TP06 | Transcendent Parenting | Making Memories
Date: October 4, 2021
Welcome back!
We are in the middle of a series called Transcendent Parenting. For those of you following along we're in Week 6. For those of you just joining, here's where we've been so far:
Week 1: First things first - Strong Marriage
Week 2: Parenting isn't optional - Parenting is a high calling and that you have to be all in
Week 3: Parenting through the stages - Looking at the stages of development from infant to adult
Week 4: Parenting plan of attack - Being proactive vs. reactive in our parenting
Week 5: Sell your helicopter - what it could look like to stop being a helicopter parent
Today we're asking you to Make Some Memories...
Minute of Parenting Transparency: Memories Define Us
Today's Topic: Making Memories
How important are memories?
Quality vs. quantity
Can you schedule memories?
Stories from the front lines
// 1. HOW IMPORTANT ARE MEMORIES?
According to Psychology Today, memories are what make us who we are. In fact, without memories we would have no reference point for living! We would be robots - reacting to our environment as it happened to us.
The article goes on to explain the types of memories we all have:
Knowledge is Memory:
This may seem a bit strange - but our knowledge - the things we learn, the things we know - are all just memories
It's why we say, "I need to memorize this for the test tomorrow"
Without memory, we would not have our databank of knowledge from which to understand the world
And in turn we wouldn't be much help to the world
Think of a world where nobody had the knowledge to build cars
Or there were no doctors, because nobody had created those memories about the human body
Memories are Procedural:
There are memories you lock deep inside your brain so that your brain will do things for you without thinking
When is the last time you thought about putting on a pair of pants?
You don't think about it - you just do it - because your brain stored that memory in order to repeat the behavior over and over with as little thought as possible
Memories are Declarative:
This is what we typically think of when we talk about memories
The conscious recall of information
Remembering things like:
What you had for breakfast the other day
Where you went on vacation your senior year of high school
Things like that…
Memories are Relational:
This one is HUGE!
When we start talking about declarative memories - it's important to understand that these memories are most often relational in nature
Yes - we can have individual memories
Memories about things we did alone
Memories about things we experienced when nobody else was around
But these memories pale in comparison to the memories we make with another person, our families, or groups of people
Memories that include that relational element
These are "shared experiences" - and they seem to be much stronger than "solitary experiences"
“Now if this is true - it means we need to be spending time with other people! Not just hanging out by ourselves, scrolling the socials and binge watching shows on Netflix. ”
If we do that, we're going to miss out on valuable memories - the ones we will remember for the rest of our lives. The ones we share with other person and can relive every time we see each other again.
And that's really the point of this episode - understanding that the memories we make as a family are so valuable - and will be what we carry forward throughout our lives.
The "Making Memories" concept:
Where did we first hear the phrase, "Making memories," and how was it explained?
Not sure - but heard people say it in various scenarios
Turning difficult or unexpected situations into memories that in the future will be looked back on fondly
They will be viewed as shared experiences that bonded us
We'll tell some stories later to help flesh this out further...
// 2. QUALITY VS. QUANTITY
So when we're making these memories - we almost always make them with another person - or with other people.
That's where the phrase, "We're making memories" comes from. There has to be another person there in order to say "we." And there has to be another person years down the road in order to able to look back on it and laugh about it as a shared experience.
So when we spend time with people there are typically two kinds of time we spend:
These chunks of time are often referred to as: Quality Time and/or Quantity Time.
According to the world - and the culture we live in - you often hear things like this:
"It doesn't matter how long we were together. It just matters that we were together."
"It isn't the quantity of time that matters - as long as the time we spent was quality time."
But there are a few problems with that logic:
First - you don't get to determine when "quality time" is going to happen
You can't schedule it and tell the other person it is going to be "quality time"
Especially if it is a teenager we're talking about!
And finally: "quality time" these days is very difficult to come by thanks to the distractions in our lives
Most of us carry a device everywhere we go
It's always there, always needy, always notifying us, and always working to keep "quality time" from happening
So with this being true - we would suggest today's view of time needs to be rethought.
And we need to stop looking at it as one or the other - and start looking at as BOTH AND.
We need to be spending quantities of time with those in our life so that every once and a while quality time happens...
// 3. CAN YOU SCHEDULE MEMORIES?
In a word - no!
You can't schedule memories - because they happen when they want to happen. They're as random as the weather. You know they're coming - you just can't predict them with 100% accuracy.
Ted Bryant, a pastor at Granger Community Church, recently spoke about this. He introduced the concept that there are REAL situations and there are IDEAL situations:
And according to him, Real is better than Ideal:
Real: Everyday moments, going through life, spending time with each other - this would be quantity of time...
Ideal: What we think needs to happen in order to make memories - the big, expensive vacations, the planed events, etc. What we see on everyone else's Instagram accounts... These are the quality time situations we try to manufacture…
And I completely agree - REAL is better than IDEAL.
But at the same time - IDEAL shouldn't get thrown out as unimportant.
We believe you CAN schedule things. You can schedule blocks of time where making memories is highly likely to occur...
Here are just a few of the things you can schedule:
Regular family time - make it a priority
When the kids are young - this might be built in on some level
But as they grow it happens less and less - so you need to schedule time to be together
Vacations - at least once a year
They don't have to be big, or expensive
They just need to be away from your current living situation
// 4. STORIES FROM THE FRONT LINES
So we thought it might be fun to end with a few stories we look back on as "Making Memories" moments.
Stories we tell in our family because they were shared experiences - and events or situations that bonded us even though they may have been difficult at the time.
Devil's Tower
The Storm
Let's Land the Plane:
This week, think through the following questions:
Look back on things with your family:
Have you made memories together?
If not, what could you do differently in order to encourage this to happen?
How have you ever thought about the differences between quality time and quantities of time?
Are there changes you can make this week to ensure quality time is more likely to happen?
Have you ever tried scheduling time with your family?
A family dinner?
Movie night? Game night?
Or is it time to plan that week-long family vacation - to get away from it all?
Thanks for joining us again this week. Next week we're going to talk a bit about preparation. We're calling it Prep For Launch and we hope you'll be back here with us for that.
Until then, have a great week, go make some memories, and keep Transcending Human!