154 | Transcending Uncertainty
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154 | Transcending Uncertainty
March 13, 2023
Welcome back!
I recently had the privilege of being a guest on The Failed Christian Podcast with Joey Papa.
We discussed addiction - and I was able to share the story of my struggle with alcohol.
If you’re interested: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/s2e7-yes-jesus-loves-me-the-addict/id1624378416?i=1000600485310
Minute of Transparency: Don't make me change...
The Harvard Business Review - an article by Rosabeth Moss Kanter:
10 Reasons People Resist Change:
Loss of control - your need for self determination is challenged
Excess uncertainty - not being able to see clearly what the projected future holds
Surprise! Surprise! - things thrust upon us are often resisted
Everything seems different - change removes or changes rituals and traditions we come to rely on
Loss of face - changing can suggest that what you're leaving was wrong - or that it failed in some way
Concerns about competence - questioning yourself about your ability to do the new thing
More work - change is always harder than remaining in status quo
Ripple effects - change is often bigger than we realize - there's the change - and then there are the things that change because of the change
Past resentments - the past will try to shame you, and old wounds can make the future difficult to enjoy
Sometimes the threat is real - change is painful - people get hurt during change
Today's Topic: Transcending Uncertainty
Everyone poops
Embrace the feeling
Choose your own adventure
// CHAPTER 1: EVERYONE POOPS
Adam, a friend of mine who still lives in the Midwest used to throw out this phrase every now and then.
One of our kids would be complaining about something, or making a big deal about doing something that was a little uncomfortable. And he would say, "Everyone poops!" In an effort to get them to do what they needed to do.
After a while it just became part of the lexicon in our small group.
You could always count on Adam to throw this out at just the right time.
And it worked - because the underlying message was solid.
Everyone does poop. Nobody gets to escape that simple biological activity.
It doesn't matter how mature you are, how smart you are, or how much money you make.
Everyone poops.
This levels the playing field - and normalizes the behavior.
And so it is with uncertainty...
It's a normal feeling that everyone will feel at some point in time.
Now I know - there are some really confident people in the world - and on the surface - it might seem like they've never felt uncertain a day in their life.
But they have...
Because everyone poops...
I listen to The Deconstruction Zone Podcast religiously.
And last week on episode 37 Emily referenced something that led me to the topic for this week's episode.
They were talking about the "murky parts of life" and she brought up the Netflix Documentary called Stutz.
It's a documentary by Jonah Hill about the therapist he sees - Dr. Phil Stutz.
And the part she referenced was what Dr. Stutz calls the "Three Aspects of Reality":
Pain
Uncertainty
Constant Work
Now the minute I heard this I was bought in - and wanted to hear more. So later on I watched the entire documentary.
Each of these three elements could be a separate podcast episode to unpack.
But today I just wanted to hone in on Uncertainty.
Apparently Dr. Stutz believes in the everyone poops analogy. Because he refers to these three things as part of reality.
In other words - they exist for all of us - and they have a level of impact on each of us.
Now we don't really need to define the word Uncertainty - as we probably all know what it means.
But dictionary.com does provide two additional words in the definition that I wanted to make sure and talk about.
The definition is this: "The state of being uncertain; doubt; hesitancy"
The interesting thing I saw in this definition is that:
Doubt: Seems to be a synonym - a word meaning the same thing. If I'm uncertain - I doubt what is coming next
But Hesitancy: To me is not a synonym - it's more the result of being uncertain. Because you're doubting a situation - you're hesitant to engage in it
// CHAPTER 2: EMBRACE THE FEELING
So we've identified that everyone poops - we all experience uncertainty from time to time.
And my understanding is that this uncertainty is on a spectrum - just like most other things in life:
The sooner we move away from dichotimous thinking the better
A dichotomy is when you place two things against each other - or suggest that there are only two possibilities:
Love and War
Yin and Yang
Male and Female
Good and evil
In each of these scenarios - we fail to see that there is a spectrum between the two:
There is good, and then there is really good, and not quite as good
There is female, and then there is highly feminine and there is Tomboy
And so it is with Uncertainty:
The dichotomy would be: confident and uncertain
But the spectrum would suggest that there are people at every point between the two
And just because you're at one point one day doesn't mean you'll be at that point tomorrow
What we do know is that uncertainty comes with real, tangible side effects - right?
Uncertainty isn't just a mental game. It come with very real feelings and emotions.
Someone who is very susceptible to the effects of uncertainty will most likely experience high levels of anxiety - which creates fear - and produces the inability to act.
Someone in the middle of the spectrum might experience stress and tension - which produces a level of concern and worry - which allows them to act - but with caution.
And still others might recognize the uncertainty - and determine to push it to the side and move forward.
Again - it's a spectrum.
But I want to get back to Dr. Stutz - and the fact that we all face the same realities.
In the documentary he discusses other truths he has stumbled across - and he also discusses tools - things we can use to deal with the difficult realities in life.
But there are were a few things I noticed about each of these tools that I wanted to comment on:
A lot of the tools required quiet, calm and focus:
In other words - Dr. Stutz would tell Jonah to close his eyes, focus and really feel the thing he was seeing in his mind
All of the tools came back to mind over matter:
Very much in the tradition of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT
In other words - in each situation Jonah was feeling the feeling
He was analyzing and thinking about the situation or feeling
And then he would literally talk back to the situation or feeling and ask it questions
Ultimately - Jonah was being asked to think about his thinking
And then choose to think something different
One example was the tool called "Active Love:"
The Dr. asked Jonah to close his eyes and visualize love - all the love in the universe
Think about that love - and pull it all into his body
Then think about a person that he hates - or has issues with
And focus all of the love within him toward that person
Make a connection and feel it deeply
Not forgiving that person, or changing the dynamic on their end
But simply being love - and choosing that posture toward that person vs. giving in to hate
Now - on the surface this might sound a lot like other therapeutic techniques:
Meditation
Guided Meditation
Guided Imagery
Guided Therapeutic Imagery
Similar in that you're picturing things in your mind and allowing them to alter your sense of emotional wellbeing
But in the case of the Active Love tool:
The process is very cognitive as well
Because you're guiding your own mind - telling it what to see and telling it how to think
For years your mind has thought person x is a bad person and deserves to be hated by you
But in this process you are telling your mind to think differently
To choose love
And to choose that person to receive that love
So what does this have to do with Uncertainty?
Well - my assumption is that Dr. Stutz would have you do the same thing:
To stop, get quiet, close you eyes, and visualize the future
Feel all the feelings of uncertainty
Then talk back to them
Tell them what you are afraid of
But then flip the script
Tell your uncertainty where it can go
And tell yourself that you're unafraid of the possible outcomes
There will most likely be good that comes of change
And there will most likely be difficulty that comes from change
But at the end of the day - you've gone through change all through your life - and you are still here
I know that's pretty woo woo - and very high level.
But I just wanted to touch on the process - to show that there are ways to combat Uncertainty in our lives.
We don't have to just live with it - and allow it to dictate our next moves.
We have power over our Uncertainty.
// CHAPTER 3: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE
So when we truly come to believe that we have power over Uncertainty - things start to open up for us.
We experience an increased locus of control. And we see that we can choose our own adventure.
When I look back on my life I see both sides of the coin:
On the one hand I remember the Uncertainty:
It wasn't fun - and at times it created all sorts of issues for me
I remember that feeling right before graduating from high school - a dark sense of anxiety and fear of the future
Sure I knew my next step - I had already applied to and been accepted into college
But I didn't know what it would be like - I didn't know if I could handle the work, and the expectations
I didn't know if I was artistic enough to be any good at Architecture
I doubted myself and was hesitant for the next step to happen
Similarly - I felt this way when I graduated from college
What was I going to do next? Would I find a job? Would I like it? Would I be good at it?
Both times when Uncertainty was a strong part of my experience
But on the other hand - I must have had a level of confidence as well:
Because I kept going
I went to college
I got a job when I left college
I went back to get my MSW when I realized that was the only way to move up in the field
And I've done countless other things in my life even though there was Uncertainty in those situations
On some level - I was able to choose my own adventure.
And on some level - if you look back on your life you probably see the same pattern:
Times where Uncertainty got the best of you - and you felt the anxiety and stress of the situation
But also - look where you're at now! You have been through change - you're dealt with Uncertainty on some level or you wouldn't be where you're at today
But let's go a bit deeper.
What I want to do is take an honest look at my life and ask this question:
"Has Uncertainty kept me from doing something I felt called to do?"
Ouch - right?
Because that's a whole different scenario.
I can look back on my life and be proud of the fact that I slapped Uncertainty in the face a few times.
But am I being totally honest with myself?
Or were there times when I let Uncertainty slap me in the face?:
Were there things I thought about doing - and never ended up trying them?
Were there changes I knew I should make in my life - but I never actually made them?
Did I want to try something different in terms of career? But I'm still doing the same thing?
Did I have a desire to move across the country - to see new things - but find myself stuck in the same small town I grew up in?
So many questions...
But important ones. What does that look like in your life?
If you get really transparent and really honest with yourself.
Is there something you really wanted to do - something you really want to change?
But Uncertainty still has the upper hand?
So let's get tangible before we sign off today.
My desire for myself - as well as my desire for you - is to weather the storm.
To see Uncertainty for what it is - one of the elements that keep us stuck. One of the things that can keep us from embracing change - maturing - moving to the next level - trying something new - evolving if you will.
And then - when we truly see it for what it is - to use the tools we have to combat it.
To push through it and try that new thing. To give it a go - and see what happens.
Yes we'll fail. No things won't always be perfect on the other side.
But it's an adventure! It's a journey!
And when you are laying there at the end of your days - how do you want to look back on your life?
Do you want to look back and see that you protected yourself at all cost? Never tried anything new?
Or do you want to look back and smile - knowing you did new things - you made hard changes - and you gave it your all despite the Uncertainty you faced along the way?
Let's Land the Plane:
This week I want you to think about three things:
Remember - everyone poops...
Embrace the feeling you get when you're Uncertain
Feel it, embrace it and then choose to push through it anyway
Choose your own adventure
Do something new and scary
Change that thing that keeps dragging you down
Move across the country if that's what you feel like doing!
Well friends - that's it for this episode.
I really had a good time doing this one. It just feels so practical right now - in the midst of the Uncertainty our world is generating.
I hope you're up for the challenge - and together we'll do something new yet this week!
Have a great one, see you back here next Monday, and as always, keep Transcending Human!