CDT02 | We Were Sent In a Specific Direction
Date: January 17, 2022
Welcome back to the podcast - more specifically the Conscience Driven Therapy Series.
Conscience Driven Therapy
Learning to Transcend the Human Condition
PART I: THINGS WE CANNOT CONTROL
Chapter 1: A Lot of Things Came Before Us
Chapter 2: We Were Sent In a Specific Direction
Chapter 3: There Were Landmines & Minefields Along the Way
PART II: THINGS WE CAN CONTROL
Chapter 4: The First Step Toward Health & Healing
Chapter 5: Hold On to the Good - Release the Bad
Chapter 6: Locus of Control & ETOTO
Chapter 7: Understanding the Battle
Chapter 8: Knowing Is Half the Battle
Chapter 9: Transcend Human
Chapter 10: Becoming a CDT Ambassador
Minute of Transparency: You are what you saw...
Chapter 2: We Were Sent In a Specific Direction
People
Places
Things
// 1. PEOPLE, PLACES & THINGS
The phrase "People, Places and Things" isn't as common as I thought.
I did a Google search to find an article that explained it well. But I got nothing but media items...
Page after page with results for movies, books and plays - all with this as the title.
But that isn't what I was looking for. I was hoping to find a good article on a concept that came out of the 12 Step Programs. Most notably Alcoholics Anonymous.
And while it isn't one of the actual 12 Steps - it is a mantra - used by members of the group to describe what kept them drinking, and what can keep them sober.
So for instance, in an AA Meeting you might hear statements like this:
"These are the people, places and things that kept me drinking."
"These are the people, places and things I need to incorporate into my life in order to remain sober."
Here's a more specific illustration:
Let's say a member of the group is talking about a recent relapse - and how they just didn't see it coming
Another group member pipes up, "People, Places and Things man! You didn't stick to your plan..."
Maybe the guy who relapsed started hanging out with someone they used to drink with
Maybe they started hanging out in the old neighborhood again
Or maybe they fell into old thought patterns - thinking they would never succeed, they weren't valuable enough to stay sober
Whatever the case - the person fell back into old habits when it came to People, Places and/or Things
This is what "People, Places and Things" has always meant to me.
And in this episode we're going to talk about each of them in a similar way.
With the understanding that there were People, Paces and Things we grew up with that still "influence" us today.
They influence our thinking, behaving and feeling. The way we think, the way we act and the emotions we experience.
That said, let's start with People:
When we look back on our childhoods - our upbringing - there is usually a short list of people that we would say impacted us. Here are just a few examples:
Birth parents
Step Parents
Grandparents
Aunts and Uncles
Cousins
Close family friends
Teachers
Coaches
Camp counselors
Youth pastors
Theater or dance instructors
Friends your age
and the list goes on...
The important thing to understand is that people impacted you:
You may not have everyone on the list above
And you may have people I didn't list
But you have your list - and I have mine
So when discussing our chapter for today, "We Were Sent In a Specific Direction," these are the people we're referring to. These are the people who sent us in a very specific direction.
Now before we dive in, I want to separate the people on our lists into two very important buckets:
Bucket #1: Family
Bucket #2: Everyone else
So let's start with family...
Which is a very broad term these days right?
The traditional family with bio father, bio mother, and a few biological children is quickly becoming a relic - a thing of the past.
Today, you're more likely to see blended families, where there are non-biological parents. There are grandparents raising grandchildren. You have foster and adoptive scenarios - including gay and lesbian unions with adopted or partly biological children.
So why am I making the distinction between biological and non-biological?
Well, because of DNA of course! Genetics.
There is no denying that your genetic material is a direct link to those who came before you - your biological father, mother and even a few generations before them.
So when I say, "These people sent you in a very specific direction" I mean it.
It's kinda like a computer's operating system:
When I got my latest MacBook Pro - it came with macOS 11.6 - or what we call Big Sur
When I opened it for the first time - that was my experience - I got to experience Big Sur - which operates in a very specific way
You could say Apple sent this computer in a "very specific direction" by placing Big Sur on it
I mean - they could have decided, "Let's put OS X Yosemite on this one." And that would have been a completely different direction
Which for me would have been a completely different experience
And so it is with us. When we're shipped - or when we're born - we come with an operating system already on board - which includes a number of things:
It includes the genetic material that makes us human
It includes the genetic material that makes us the gender we are
It includes genetic material passed down through our family:
This determines things like skin color, hair color, eye color, height, all sorts of things
But it also includes medical issues. A classic example of this is hemophilia - a rare blood condition that does not allow the blood to clot. And there are many more. High blood pressure, heart disease, certain forms of cancer - all passed down from generation to generation
Another area being researched today is the genetic link to mental health issues. When I was a practicing clinician, I can remember a psychiatrist explaining that psychosis (as seen in schizophrenia) could be passed down genetically. Sometimes from one generation to the next. Other times it would skip a generation or two and then show up again. If it ran in a family, the psychiatrist would look for psychotic symptoms in a patient in or around 18 years of age
But it's not just schizophrenia. The research is starting to suggest more common mental health issues like depression, and anxiety may be passed down as well. The good thing is that genetics is only one piece of the puzzle when it comes to mental health. There are environmental factors and experience factors that play in very strongly as well
And finally, our Operating System comes with the Sin Virus pre-installed. We discussed this last week, and we called it Human Nature:
The underlying “angst" that afflicts the human race
The idea that, “It’s always easier to do the wrong thing than the right thing”
That, “Being good is usually harder than being bad”
For example, we're born selfish. It isn't something we have to learn. As children, we come out of the womb expecting the world to revolve around us
So that's what I mean by biological. This is the "baggage" (if you will) that is handed down from our biological families...
But that's only half of the equation. We also know that there is also an environmental impact that comes with families. Or what we could refer to as the "exposure principal."
This idea that by simply living with a group of people for that long, we are impacted by them. They send us in a very specific direction because of the many years of brainwashing...
Ouch...I probably shouldn't refer to parenting as brainwashing. Even though it is on some level...
In our family, we used to tell our kids, "Life isn't fair." And we would tell them over and over again - typically after they whined about someone getting something they didn't get.
In essence we were trying to brainwash them - we wanted to wash their brains of the idea that life should be fair. That if one kid got to go to a sleepover, all three should get to go to the same sleepover...
Now in this scenario - you're probably ok with my use of the term brainwashing - right? I mean it's parenting, it's upbringing, it's teaching. So it is what it is.
But we all know that brainwashing isn't just used in scenarios like this - trying to teach our kids to be good adults.
Brainwashing is also used for evil:
Telling kids over and over that they won't amount to anything
Telling kids over and over that certain people don't deserve to live
Telling kids over and over that the other political party is made up of the enemy
Telling kids over and over that it's ok to put the toilet paper so the loose part hangs at the back of the roll...
Ha! It was getting a bit dark so I felt the need to lighten the mood...
But you see what I'm saying right? The exposure principal includes but is not limited to:
How we were parented
Things we were taught
The way our families communicated
The amount of physical touch allowed in the home
The way our parents presented the world (religious ideation, political ideation, etc.)
The way siblings interacted
The cleanliness of the home
The work ethic displayed
The perceived locus of control - or the control you were taught you had
What was acceptable behavior and what wasn't
How other people were to be treated
How to respond to authority figures
And the list seemingly never ends
“At the end of the day, our family of origin - no matter if it was a traditional family, or a modern family - sent us in a very specific direction...both genetically and through the exposure principal.”
At the end of the day, our family of origin - no matter if it was a traditional family, or a modern family - sent us in a very specific direction...both genetically and through the exposure principal. For those of you keeping track - we're really just talking nature vs. nurture here. And I'm suggesting it isn't one or the other - it's both and. Both our nature, and the nurturing we received helped send us in a specific direction.
Now I don't want to get bogged down here - but there are a few important concepts to understand:
Transgenerational Theory:
Stuart Lieberman wrote an article called, "A Transgenerational Theory" which was published in the Journal of Family Therapy (1979)
In the article he sets the stage for some of the things we just talked about
That there is an important connection between us and those who came before us
A connection between generations
He discusses things like bonding, family patterns, family losses, family replacements and family secrets
This is high level stuff - but the ideas spawned a movement
Family Systems Theory:
The psychiatrist Murray Bowen also added to this field of research
He came up with Family Systems Theory which echoed many of the same ideas as Transgenerational Theory
And out of these theories came actual forms of therapy - many still practiced today
Transgenerational Family Therapy
Family Therapy (Said to have been started by Alfred Adler)
Family Systems Therapy (Created by Murray Bowen)
But all of these forms of therapy have one thing in common - this idea that our family of origin sent us in a very specific direction...
Okay - time to shift gears away from the family - and talk about everyone else on our list:
Again, my list is different than your list
But every person on that list is important
Because they impacted us - either for good or for evil as we were growing up
So let's look at some examples from each:
First, examples of people who impacted you for the good:
A coach that not only taught you to play soccer - but also taught you ownership, and the importance of teamwork
A teacher that kept you from falling through the cracks - teaching you to believe in yourself
A neighbor that let you come over when things at home were out of control - and showed you what love and acceptance really meant
A youth pastor that called out your value - when you felt like a nobody
A high school friend that listened and gave good advice at a time when you were thinking about making bad decisions
Next, let's look at a few examples of people who's impact was negative or evil in some way:
A dance instructor who never let you forget that you were a few pounds overweight
A teacher who called you out in front of the class and made fun of you for being a Christian
A neighbor who allowed you to come over and watch inappropriate movies with their kids
A friend who always pushed the envelope with drugs and alcohol and pressured you to go along
A youth pastor that you trusted broke that trust and tried to start a physical relationship with you
I understand, this opens up a can of worms for many of us. So many emotions, so many questions and so many things left unresolved from our pasts.
And while we can't resolve all of those things here today - there is good news!
This is what Conscience Driven Therapy is for.
At the end of this series we should have the big picture view - an overview of the way CDT works. And how it can be used to resolve many of those things still causing us grief today.
CDT is a construct - a framework that can be followed to help us rise above the Human Condition. To deal with the hand we've been dealt and to proactively chart a new course for our future. A course that will not only help us live better lives, but will break cycles in the family of origin we're creating for our kids.
// 2. PEOPLE, PLACES & THINGS
Next up - Places.
So not only did the people in our lives send us in a specific direction. But so did the places we lived.
Now I know - it sounds a little strange. The idea that an inanimate object had the ability to influence us on that level.
But after we flesh it out I think it will make more sense.
So let's define "Places" a bit more:
When I refer to places I'm referring to all of the following and more:
The physical home you grew up in
The street you lived on
The neighborhood you were part of
The school you attended
The place(s) you worked
The church or churches you attended
Your town or city
Your state
Your country
etc.
Now I'm not saying all of these places had a negative impact on you. Just like we discussed with people - places will have both good and bad elements:
Some of the places where you spent time provided positive things
But some of the places where you spent time may have injected negative things into your life
Now we don't have time to walk through each of these places in detail - so instead I want to talk about some of the ways these places impacted us. And in order to do that I want to use Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs as a guide:
We'll start with the most basic needs and work our way to the top:
Physiological Needs: The need for food, water and shelter
Think back to the home you grew up in - or maybe even the neighborhood, or country
What was that like?
Were your basic needs met?
Did you have food? Water? Shelter?
Did you have everything you needed to survive? Or were there times when you lacked these basic resources because of the environment you grew up in?
Dealing with a lack of basic needs on any level can impact your life in the future
Safety Needs: The need to feel safe and secure
Was you home a safe place?
Was your neighborhood safe?
Was the country you lived in stable? Or did you never know from day to day what might happen to you?
Living in an unsafe environment for any length of time can impact your life in the future
Belonging & Love Needs: Having intimate relationships and connections
Often this is based more on people than places
But your environment can also play a big role in whether or not people are connecting relationally
Think about living in a community that is always under threat of war
Will people be trying to make and keep friends? Or will they be more focused on survival?
Or what if you grew up in a cult where there were really unhealthy boundaries and rules about who you could take to
Growing up like this might change your ability to understand what real connection looks like
Esteem Needs: The need to feel accomplished - that you're providing value
Again - the ability to feel accomplished often comes through relationships
People telling you you're doing a good job
People paying you a lot of money to do the things you do
Your popularity in your community
But again, places can have a big impact on this
For example - if you lived in a very poverty stricken area - you may not have the opportunities to learn, and become accomplished at something
If you live in a culture where there is a class system and you find yourself in a class with no power or position - it might be hard to fulfill the need for esteem
Self-Actualization Needs: The need for morality, creativity, spontaneity, purpose and meaning
This one is really broad
But essentially what Maslow was suggesting is that these needs are cumulative - that you have the have the needs met in the previous category before you can address the ones in the next category
So for example, if you are stuck in the lowest category - wondering where your next meal is coming from - self-actualization will be the last thing on your mind
So let's bring it back to places...
Let's say the school you attend is an inner-city school where violence is a daily occurrence:
Teachers spend most of their time managing the behavior in the classroom
You're not challenged to be creative, or to find your meaning and purpose in life
This will continue to be a need in your life because it that
Let's say you grew up in a home where atheistic or nihilistic themes prevailed
Your need to develop a sense of morality may not be fulfilled in this setting
After all - if you believe in survival of the fittest - above all else - that is your morality
And abiding by cultural or societal norms might be difficult - especially when those norms are based on religious values you've never heard of before
Like I said - this category is very broad - and includes things like:
The religious climate you grew up in (or lack there of)
The political climate you grew up in
The level of openness in your community (very liberal vs. very conservative)
The socioeconomic level you grew up in
The level of diversity you experienced during your upbringing and how integrated that diversity was
The social climate during your upbringing - how your community dealt with racism, sexism and other forms of prejudice
The importance of social justice in your community:
If people were protected
Or if you just looked the other way when bad things happened
// 3. PEOPLE, PLACES & THINGS
So we've talked about people who sent us in a specific direction.
And we've talked about places that sent us in a specific direction.
And that leaves things that sent us in a specific direction.
Now we aren't going to spend a lot of time on this one - because the idea that things happened to us when we were growing up is a much bigger topic - one that we will go into great detail on next week.
But for today - let's define what we mean by things:
So people are all about relationships and interactions. Places are all about locations and environments. And things are everything else. I mean we could say things are all about events and incidents. But I feel like that would be too simple - that I'm forgetting things that should be in there as well.
But looking at things as events or incidents does work on some level. And they are distinct in the following way:
Things may include people
Things may include places
But a thing is an event or incident that happened at a given time in our life and had a profound impact on us
The kind of impact that sent us in a specific direction
So let's just throw out a few examples:
An incident of sexual abuse:
Obviously this also overlaps with "people" or a person
But it is a thing - because it was an event or an incident that happened at a specific time in your life
A minority living in an all white neighborhood, and one night a rock is thrown through the window with "Go home" written on it
Again, this involves people, and a place
But it was a thing that happened - an event - an incident that you never forget
And finally - you're staying at a hotel when a tsunami hits and you barely survive
Unique - right?
Does not involve people - or at least people didn't cause the event
It does include a place - one that you may be living in, or one that you're visiting
But it is a natural disaster - and event or incident you can't attribute to a person or a place really
It simply happened - and you were impacted by it
Now obviously - I'm shining a spotlight on the negative right?
Bad people
Terrible places
Horrible things
So before we go any further - let me remind us that it works both ways...
Just as there were good people in our lives and negative people in our lives. Just as there were good places and not so good places. So too there were good things we experienced along with the bad.
And when we talk about people, places and things sending us in a specific direction - we aren't just talking about the bad stuff. Though the bad stuff often gets all the blame for the way we turned out right? We look at our past and immediately blame our poor decisions today on the bad things we went through back then.
But what if we looked at it differently?
What if we recognized that the good things we experienced actually balanced out the bad?
That because of the good things - we didn't go off the deep end?
That our life could look completely different if it wasn't for that one person, that one place or that one thing that happened at just the right time?
This is the balance we need to have when we look back on our upbringings:
We can't look at the good and ignore the fact that bad things happened - that isn't helpful
We can't focus on the bad and pretend nothing good ever happened to us - that isn't helpful either
We need to be honest with ourselves that we've experienced a handful of both:
We need to be thankful for the good - and focus on it from time to time in support of a healthy world view
But we also need to recognize that bad things happened - and that they may be impacting us in a negative way still to this day
This is the balanced approach we need - especially as we move into next week's discussion - which will focus mainly on the bad things we experience in life...
So let’s land the plane:
In Chapter 1 of Conscience Driven Therapy we discussed that before we even start to look at ourselves - we must understand this truth: "A Lot of Things Came Before Us." And these things must be understood. We can't just give them lip service. They need to become part of our world view. They need to inform how we look at the world, how we look at our lives and how it impacts our interactions with other people. Only then will we have an appropriate foundation upon which to build a more solid structure.
Today, in Chapter 2 of Conscience Driven Therapy we discussed when we were kids, there were forces acting upon us. People, places and things that influenced who we were becoming. And these influences sent is in a very specific direction.
HOWEVER: While it is true - we were sent in a specific direction. It doesn't mean we have to continue in that direction:
Yes - it is hard to deviate from your path when you're moving quickly in one direction
That's just science! Newton's first Law of Motion - or the Law of Inertia:
"An object in motion will remain in motion with the same speed and direction"
So there it is - proof that when we're sent in a very specific direction as kids - we are likely to remain headed in that direction - hence the cycle of abuse...
But luckily there is a second part to Newton's Law of Inertia:
"An object in motion will remain in motion with the same speed and direction. Unless acted upon by an outside force."
And there it is. The catch - the loophole - the out
The way to change directions at any point in life
Even though we were sent in a specific direction - the ability to decide that it isn't the direction you want to be headed in
There is an "outside force" that can alter that direction
We'll spend time talking about this in Chapters 4-10
But for now - just understand that people, places and things had a very big influence on who we are today.
This week ask yourself the following questions:
Looking back at your upbringing:
List a few people who were good influences in your life
List a few people who had a negative impact on your life
Think back to the environment you grew up in:
What were some positive things about your community?
What were some negative things about this community?
And finally, when you think back:
What were some really good things that happened in your life?
What were some negative things you experienced?
Another episode in the books. Thanks for joining us this week. I love that we're walking through this content together. And I hope it impacts your life the way it did mine.
Join me next week as we dive into Chapter 3: CDT03 | There Were Landmines & Minefields Along the Way
We take people, places and things to the next level - by identifying some of the big landmines we stepped on - and how they are impacting us still today.
Have a great week, and as always, keep Transcending Human!