130 | Transcendent Deconstruction - Part 4: The Stages of Deconstruction
August 29, 2022
Minute of Transparency: My Personal Deconstruction - Round 4
Today's Topic: Transcendent Deconstruction - Part 4: The Stages of Deconstruction
Understand the cost
Playing Jenga with your beliefs
How far is too far?
// 1. UNDERSTAND THE COST
One thing I think we touched on earlier in the series is the fact that deconstruction isn't for the faint of heart.
Simply put - deconstructing isn't simple. In fact it can be very difficult, and painful. It can be lonely and can leave you with more questions than answers.
In my naïveté I probably assumed people in the deconstruction process would be happy. Because they were throwing out the moral code that brings restrictions and repression.
Once those things are removed - you're free to explore, learn new things, be exactly who you think you should be. And there is nobody there to give you boundaries.
What I'm trying to say is this, "People who deconstruct are doing so because they want the freedom to sin as they see fit, and without condemnation."
Now, this is often the way deconstruction is viewed by the people you are leaving behind. The people still in the church. The people who don't have the questions and doubts. Or maybe they do have them - but they've pushed them down and decided not to think about them.
And I can guarantee this was me at some point in my life:
Self righteous
Looking down on people who didn't have it all figured out
Assuming that the people leaving the church just couldn't hack it
They had a few screws loose
They weren't fully bought in
They just wanted to get back to the world they left behind
Ever think that way? Ever feel those feelings about people leaving your church?
Man - looking back I feel terrible. The indoctrination was so front and center for me. I was bought in hook, line and sinker. And was acting without actually thinking. Like a robot - programmed to always perform the task the same way - without questioning it.
Until it all came crashing down. And like Neo - I started to see through the software. Little glitches in the Matrix if you will.
Things that were most likely there all along - but easily dismissed as random - when you don't want to believe something else is going on behind the scenes.
And for me - that's when things started to get difficult. The deconstruction process began and it wasn't easy or fun.
I had to learn that the hard way.
But then I started hearing stories similar to mine.
I listen to a podcast called Bonafide with Jonathan Storment:
I think I've mentioned it before on the podcast
Jonathan is a pastor
But he interviews people he calls the "Religious Nones"
Nones are a growing group of people who grew up in the church world - but now identify as atheist, agnostic or as having "no religious affiliation" at all - hence the word "none"
Now most of the people he interviews are old friends - people he went to school with, people that used to go to the same church he went to, etc.
So these aren't confrontational episodes - debates where both sides power up and put on their apologetics gear
They are good conversations between two people. One who is a pastor, and one who decided to deconstruct and eventually walk away from their religion
Many of these self report as atheist, or agnostic
But there are a few that report being on a journey of reconstruction - slowly finding the faith that existed within their religious indoctrination
After listening to the entire first season - I started to hear a common thread
One that Jonathan latches onto as well - one that reinforces what I said about deconstruction being a difficult thing
Almost all of the people Jonathan interviewed said this in one way, shape or form:
"I wasn't looking for this."
"I didn't go searching for this."
"I didn't see this coming."
"This isn't something I wanted to happen."
I also listen to The Deconstruction Zone Podcast:
Hosted by a pastor, Danny Lybarger and one of his parishioners, Emily, who reports being in the process of deconstruction
And she echoes this sense of angst that she's going through
Growing up in the church, and even pursuing college degrees in Biblical Studies
But with questions and doubts that led her down the path of deconstruction
She doesn't talk about it as fun, or exciting at all
In fact she is very clear about the pain involved, and the loss of community that went along with it
But at the end of the day it wasn't something she could ignore or turn her back on
It was growth in a new direction - and she had to see where it was asking her to go
Pretty crazy right?
Now - some might say, "Of course they feel this way - because they are walking away from God - and that's one of the most dangerous things you can do."
But that wasn't my impression listening to their stories.
None of them went from being a hard core Christian one day, to a lifelong atheists the next.
If you did that there probably would be a lot of second guessing, and doubts about your choice.
But what these people described was the start of a long process. And it was the process they didn't see coming. It was the questions and the doubt that they didn't ask for. They just showed up one day - and never left.
This is why they refer to as frustrating. Why they wished they would wake up one day and realize it had all been a bad dream.
Because deconstruction is disequilibrium.
Similar to standing on solid ground, then experiencing an earthquake.
This is a perfect illustration for those of us living in California - or somewhere along the Pacific Ring of Fire.
An earthquake has a very strange effect on a person. Your brain associates the ground you're standing on as solid, and all movement is typically happening in relation to the ground. For example, you jump and you're jumping away from the ground. When you land - you're landing on something solid - so your knees have to shock absorb to soften the blow. A car moves over the solid ground. A plane files away from the solid surface of the ground.
But when the ground is the thing moving - you experience disequilibrium. Or a lack of equilibrium or balance.
During an earthquake - if you are standing up - the first thing you do is look for something to grab onto. Or, if there is nothing to grab - you're immediate thought is to sit down - to be closer to the ground - and less likely to be knocked over.
And the same is true when you deconstruct. The things you were Indoctrinated to believe make up the solid ground you're standing on.
And when you start to be Enlightened, that solid ground starts to shake a bit - causing you to lose your balance.
So this is what I meant when I called this section "Understand the Cost." Not that you should count the cost, and have that influence your decision to deconstruct. But to know proactively that there will be a cost. Understanding that it comes baked into the process.
// 2. PLAYING JENGA WITH YOUR WORLD VIEW
So this is where the rubber meets the road so to speak.
The series is called Transcendent Deconstruction - so we should probably talk about the process. The stages you go through when deconstructing.
In the Minute of Transparency I walked through the stages of my journey. Round 1 through 4.
But I got to thinking, "I wonder if there are some common stages. Or a common process people describe when deconstructing?"
So I did some research and found three articles:
Deconstruction's Three Phases by Scot McKnight:
Liminality: My studies of conversion theory and apostasy concluded that those who occupy this liminal space walk away from the faith, or they linger in liminality, or they move into reconstructing faith on a different basis with a different kind of church. Many in this phase are ambiguous, anxious, wounded, and wondering
Elimination: They are searching for the gold of Christianity but not knowing exactly where it will be found. They can be easily irritated, even angry, and not a little bit cynical. Most that I encounter today who say they are in a “deconstruction” phase in their faith are in this phase of elimination
Liberation: These deconstructors become, in other words, re-constructors. They reconstruct their Christian faith from the foundations up and they slowly, carefully lay one brick on another until they form a Christian faith that they find consistent with Jesus and what the church should and can be (all over again)
Now, I like this explanation - but obviously - not everyone reconstructs - there are those who go all the way and give up their faith - all of it. And Scot doesn't address this group at all...
The 5 Stages of Deconstruction by NakedPastor.com:
Now - we aren't going to spend a lot of time here - because the author of this article simply steals the Kubler-Ross Stages of Grief which include:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
And while I see this as a little cliche - I do think they're on to something
Going back to our fist section where we talked about the cost associated with deconstructing...
The cost can be grief. The cost can be a little traumatic in fact...
Think about the ex-mormon mother with 6 kids who leaves her husband and the church
Her entire world gets flipped upside down - and in the back of her head all she can hear are the prophets words - telling her she is damned to hell because she left
You can't tell me she isn't primed for the Stages of Grief...
The Six Stages of Deconstruction by Mike Insac. Now I really resonated with this guy's list - probably because I can see myself in each of the stages he describes. So here they are:
The Disillusionment Stage:
This is the disequilibrium I was talking about earlier
You weren't expecting it to happen - then it does
And you're caught off balance
The writer explains that it is common to feel fear, anger and confusion as things begin
The Separation Stage:
Getting to the place where you realize you need to separate yourself from certain people, places or things
The writer explains that it is common to feel grief, fear and relief when separating
The Grieving Stage:
You reach the place where you start kicking yourself for being duped
"How did I allow myself to be involved in this for so many years? And I now have nothing to show for it!"
According to the writer - people often go through the traditional Stages of Grief in this stage
The Resting Stage:
The Resting Stage envelops the feeling of tiredness with the knowledge of a job well done so far
It is often the time where one admits how weary they are of the process
Deconstruction is brutally hard work and often means the loss of the structures one relied upon
The Justice Stage:
In the Justice stage, one emerges from resting to realize that there are way too many people who haven’t even begun to question the status quo which you have awoken to
Questions like, "Why am I the only one?"
"Why can't anyone else see this craziness?"
This is the stage where former victims of child sexual abuse might join groups like CASA
Where victims of narcissistic pastors may scream on social media, write articles and blog posts about clergy who are still getting away with crimes
This stage is filled with anger - not necessarily a hot burning anger - but one that is filled with determination
A desire to resolve wrongs
The Advocacy Stage:
According to the author:
Advocates go way past the anger of the Justice Stage
Maybe 1 in a 100 people move past to becoming an Advocate
If you choose this path - it means devoting yourself to that cause and never letting go of it, even if you grow weary
Very few make it to this stage, or choose it
But none of us would ever have grown disillusioned if it wasn't for advocates
Now - if you read this entire article - you quickly realize that the author is focused on trauma. He mentions things like:
Being treated poorly by church officials
Being shamed by the Purity Culture
Not being accepted by the church due to sexual orientation
Sexual abuse at the hand of the church
Emotional abuse by narcissistic pastors
Notice the theme?
In each of these case - the person went through something painful or traumatic
And this was the catalyst that started the deconstruction process
Interestingly enough - I fall into the same category:
I saw way too much working for the church
My wife and I got to see behind the curtain
We watched narcissistic leaders tear down staff members in front of their peers
We watched leadership focus solely on business strategy vs. the spiritual care of their people
And we were both let go in ways that made you question the intentions and sincerity of the leadership
Put all of that together, and my deconstruction process was well underway
But it got me thinking...
Does it have to be this way? Does a person have to be traumatized in order to see the light and begin deconstructing some of the things they were indoctrinated into?
And the conclusion I came to is this:
No - I believe people begin deconstructing for numerous reasons - even reasons that are wrong, or bad
But I also believe that being wounded by the church catapults you into the deconstruction process faster than anything else
And this is both a good thing and a bad thing
Good - because you are questioning impropriety - shining a spotlight on inappropriate behavior so you aren't harmed moving forward. And - in deconstructing - maybe you become an advocate for others
Bad - because at times it can be a knee-jerk reaction. They were mean to me - so I'm leaving and never coming back. If that church hurt me all churches will hurt me - so I want nothing to do with the church ever again. See the danger in that? Throwing the baby out with the bath water...
Which is the perfect segue into our next conversation...
// 3. HOW FAR IS TOO FAR?
So the Bad, the knee-jerk reaction or what I've referred to as the slippery slope of deconstruction in previous episodes is what we're talking about.
Why? Because it's a very real thing.
Any time you start something - in this case the deconstruction process - there are multiple outcomes. Numerous ways the story can end.
Let me illustrate...
When you become a teenager - and you start going to high school parties - you will at some point come into contact with alcohol.
It may be a random partygoer that shows up with a bottle, it may be multiple partygoers that show up with it. Or it may be the entire point of the party - and the alcohol is supplied by the host (or the host's parents these days...)
At any rate - there it is - a bottle of alcohol - and you get to decide what you want to do with it.
So here is the situation: Let's say you were indoctrinated by your parents that drinking of any kind is wrong. Then, you attend this party and are enlightened to the fact that there are people who drink all the time, and allow their teenage kids to drink. So you begin to deconstruct your beliefs about alcohol.
As your deconstruction process kicks off, maybe you turn down the drink at this first party. I mean it all happened so fast - you needed a minute to think it through. But at the next party you give it a go. By the end of your senior year you're drinking at every party you go to. And the pattern continues throughout college.
Now - this is where the "How far is too far?" thing comes into play...
Like I said - there are multiple outcomes - numerous ways the story can end.
Here are just a few using our illustration:
You continue to drink throughout college - then get married and slow down because it just isn't something that seems to fit your new vibe
Your drinking ramps up throughout college - then you get married - and drinking is just part of your life long term. It's constant, but consistent and never seems to cause problems
Your drinking ramps up throughout college - then you get married - and your drinking starts to become an issue between you and your wife. You get into awkward situations when you're out with the guys, and a recent DUI has led to a loss of your drivers license and court fees that add up
Your drinking ramps up throughout college - then becomes full blown alcoholism by the age of 24. You know it's a problem but can't seem to kick it. You can't hold a relationship and keep losing jobs
Now - those are just 4 outcomes out of an infinite number of possibilities. But you should be able to see where I'm going with it.
When you start down a path - it will lead you somewhere.
And this is true when it comes to deconstruction:
It's a process that starts at some point
Then it becomes a process - a journey you undertake
And where it leads, and how far things go is up to you
You can make a few adjustments and call it a day
Or you can ride the train all the way to the end of the line
It's your choice
So back to our question: How far is too far?
Well, I'm going to throw out some ideas - but with this caveat:
At the end of the day - I can't answer the question for you
I can only answer it for me
Now, I can throw out some guardrails. I can try to draw a few lines in the sand and at least bring them to your attention.
But it's still up to you:
If you want to ride the train all the way to the end of the line - that's your choice
Or maybe I should say it like this... If you believe strongly that you need to ride the train all the way to the end of the line - then that's what you need to do
I believe that the voice you're hearing is your conscience. A spiritual compass inside each of us that is guiding us toward truth, and away from danger.
The conscience could very well be our guide through the deconstruction process. And it's my belief that if we're truly listening to that voice - we won't go too far. We'll deconstruct the things we need to deconstruct - and we'll know when to take our foot off the gas and become comfortable in our new surroundings.
Now, that said, here are some of my random thoughts about the process:
Deconstruct Religion - Not Spirituality:
I think I've said this before in this series
When we start to deconstruct the church baggage we were taught - most of it will be religious in nature
Do's and don'ts, rules, traditions, expectations, denominational requirements, cult-like things, etc.
These are things that denominations, pastors and other human beings come up with
But they aren't spiritual most of the time - they are just religious activities
We need to look deep inside - and allow our conscience to guide us when it comes to the spiritual things
This will look different for everyone - but for me - this is a line I've drawn in the sand
I will deconstruct as much of the religious stuff as necessary - but not at the expense of my spirituality
I still believe there is a God and I still believe in Jesus - and the work He did here on earth
That is the spirituality piece I can't shake
Now this makes for some awkward internal conversations - but they're conversations I need to have
And then there is the daily onslaught of conflicting data, stories and misinformation we're inundated with through TV, radio, podcasts, news and of course social media
Fish with a large net:
One of the things we tend to do when we start to deconstruct is to gravitate toward people like us
And this can be good - because it helps us see that we're not the only ones who feel like something is wrong with the indoctrination we experienced
However, there is this thing called confirmation bias:
Where you start to search for, interpret, favor and recall information in a way that confirms or supports your new beliefs
This can be dangerous because pretty soon you've surrounded yourself with so much information from the opposite side of the equation - that you start to believe that it has to be right - because it's what everyone else believes
And in so doing - you've come full circle
After all - isn't this how you were indoctrinated in the first place? Your parents and your friends and your pastor all told you the same thing - so it's what everyone must believe...
This is actually one of the most dangerous things about social media
On TikTok for example - your feed, or your For You Page - is based on an algorithm
It quickly changes to match the things you watch the most, the things you like and the people you follow
And before you know it the world looks like it believes exactly the way you do!
If you're way on the left - you'll see people bashing Trump all day long
If you're a Christian Nationalist - you'll see people bashing Biden and calling for an overhaul of the government
But that's not seeing clearly
That's fishing with one fishing pole in a pond stocked by the Department of Natural Resources
The hook goes into the water and what do you know! Another trout - just like the last one you caught!
So we need to take a different approach when we fish
We need to go out into the large, vast ocean and throw out a massive net that will catch all sorts of things
You haul in the catch, look things over and determine what stays and what goes back into the ocean
This allows you to fight against your confirmation bias
Keep a level head and an open mind:
These are probably two of the hardest things to do
My guess is that many people choosing to deconstruct are disillusioned, experiencing disequilibrium and are probably irritated and angry on some level
So out of instinct - we flee - we get as far away from the pain and the problem as we can
And if our safety is involved - then that's great - get away from the situation
But for others - there is no safety issue - it's just anger, or frustration with the system
And when this is the case - the more level headed and open minded we can be the better
As it will keep us from throwing the baby out with the bath water
In my situation - I saw this firsthand - because I was the one doing it!
I was mad at the church and the leadership within the church
So I left, and still haven't really returned to the church
Sure I go every now and then
But it's so hard for me
I want so badly to connect with church on a meaningful level
I want to go and get things from the weekend messages
But at the same time it's so easy for me to jump back into my feelings
I get judgmental, and angry again
I start to see the hypocrisy, lies and manipulation in places they may not even exist
I see how the formula is being followed - and it takes me right back to those days when I was part of the problem
When I was an agent of the church - blindly following the leadership - assuming they had good intentions
So it's a fight I have to fight - but a worthwhile one
Keep a level head and an open mind as you decide the next right thing for you
Let's Land the Plane:
Hopefully this week was helpful. We got to dive into the actual process of deconstruction and see what it looks like from the inside.
Next week we finish things up in Part 5: The Transcendent Future
What does it look like after deconstruction?
How can we still live lives with purpose and meaning even after giving up some of the things that provided this for us in the past?
Until then - here are a couple questions you can ask this week if you are deconstructing:
Have you ever thought about the cost of your deconstruction?
What have you experienced?
What are you concerned about in the future?
Did you resonate with the Stages of Deconstruction we walked through?
And if so - where do you see yourself in the process? What stage are you in and how is it going?
Have you ever thought about the end game?
How far is too far for you?
Do you have a line you won't cross?
Or are you just taking things one day at a time?
Again, thank you so much for being here:
If you are not in the middle of deconstructing - I'm glad you're here and I love that you are where you're at
If you are deconstructing and you're just looking for others going through the same thing - we're glad you're here too
If you are deconstructing and the cost seems too great - like you're barely holding on - we're glad you chose to be here as well
But don't hang out in the shadows
Reach out - connect with someone - talk through the difficulties you are facing
I would love to hear your story if you feel comfortable sharing.
You can reach out at: info@transcendhuman.com
Until next time everyone, have a great week, and as always, keep Transcending Human!