forward
Running so fast you try to cram "quality time" down people's throats - just to say it happened - to check a box
But in reality - the only thing that can help the situation is deceleration
To push back against the velocity in our lives and be available more often
To set up guardrails against busyness
To create margin in our lives for relationships and intimacy to grow stronger
And finally, It has to be a Group Project:
It can't just be one or two people in the family being transparent
It has to be a group project - a group effort
Each person needs to own their secrets and be willing to get them off their chests
Understanding that it is a safe place - and that there won't be judgment
The family is there to listen, believe the best, comfort and support
There are times when someone's secret might directly impact you
Maybe it comes out that they have been angry at you for something you said, or something you did
Maybe a person owns up to the fact that they have always resented you for some reason
In situations like these it's hard not to immediately get defensive - and fight back
But this is an opportunity to practice Rule #3
Believe the best in others...
Try to just listen, and understand where they're coming from
It's their perception of the situation - so it's reality to them
Then - there will be times when you know full well you were in the wrong:
They have every right to call you out
In these scenarios we need to own up to our behavior
Apologize, and ask the person for forgiveness
And then, there are times when the transparency has nothing to do with you, or anyone else in the family
Maybe the person owns up to something they did, or a hidden addiction or something done to them as a child outside the home:
In these situations the most important thing to do is listen
Be supportive
Ask questions like, "What can we do for you based on what you just told us?"
Or, "How can we help you?"
Or, "What do you need from us right now?"
Let’s Land the Plane:
So there you have it! Easily wrapped up in less than an hour right?
Wrong...
I'll be the first to admit this isn't something that just goes away because you listened to a podcast episode.
I realized that this week as I was preparing. Secrecy is sinister, insidious and subtle - running rampant like a virus out of control. Working its way into families everywhere.
And it isn't going to just disappear...
What I've come to learn about things like this is when something seems this big - this daunting - there's a good chance it came straight from the pit of hell. That Satan himself concocted the virus and sent it into the world because he knew how much damage it would do.
And if that's true - there is no Easy Button. But we also know how important it is. Because something this big - something that has Satan involved is bigger than a first world problem. It's spiritual, and can have eternal ramifications.
So we as families have to push back - work as hard as we can to be more transparent and Transcend Secrecy.
This week I'm inviting you to ask yourself the following questions:
Did you grow up in a family where secrecy was a thing?
If so, what were these secrets and what damage was done?
Is secrecy a thing in your family today?
If so, what damage is being done right now?
And what needs to change to keep this damage from getting worse?
Can you see how transparency is the answer to this dysfunctional cycle?
Though not easy - how can you bring a new level of transparency to your home this week?
To break the cycle - what is one thing you could open up about in order to show your family it's important to you
Thank you so much for joining us on the podcast today. My prayer for us all is that we will work to keep secrets from ruining our families.
Have a great week, work on your transparency and as always keep Transcending Human!