050 | Transcending ME
February 22, 2021
Minute of Transparency: Found On Road Dead
Today's Topic: Transcending ME
In this episode:
It's All About ME
ME Through the Years
Moving from ME to WE
// 1. IT'S ALL ABOUT ME
I titled this episode "Transcending Me" but other titles in the running were:
Transcending Self
Transcending Selfishness
Transcending the "I" in Team
Transcending Myself
Things like that...
Because this episode is all about selfishness.
It's the capital M, capital E, ME
It's the ME, ME, ME problem
Which I believe is a pandemic in and of itself...
You've probably heard this phrase, "There is no I in Team."
Coaches love to use it with players who aren't sharing. When they're being a ball hog. When they aren't passing, or when their ego seems to be a bit too big for their helmet.
But if you look closely at the word "TEAM" you realize there is still a problem inside of it. Because there is ME in TEAM.
There may not be an I, but if there is a ME, we're still in the same situation. And the funny thing is this - ME is hidden in the word. The M and the E are in the wrong order and they aren't even near each other. But you can still get ME out of TEAM.
And that's the insidious nature of selfishness in the world today. It may not be in your face obvious. But it's there - and the impact it has is staggering.
Selfishness is something we came by honestly. It comes directly from a sense of Pride - which is said to be how sin originated.
We walked through this in Controversy Theory.
Satan (or Lucifer before he was kicked out of Heaven) was an amazing Angel with power, position and a seat next to God Himself.
But something happened inside of him - something that had never happened before in the entire universe.
This little seed inside of him started to grow. It was called Pride, and because Lucifer gave into it, watered it and kept it growing - it eventually became the main focus of his life.
It led him down a path of rebellion against the very Being who had created him and loved him. Eventually, he had to be removed from Heaven to keep the cancer from spreading.
Pride took everything from Lucifer, and will continue to take from him until his dying day.
So what does Pride have to do with Selfishness?
Well, they seem to have an interesting connection.
In the article, Pride and Selfishness by Steve Preslar in The Beacon Newsletter he sums it up like this:
"Pride is self-importance and self-focus – which leads to selfishness which is prideful thinking and prideful actions"
"Pride and selfishness always go together"
"A truly humble person cannot be selfish at the same time"
"So pride and selfishness are rooted in every sin"
This is something I never really thought about
The fact that every time we sin it is because we're giving in to a Prideful or Selfish piece inside of us
The article gives examples like:
Satan's sin in Heaven
Adam and Eve's sin in the Garden of Eden
David's sin with Bathsheba
And this list goes on
In each situation the person was operating out of Pride, which led to them being selfish about the things they thought they deserved to have, which led to the sinful actions
Interesting stuff for sure - but for the sake of this episode we aren't going to focus on the Pride piece. We're just going to focus on the selfishness it breeds.
So based on the whole Lucifer story - we understand that we came by selfishness honestly - right?
It was found in Lucifer. He allowed it to mature into a full-blown virus. He then offered it to Adam and Eve, who agreed to try it. And they passed it to their kids, who passed it to their kids and so on and so forth down the line to you and me.
So we came by selfishness honestly.
Great!
So what does that mean? Do we just give in to it because it's part of our human nature? Is it just a little piece of the human condition - one that we have no control over?
Well, the answers is an ambiguous yes, and no...
Yes: Because we give in to our selfishness all the time. It's the default reaction. Especially when we're young, or in times of weakness.
But at the same time, No! It is NOT something we have to give in to. We can learn over time how to be less selfish. We are on a growth journey but it is a long journey...
// 2. ME THROUGH THE YEARS
Talk about a growth journey - that's exactly what I believe each of us goes through in life.
From birth to death we're on a journey which includes many growth tracks:
It's a physical journey
It's an emotional journey
It's a financial journey
It's a spiritual journey
And within the spiritual journey - we have a growth journey from selfishness to selflessness - or humility to put it another way
Now this isn't something I've read about, or researched. It's more of a concept I've pieced together over time. Pulled from my education, watching others, talking to my parents, and just living through these phases myself...
I'll call it the "Selfishness Journey" just for the sake of today's episode - though I really like the sound of "Journey to Humility" or something along those lines, because it suggests the positive destination we're heading for.
But whatever we choose to call it - this journey is tied to the traditional stages or phases we go through in life.
Now quick caveat before we begin. I need to apologize in advance because I'm not going to work through everyone's life experience. For example, there are people who choose not to get married. There are couples who get married and choose not to have kids, or are unable to have kids. So we're not going to walk through every eventuality.
Instead, we're going to walk through the overly traditional stages that the average person walks through in his or her life, and attach a selfishness level to that stage:
Infant: 100% Selfish
As an infant, all you're concerned about is yourself and how you're feeling
Perfect example of, "We came by it honestly - right?"
An infant cries when they feel anything out of the ordinary - any slight fluctuation in their perfect environment
Hunger
Too full
Gassy
Too hot
Too cold
Cramped
Bored
Fear that there isn't someone around
Needing to be held
Wanting to hear sounds
Hearing too many sounds
Need I continue?
Child: 95% Selfish
No I only chose 95% to show growth
There is nothing scientific about the 95%
But I believe that as a child grows - they begin to hear things from their parents, teachers and coaches - people they trust
They hear concepts like, love, help, serve, share, give, support, etc.
And just hearing these concepts can get them on the growth path toward being less selfish
Now children are still highly selfish, and think mainly about themselves
But even if they only grow 5% in this stage - we're on the right track
Tweener/Teenager: 80% Selfish
I clumped the middle school and high school years together as they seem pretty redundant in terms of selfishness
And again, the 80% is not scientific - it simply helps us see that growth is happening
During these years we begin to test out the concepts we heard from our parents, teachers and coaches
We try sharing, we try loving other people and we try giving things to others
At times it is for very selfish reasons - to get people to like us - but at least we're trying
We're starting to see that being 100% selfish is NOT the best course of action
In fact we don't really like people that are 100% selfish
And if we get too close to that number we start having people leave us because we're hard to be around
So I'm going to be generous and say that 20% of the time teens are aware of their selfishness and able to make good decisions in light of that knowledge
Single Adult: 75% Selfish
Notice we didn't grow a lot from the teen years to being an adult
But it makes sense
Not only are we still single - but we're older and have more control over our lives - which only serves to increase the desire to do things and have things our way
Single adults have actually reached a pinnacle of selfishness if you will
They are completely self sufficient, can be their own person, can survive without another person if they so choose, and assuming they are working and have money - can pretty much buy whatever their heart desires with no impact on anyone but themselves
And so we find ourselves in this crazy stage of life where it really can be all about me - if I want it to be
And there's the difference
At this stage a HUGE piece of the puzzle is the choices a person makes
There are extremely selfish single adults
And there are extremely unselfish single adults
All based on the way they were raised and whether or not they choose to act on the things they learned
But we'll leave the 75% just because it seems right...
Married Adult: 50% Selfish
So why did I pick 50% Selfish for a married person?
Well in part because I thought it was funny
The whole 2 shall become 1 thing...
50% and 50% = 100%
OK - lame, I know
But let's go with it for now
The point is that when you really commit to someone, by default you're giving some stuff up
At least if you want it to work...
Many people choose not to give anything up
And there's a reason why the divorce rate is so high in this country
Fun fact: The divorce rate in the US is 50%. The divorce rate in Orange County where I live is 72%
And selfishness plays a major role in those statistics
But if we attack marriage with the understanding that it requires we give some stuff up for the other person, we're on the right track
So what are we giving up?
Some of our freedom:
No longer are we the only person in the house
We share space, facilities, amenities, dishes, etc.
We can't just go out whenever we want, or do whatever we want
There's another person involved
We give up financial freedom:
We stop buying things in the heat of the moment because we want them
Instead we have conversations about what to spend money on
We start buying things we need vs things we want
Purchase are often forward thinking vs. fun to have right now
We give up some social freedom:
We don't get to date around any more!
There may be social activities that end - like going to the clubs, hanging at the bar, guys night, or girls night - depending on the intent of those activities (often a very singles focused activity)
So in this stage of life - selfishness is on trial so to speak
It's kind of a make it or break it stage
Either you figure it out and survive - even thrive
Or you fail, and you're miserable, or divorced - whichever wins out...
Married With Children: 25% Selfish
Next up - you guessed it - adding kids to the mix
The 25% is arbitrary - but you get the intent
At this point your life is no longer your own
You have committed not only to another person through marriage
But you've added little people and you've taken on the responsibility that comes with raising and protecting smaller versions of yourself
Because of this - all the things we talked about in the Married Adult section still apply - but are taken to the next level
At this point even hobbies and interests you and your spouse may have had become kid-centric
The world is not supposed to revolve around your kids, but given the society we live in, the magnetic pull they put off is intense
School, music, dance, sports, church, friends, birthday parties, vacations, the dentist, braces, wisdom teeth, dating, sleepovers, driving lessons, sweet 16 parties, first jobs, college applications, oh my goodness...
If you choose to be around for all of that - and I mean really be there - in the moment - bought in - for all of that...
You will have to do business with your Selfishness Percentage on a regular basis
There's no getting around it - when you live with 4 other people - at some point you have to check your selfishness at the door
You roll up your sleeves and ask, "What do you need me to do for you today?"
And that is when you have the Aha Moment. At least it was for me...
That's when my Selfishness Percentage really dropped
I started to realize life wasn't all about me
I began to think more in terms of what was good for the family than what was good for me
I can't tell you what my percentage dropped to - but it dropped for sure
Mature Adult: 10-35% Selfish
I couldn't decide if I really wanted to go farther than Married With Children or not
But let's do it...
So the Mature Adult stage means two things to me:
First - it's me:
Now I'm only 50 years old, but something feels different lately
I feel like I've moved into this stage of life
I have two girls in college, and still have a boy in high school
But now that he is driving, and is more independent, things have slowed down a lot for us
My wife and I are wrestling with new questions about our future, our interests and the whole nine yards
Second - it's seeing the world vs. just family:
This may just be my experience - but for the past 20 years my focus has been family
Sure I watch the news and sure I know what's going on in the world around me
But the Lion's share of my time and energy was spent on family
Until recently - when things changed for me:
Part of it has to do with the kids getting older and becoming more self sufficient
But there is another part brought on by 2020 - the pandemic, racial tension, political unrest and the growing instability in the natural world - undoubtedly brought on by climate change, global warming, or whatever you feel has led to the changes in our environment
At any rate - the end result of all these things for me is what I would refer to as a more mature outlook on the world around me
To put a blunt edge on it - a less selfish outlook on life
What I realized is that even as my Selfishness Percentage dropped during the family years - there was still a level of selfishness
I was selfish because I was so focused on my family! How crazy is that?!
The idea that you can be so unselfish when dealing with your own family - but still view the world around you in selfish ways?
If I had the Aha Moment earlier in life - this was definitely the Mind Blown Moment...
It's as if the world, the people of the world and the state of things reached out and grabbed me - pulled me out of the selfish little bubble I had been living in for so long
I started to think more globally
And I'll admit it - I started to think about the End of Time again
In my 20s I was obsessed with Eschatology. I read books about it, watched movies about it and talked to people all the time about how it was all going to end
Then I got married and had kids - and completely let Eschatology go
Until recently...when I started Transcend Human, and dusted off Controversy theory again
Crazy timing when you think about it
As I was firing this thing up - 2020 was just getting started...and we see where that took us!
So let's finish things up on the Mature Adult stage:
In summary - it's that time in your life where the family stage is coming to an end
Not that you're not a family any more - but the kids are moving out and it's just different
Life slows down
It's back to being a Married Adult again - just with a wealth of experience and knowledge behind you
It's looking at the world around you and deciding what's next
It's finding that one thing you know you're supposed to do - the one thing only you can offer the world
It's really wrestling with the concepts of purpose and significance
Looking back on your life and deciding what your legacy will look like
How you'll be remembered
So why did I list a range when I suggested the Selfishness Percentage for the Mature Adult?
Well, mainly because I think the road diverges here for many people
Some draw on a lifetime of experiences and move full on into the humility zone
While others backslide into selfishness and become more grump and more demanding in their old age
Now like I said, I didn't account for every life experience and I certainly didn't account for outliers:
There are people who were selfish when they were born, and will be selfish to the day they die
And conversely there are people who seem to grow up as humble as can be, and live almost angelic lives
But somewhere in the middle is where most of us find ourselves - in one of the stages we just walked through - dealing with selfishness the way I described it
// 3. MOVING FROM ME TO WE
Back when I worked at Granger Community Church I remember us doing a weekend message series called, "Moving From ME to WE." And while I don't remember the specifics, the big idea, the felt need or the reason we did a full series on this topic - the name has always stuck with me.
And I think it has, because to me it is the perfect tagline for this journey we're on:
Moving from selfish to selfless
From selfishness to humility
Taking our eyes away from the mirror in order to see those around us
Working together for the good of others vs. working hard on my own strategy to meet my own needs
It would be awesome if we could get this figured out early in life right?
Like maybe back in the Single Adult stage? I mean, what if hundreds of thousands of single adults suddenly became aware of the world around them, became passionate about making it a better place and started putting others needs before their own?
What?!
How crazy would that be? What would that even look like? And can I sign up to live in that world?
Imagine the society that would create - the culture it would breed. People helping people all over the place?
I know - that's not reality. It's not the planet we live on.
However, that doesn't mean we give up - or just give in to the selfishness we were born with.
We have the freedom of choice. And it's up to us what our Selfishness Percentage is in all of the stages we talked about.
Let’s Land the Plane:
I'm going to throw one other concept out there. And it's a little controversial - but just hear me out.
I find it fascinating that the stages above are stages God created for us. In other words, we didn't come up with these stages. These aren't manmade in any way.
God designed them. When He created humankind - He set these stages in motion:
We are born
We grow
We learn
We connect with another person
We bear and raise children
And eventually we reach full maturity...hopefully...
Now if sin had never entered this world - who knows what this would have looked like.
But isn't it interesting that in this sin infected world:
We're born into the world infected with the sin virus
Sin is a direct result of Pride, and Selfishness
Selfishness is what we're all born with and struggle with
And in His brilliance, God created a growth path - a set of stages that help us work on that selfishness
Each stage requiring that we spend less time on ourselves, and more on others
A growth path that, if we're honest about it, actually grows us up into the people that He wants us to be
The best versions of ourselves
People that reflect the true nature of their Creator - and leave a legacy that can change the world after them
Again, controversial because people choose to remain single, and some choose not to have children. But I don't see the stages as a required path - only the traditional path - the one put out there to help the lowest common denominator work through inborn selfishness.
In fact, Paul himself in 1 Corinthians 7 explained that he saw being single as a benefit. That if you could remain single there would be nothing in your way as you worked to make the world a better place.
Notice he didn't say, "I wish you could all stay single, like me, so you can do whatever you want and not have to answer to anyone. Life is so much easier for us!"
No! Not at all - in fact, if you look at the life of Paul and what he did because he was single - you might rethink your decision. Paul dedicated his singleness to God, and spent his life on mission for Him. It was a life filled with difficulty, physical pain and eventually death at the hands of the Romans. Paul died a martyr - but look at the things he was able to accomplish in his lifetime as a single person.
So the stages are NOT a requirement. However, I still find it amazing that God created us the way He did, and that these stages exist.
What would our world be without them I wonder?
So this week, I have a few questions for you:
Where are you at in the list of stages?
Do you feel like your level of selfishness matches the stage you're in?
If you had to give yourself a Selfishness Percentage - what would that be?
Are you good with that percentage?
Or do you feel like you have work to do?
I know I do...
Finally, what is your next step in order to move from ME to WE?
My prayer for you this week is that you are able to identify where you're at. And identify where you'd like to be.
And that you're able to take steps in that direction.
Thank you so much for hanging with us this morning. I hope this was helpful and enlightening on some level.
As always - we'd love for you to share us with your friends and family.
Until next time, have a great week, and keep Transcending Human!
