TP11 | Transcendent Parenting | What Fell Through the Cracks (Bonus Episode)
Date: November 1, 2021
Welcome back to the Transcend Human Podcast!
So last week we finished up our series called Transcendent Parenting. But we realized there were a few things we missed…
So this week we’re wrapping things up with a bonus episode called: What Fell Through the Cracks.
And I thought a fun Minute of Transparency for this week would be to talk about the series and how you felt it went.
Setting the stage for this episode:
As we began releasing episodes of the Transcendent Parenting Series - we started to notice things
As we listened to the episodes, we found ourselves saying, "Oh no! We forgot to talk about this, or that!"
Or we would talk to someone who had listened to the episode, and they would ask really good questions - questions we didn't answer during production
So we took notes, and kept a running list of the things that fell through the cracks. And that's where this episode came from...
Today's Topic: What Fell Through The Cracks
Missing the mark
Addressing the messy
What we learned from our kids
Be encouraged
// 1. MISSING THE MARK
Like we said, when we started to listen to the published episodes - we immediately found things we wanted to change. Or things we missed.
So let's talk through a short list of those things:
The various stages of life represented:
We stuck to a very traditional family and stage of life
Probably because it's the stage we are in - "Married, with Children"
And we were probably comfortable talking about the stages prior to the one we're in - because we lived them
But in doing so - we ignored the following:
Singles
Dating couples
Recently married
Married couples without kids
Stereotypical or all-or-nothing statements:
Two things immediately come to mind:
The first is a statement we made in the first episode called First Things First:
We explained how we decided in advance, "Divorce would not be an option"
And I'm almost 100% sure for some people this came across the wrong way
Like we had some magic wand - and just by saying that before we got married - it kept us from having problems and from getting divorced
Which is SO far from the truth!
We should have explained further - and made it sound less dogmatic than it came across:
It's not like we entered into a blood oath where you cut the palms of your hands, and tie them together like in the movies...
It was literally a conversation or two - and that was it
It was us deciding in advance that this was our desire - our goal for our marriage
To try as hard as we could NOT to let it be an option. NOT to let it be an out. For it NOT to be the first thing that popped into our minds when things got tough...
All the while understanding that it wasn't a guarantee
At the end of the day, it didn't mean divorce would never happen. One of us could at some point drop a bomb and say, "I'm out of here." And completely break the vow we made that divorce would not be an option. And what then? You can't control the other person - so if that is what they chose to do - it's now your reality as well - you're divorced whether it's what you wanted or not...
The second statement I remember coming out of my mouth was something like this: "Parenting is a high calling that we've all been called to..."
Wha?! No it isn't!
I mean I guess if I was talking to a room full of parents who already had kids that might make sense...
But given the fact that people in all stages of life may be listening - that isn't a true statement at all
Parenting is something we choose to do. It isn't mandatory. And it certainly isn't something God expects of us
Missing the fact that Life is Messy:
This is a big one...
And I think we noticed it pretty quickly after listening to a few episodes
Back to the traditional family scenario...we pretty much stayed on that train throughout the series
Discussing the ideal scenario
But is that reality? Today, life is messy and families come in all shapes and sizes
Just a few examples:
Teenage moms
Single parents
Divorced parents
Blended families
Grandparents raising their grandkids
Kinship families
LGBTQ+ parents
And why did we not talk about these groups during the series? They make up a HUGE part of the world today. And if anyone should know this - it's us right? I mean we both went to school to study Social Work! We were taught how to work with all people groups - especially people struggling to navigate the difficulties of the Human Condition...
After listening to that first episode on marriage, a friend of ours offered some thoughts:
She said, "I loved the part where you talked about what comes first - your marriage or your kids."
She went on to say, "I was interested because of my mom and my stepdad. And if it's ok for my mom to prioritize that relationship over her own kids - even though we came first."
And that's when you and I looked at each other and our hearts just broke. And we knew we had "Missed the Mark:"
Because we felt the pain in her voice - in the question she was asking
And it reminded us just how big and diverse the world is
How many unique situations there really are
// 2. ADDRESSING THE MESSY
So let's dive into a few of these messy situations.
Not because our life isn't messy and because we want to call other people out. But because we've had messy situations in our own marriage - and because we grew up in situations that were just as messy.
Teen Parents
Single Parents
Divorced Parents
Blended Families
In tact Families with Issues:
Addiction
Abusive or controlling behavior
Legal problems
etc.
// 3. WHAT WE LEARNED FROM OUR KIDS
Things that came out in the conversation:
Prep for launch failures:
Not teaching the kids enough about cars
Doing everything fro them when it comes to technology
Not teaching them enough about cooking
Not preparing them for true "Adulting" - things like buying cars, homes, water/electric, insurance, negotiating, tax stuff etc.
When asked how we could have done better as parents?
Tyler:
Screen Time - would turn it off much sooner - even in Middle School
Wanted us to involve him more in our decision to move to CA
Rachel:
Even more conversations, more transparency about our lives growing up and our decisions
Wanted us to be willing to not just talk about the negatives, or the dangers of certain behaviors - but the reason we wanted to do those things in the first place. Be more “real” about our upbringing
Allie:
Religion - talk more about it - but also remain open about the fact that our religion is one of many in the world
Felt we bordered on “helicopter parenting” in one situation from Middle School
// 4. BE ENCOURAGED
We hope you had fun hanging with us for the last 10 weeks.
What we really want you to hear us say through this series is:
"We're all in this together. Nobody is perfect. We all experience the Human Condition. We're all dealing with messy stuff. You have worth and value no matter what situation you find yourself in."
Let's Land the Plane:
No questions this week - we just want to encourage you by reminding you who you are. That you are a person with value, purpose and meaning.
And that you have a unique thing to bring to the world - something only you can offer.
Thanks again for sticking with us through this entire parenting series. We hope you found it helpful - and that there were things you could immediately pull out and try with your own kids.
Next week it's back to regularly scheduled programming.
Until then, have a great week, and as always, keep Transcending Human!