172 | Transcending Perfektionism

October 23, 2023 Daryl McMullen

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172 | Transcending Perfektionism Daryl McMullen

October 23, 2023

Welcome back!

I hope everyone had a great week this week.

It's been a lot for me - so I'm just going to roll my intro right into the Minute of Transparency so we can dive in: WTF

Today's Topic: Transcending Perfektionism

The Sin Virus
Pesky Temptations
Avoiding Perfektionism

// CHAPTER 1: THE SIN VIRUS

For those of you who have been around a while - you know that Transcend Human has some common themes, mantras and ways of describing the world around us.

We talk a lot about the Human Condition. and how we can transcend it - or rise above it - rather than giving in to it.

And we talk about the Sin Virus - and the role it plays in our lives.

And for some reason it just felt right to bring it up again today.

Maybe because the wars we just talked about are based on it. The Sin Virus is the root of it all. Without the Sin Virus there would be no war. With it - war is just one of the many negative symptoms of the disease.

As we've discussed - the Sin Virus started in heaven. Ground zero - and patient zero.

Lucifer - the exalted angel of music in heaven. The leader of the heavenly choir.

One day had a thought. Why is God in charge? And why shouldn't it be me?

That little seed of doubt, anger and jealousy crept in - and Lucifer started to water it, give it sunshine and allowed it to grow into a raging weed that eventually took over his soul.

It led him to infect 1/3 of the angels in heaven - convincing them that God was a fraud - and that they would never be totally free until they overthrew Him and took control of heaven for themselves.

And the rest is history.

Lucifer and his angels fought to take control - but they lost - and were forced out of heaven.

They came to our little planet - and eventually convinced us to rebel against God too.

The Sin Virus that started in heaven - came to this planet - and it is an invasive virus - infecting every single atom on the planet.

It has impacted the solar system, our planet, the natural world, the animals and the human race.

The Sin Virus was here to stay. That is, until God sent His Son to remedy the problem.

Jesus came to earth, lived a perfect life by not giving in to the Sin Virus - and was murdered by His own people.

I call it murder - but since Jesus was half God and He could have wiped out His enemies if He chose to - it became more of a sacrifice than a murder.

Jesus allowed it to happen. He gave Himself up in that way because in doing so - He created the antidote to the Sin Virus.

An antidote that will forever be available to us - as long as we choose to take it.

Like the COVID vaccine - what too soon?

No - it's exactly like that. Assuming the vaccine works of course.

Think about it. The vaccine was created - and assuming that it does work - you still had people refusing to take it.

That's exactly the way it is for each of us when it comes to the antidote to the Sin Virus.

We have the freedom of choice. We can take it - or leave it.

Some take it blindly. Others require some research. Still others do research and refuse it. And there are those who refuse it blindly.

But it exists. The antidote is there for each of us.

So why are we talking about the Sin Virus? In an episode about perfektionsim?

Well, my hope was to review this information because it's foundational.

This belief or understanding that we live in a fallen world. That the Human Condition is what it is because of the Sin Virus.

And that the problems we face in life, the issues we have, the natural disasters, the wars, the hatred, the anger, and even issues with our mental health are all a direct result of the virus.

Unfortunately this has created a very polarizing debate. We refer to it as the original sin debate. Or basically, the debate as to whether we're born good or evil.

Are babies inherently good? Or are they born sinful?

I never realized how important this was to people until I had the conversation with my wife.

Tammy puts her foot down on the side of good. That we're all born good - and that there is good in every person.

I grew up with a more pessimistic view of things - assuming the Sin Virus was passed down from generation to generation and that it was a more constant thing - impacting everything - including newborn babies.

Again - this is pretty important to people as I found out.

But the more I think about it the more I question why it's so important.

I mean - just because I believe babies are born with the Sin Virus doesn't mean I think they are evil?

Any more than I believe an adult is evil just because they have the Sin Virus.

To me it's a Human Condition thing.

And the Sin Virus - even though it's there all along - requires a person understand it first - before it can really take hold.

Similar to Lucifer being perfect until he found the virus and started giving in to it.

A baby doesn't even understand what it is. But at some point a child comes to that understanding. They start to recognize that there is right - and there is wrong. And that's when the Sin Virus really kicks in. When we understand the battle that is going on behind the scenes. Between good and evil. And we make calculated choices one way of the other.

// CHAPTER 2: PESKY TEMPTATIONS

This whole idea of understanding right from wrong - and having to make decisions one way or the other - is where temptation comes into play.

Now - people get a little weirded out when you start talking about temptation:

Some people want to take the spiritual aspect out of it completely:

Temptation is merely the thought about doing something you've been told not to do
Or maybe it's thinking about doing something that society believes is wrong
Or maybe it's thinking about doing something that could harm another person

Then there are those who are okay with the idea that it's a spiritual thing:

Temptations are spiritual - something in the universe is trying to derail you
It's the yin vs. the yang - an understanding that there is light and darkness inside each of us - and it's the fight to keep the darkness at bay

And finally, there are those comfortable with the full spiritual implications:

From the Christian origin story found in the Bible
There is God and there is Satan
There is good and there is evil
God sent Jesus to rescue us
Satan tempts people do sin in order to get back at God
We call this Spiritual Warfare - and it can be taken to the extreme
People seeing every single decision as spiritual - including what you wear in the morning and what you have for breakfast...
That's obviously a little much
But in moderation - this view holds that Satan (or his demons) are active in our daily lives
Pushing us to make poor decisions
Pushing us to give in to the Sin Virus
In an attempt to keep us from God - or to take us away from Him all together

So how do we deal with, or overcome these temptations?

Well, let's take two different approaches.

First, let's look at it from the Christian point of view:

How does the Bible suggest we handle temptation?
An article on christianity.com provides 26 verses about temptation
And in those 26 verses - here are some of the insights we find:

We need to be watchful
We need to have a prayer life
God will not let us be tempted more than we can handle
God always provides a way out of temptation
Then it talks about this thing called the Full Armor of God
Each piece of armor represents a spiritual discipline - and here is the list:

Truth, righteousness, the gospel of peace, faith, salvation and the Word of God
Now - if these are supposed to help us stand up against temptation - we should probably take each of them seriously in our lives:

Do we know the truth?
Are we trying to do the right thing in any given situation?
Are we promoting peace?
Do we have faith that God is with us in the fight?
Have we been saved? Have we accepted the antidote to the Sin Virus?
And is the Bible something we use on a regular basis to provide strength in our lives?

Okay - two final thoughts from the article:

Find joy in temptation - because it is the only thing that leads to perseverance and completeness
Submit to God and the Devil will run from you

Next, lets take a psychological approach to temptation:

Leaving religion, and spirituality out of it all together
How can a person resist temptation?
Well - there are many theories when it comes to this
Most based on the therapeutic treatment modality the therapist adheres to
For example: Behavioral, Cognitive Behavioral, Psychodynamic, Reality Therapy, Solution-Focused Brief Therapy, etc.
However, let's keep it more general
I found an article about temptation on goodtherapy.com so let's walk through it together:

First it defines temptation as a "strong desire or drive to do something"
Notice it didn't say that it is something Satan whispers into your ear...
Though the article does acknowledge that there is a religious understanding of temptation which defines it more like this:

"...a lure toward sinful or risky behavior." And this lure is often attributed to the Devil or a force for evil

But from a strictly psychological standpoint - temptation is just a strong drive to do something
Temptation is often associated with cravings or addictions:

Everything from strong addictions like drugs and alcohol
To simple things like wanting a piece of cake while on a diet

Here are some important aspects of temptation research studies have uncovered:

Some people are more susceptible to temptation than others
Temptation appears to be wrapped up in the brain's reward system (and the release of dopamine)

For some - dopamine is released when tempted
For others less or no dopamine is released when they are tempted

This could be genetic
But could also be environmental as the study showed that rats under high stress when young appeared to have a harder time with temptation when grown
The amount of time spent trying to avoid temptation can also make it harder to avoid falling into it

Numerous attempts to avoid a temptation depletes our mental energy - which makes it harder to avoid the temptation
Basically a vicious cycle

Interesting stuff. But let's get to the tools - the ways we can resist temptation according to this article:

Practice self awareness and mindfulness
Meditation - which increases mindfulness
Establish healthy habits and routines
Adopt an abundance mindset

Okay - that's the info from the article - but I wanted to add two more for good measure:

When I was a clinician - I used these all the time:
First - is the practice of "Finishing the story:"

Basically - a temptation is us focusing like a laser on the thing we want to do
For example - a laser focus on the next drink for an alcoholic
It's all you see - it's all you can think about
But finishing the story goes like this...

I take the next drink - which leads to three more drinks - which leads to me being incapacitated when my kids get home - which leads to me passing out sometimes and being unable to care for my kids - which could potentially lead to me having my kids taken away from me

See the power behind that? Thinking through the entire story and admitting that it typically goes that way vs. only thinking about the next drink

Second is the "Miracle Question:"

This is typically used in Solution-focused Therapy in order to get the client to picture their life without the presenting problem
It goes something like this: “Imagine that you went to sleep one night and a miracle happened. When you woke up - the problem you are struggling with is suddenly absent from your life. What does your life look like without this problem?”
But if we apply this to temptation - maybe we phrase it like this: "Imagine a miracle occurs - and you no longer feel tempted to engage in this negative behavior. What would your life look like? How would your life be better?"
Similar to the previous exercise - this is very powerful - because it forces the person to see a clearer future - and in a round about way - they're identifying the negative things they are experiencing right now because of the behavior

// CHAPTER 3: AVOIDING PERFEKTIONISM

So those of you that joined specifically to hear me talk about perfektion are a little miffed right now.

2/3 of the way through the episode and I haven't mentioned it once.

Apologies - but at the same time we just walked through two important elements to the perfektionism dilemma.

The why and the how ...

First the why:

Why do some of us experience perfektionism?
Well - in my estimation it's because we all experience the Human Condition and we're all infected with the Sin Virus
And together, these two things become the petri dish in which all sorts of mental health issues can grow and mature

Next up, the how:

You guessed it - temptation:

Now you can look at temptation from the religious or spiritual point of view - and assume that the Devil has something to do with it
Or you can simply take a scientific approach and view temptations as strong desires or cravings we experience - leading us toward behavior that may not be the best for us
It doesn't really matter - because you're going to experience the temptation either way

Now you noticed that I threw the term "mental health" in there.

Important because: Perfektionism doesn't exist in a vacuum. It is one of the many cognitive and behavioral responses we form in response to the Human Condition.

It may not get top billing with things like:

Depression
Anger
Anxiety
or Addiction

But it is a thing. A very real thing that many of us struggle with.

So let's start with the official definition from dictionary.com:

any of various doctrines holding that religious, moral, social, or political perfection is attainable
a personal standard, attitude, or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything less

Interesting right? That the first definition is actually related to religious or moral beliefs...

But at the end of the day I like the more general definition - that you require things to be perfect at the expense of everything else...

And like the mental health disorders we mentioned above - it comes on a spectrum.

We know that depression isn't a one size fits all thing. You have everything from "feeling blue" to "feeling suicidal."

Similarly - perfektionism should be seen on a spectrum.

But let's list a few traits first. According to verywellmind.com here are 10 signs you might be a perfektionist:

All-or-Nothing Thinking
Being Highly Critical
Feeling Pushed By Fear
Having Unrealistic Standards
Focusing Only on Results
Feeling Depressed By Unmet Goals
Fear of Failure
Procrastination
Defensiveness
Low Self Esteem

And where does it come from? Well, the article goes on to suggest the following:

A fear of judgment from others
Growing up with parents who set unrealistic expectations

I would also add having parents who were very legalistic from a Christian or Religious standpoint

Having a mental health disorder associated with perfectionistic thinking
Poor self esteem
Feelings of inadequacy
A need for control or feeling out of control
Tying our self worth to achievements

So based on all that - the traits of perfektionism and the causes of perfektionism - let's now look at some levels on the spectrum.

Not all of them - but just a few that stand out:

WANTING to go our way - or be done how we would do it:

Sound familiar?
It should - because this may be common to each and every one of us
Things like loading the dishwasher - then watching the way another person does it - and wondering what's wrong with them
Or the way you place the roll of toilet paper on the holder - you might have strong feelings about that
So many things
And we find some level of peace and comfort when people do things the way we do them

ATTEMPTING to have things go our way - or be done how we would do it:

Similar to the list above except now - instead of thinking about it - we actually try to make it happen
Maybe we ask people questions - or try to convince people to do things the way we do them
Maybe we follow people around and redo things they've already done
Maybe we spend a lot of time "fixing" things that don't line up with our preferred way
Maybe we start to have arguments - leading to social or relational problems with those we care about
I had a guy chastise me one time in a public bathroom for using two paper towels instead of one
He even showed me how you could use one very carefully so that both sides absorbed water and kept you from needing the second one
Bless his heart - he was only trying to save the environment

FORCING things to go our way - or be done how we would do it:

Obviously this is the highest level of perfektionism
When we have to have something a certain way or we lose it
Or we demand that others do things our way and wind up alienating ourselves because people don't want to be around us
At this level you are typically diagnosed with some sort of Anxiety Disorder:

Panic Disorder
Agoraphobia
Specific Phobias
Social Phobia
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
I left off PTSD and Acute Stress Disorder as these are typically associated with experiencing a traumatic event

Basically at this level the issue is so big that it is having a negative impact on your life

Now the two Anxiety Disorders most associated with perfektionism are Generalized Anxiety Disorder and OCD:

Generalized Anxiety Disorder is a persistent anxious feeling that is difficult to control, causes significant distress in your life and can be related to a variety of things - including the irrational concern that things aren't perfect...
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder which includes either obsessions or compulsions:

Obsessions are intrusive thoughts that cause distress
Compulsions are repetitive behaviors required in order to reduce or prevent distress

Now for me - GAD is loosely associated. But OCD is a much closer match.

When I think of needing things to be perfect - I picture a person arranging cans in a cupboard so that all the labels are facing one direction and there is a color spectrum created by the cans vs. a random set of colors scattered throughout the line.

Tammy and I recently watched a documentary on Netflix called Beckham - the story of David Beckham.

And toward the end of the series - it became clear the person interviewing David for the documentary found his level of perfektionism (or possibly OCD) fascinating. Because he commented on it a few times - then in one segment actually had David show him things in the house that illustrated his need for order - order on the level of perfektionism.

The interesting thing is that David never explained it as a problem. In fact he just described it as something part of him. A desire to have things a very specific way, and that he was willing to go out of his way, spending countless hours, to ensure that's the way things were. Everything from the cabinets in the kitchen to the closet in his room.

Now friends - I'm not going to diagnose a person I don't even know. But if these behaviors were causing friction between David and his family - or if they were keeping him from getting other more important responsibilities done - that is classic OCD.

But I digress. I'll end with a few conclusions about perfektionism:

First, it's not the end of the world - even if it gets to the level of GAD or OCD
We're simply trying to control our environment - possibly because we feel out of control
And to make matters worse - the Human Condition is very good at letting us know we're not in control...
Perfektionism on some level makes us who we are - and can help us succeed:

If David Beckham is a perfektionist - it definitely took him places
For me - I have no doubt a certain level of perfektionism allowed me to learn new things, and helps me in the QA process at work - a process that requires a high level of pickiness and attention to detail

That said - it can creep up on you
If you let it - your desire for things to be a certain way can go from WANTING, to ATTEMPTING to FORCING
And before you know it you've developed a very bad habit - one that alienates you from others and begins controlling your life

So what we need is moderation - balance - for those of us who lean toward perfektionism.

View it as a skill on the one hand - something that can help you be successful. But also be vigilant to make sure it doesn't become your entire world.

Because nothing will be perfect this side of heaven...

Let's Land the Plane:

Friends - I hope you've had a great week this week - despite everything going on in the world.

I hope you found joy in your routines, in the people around you and in the small things that make up a day in your life.

Thanks for being with us on the journey.

Until next time, friends keep Transcending Human!

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