115 | Transcending Positivity
Date: May 16, 2022
Welcome back to the podcast!!!
Minute of Transparency: Adventure vs. Trial
Today's Topic: Transcending Positivity
Pick a Mood - Any Mood
Going to the Extreme
Finding Balance
// 1. PICK A MOOD - ANY MOOD
I alluded to this a bit in the opener. Suggesting that we are typically one of two people:
People who are Adventuring through life
People who are Enduring life
But as we've discussed before - we can probably break it down even further:
Optimists - positive outlook on life most of the time
Pessimists - negative outlook on life most of the time
Realists - people who view things a certain way because history suggests it. More neutral and able to say it isn't what happens that's important - it's how we respond to it that matters
Idealists - people who lose sight of reality - or don't require it. Aspires to an ideal. Heads are in the clouds thinking about what should be. Somewhat perfectionistic
Opportunists - similar to realists in that they understand both good things and bad things are going to happen. But the next thought is how to benefit from the event. How to take the event, flip it if needed in order to make it work for you
Now we don't need to dive into that any farther. If you're interested in that you can go back to Episode 037 | Transcending Your World View or Episode 69 | Transcending Negativity. We spent a fair amount of time walking through these types in those episodes.
For today - it's just good to remind ourselves that these are buckets we can find ourselves in much of the time.
But I guess my question out of this is, "Does it really matter?"
Does it matter what our world view is? What mood we're in most of the time? Whether we're more positive or negative? Whether introvert or extrovert? What Enneagram number we are?
I mean - the only reason I ask this questions is because every time I've taken a personality inventory like the Enneagram, or Insights Discovery - the first thing they tell you is that all of the options are the same - all are valuable - no specific type is good and the other lacking in some way.
In fact - most (if not all of them) only start talking weaknesses within a type.
What do I mean by that?
Well - if we're talking Enneagram. You won't hear someone say, "Being a 1 is a strength, and being a 7 is a weakness." Because a 1 and a 7 are types and no type is better or worse than another.
What you will hear them say is this, "The Enneagram 1 can either be healthy, or unhealthy. And if they start becoming unhealthy - they start showing weaknesses."
So it's not that one person is strong and another is weak. Everyone has the same opportunity to be strong or weak in the type they find themself in.
So back to my question - if this is true - and it really doesn't matter what type of a person you are - and we're supposed to value everyone equally.
Then do any of these personality traits really matter?
Let's start by throwing out a very ambiguous Yes and No...
Here's why:
On the one hand I don't believe it matters to our salvation:
In other words - I believe there will be optimists AND pessimists in Heaven
You've heard of "Doubting Thomas" right? If you doubt so often you get a nickname - you must be viewing the world in a pretty pessimistic way
And I'm pretty sure Thomas is going to be in Heaven
On the other hand - I do believe it matters to our overall life journey:
In other words - if we have the choice - why not try to view things more optimistically?
Is it going to kill us to be more positive?
I doubt it. And that attempt to be more positive will have an impact on how we, and those around us experience life
I'm guessing when we get to the end of our lives and look back - we won't regret all of the times we tried to see the best in a situation
And that's really my hope for us his week:
Not to become a completely different person
Not to be disloyal to who we are
But to start viewing our life as having options
And picking the better option more often
To Transcend Our Mood if you will
// 2. GOING TO THE EXTREME
So since we're having this conversation about mood - and how we experience life.
I thought it might be interesting to talk about the extremes.
What does it look like to be extremely positive, or extremely negative.
And in doing so - I want to talk about the world view within these extremes.
We'll just refer to them as:
Toxic Positivity
Nihilism
First up: Toxic Positivity
Defined by: The Psychology Group (psychologygroup.com)
"We define toxic positivity as the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. The process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience."
Signs of Toxic Positivity:
Hiding/Masking your true feelings
Trying to “just get on with it” by stuffing/dismissing an emotion(s)
Feeling guilty for feeling what you feel
Minimizing other people’s experiences with “feel good” quotes or statements
Trying to give someone perspective (e.g., “it could be worse”) instead of validating their emotional experience
Shaming or chastising others for expressing frustration or anything other than positivity
Brushing off things that are bothering you with an “It is what it is”
Problems it causes:
Shame
Suppressed Emotions
Isolation
Relation Problems
And just to make it very practical: Here is a list of phrases that suggest Toxic Positivity - from an article by ChoosingTherapy.com:
“Failure is not an option”
“Everything happens for a reason”
“It could be worse”
“Don’t be so negative”
“Other people have it worse”
“Happy thoughts”
“Stay positive”
“You’ll get over it”
“Look on the bright side”
Now it's not that phrases like these are all bad - if used at the right time and with the right application.
But people who suffer from Toxic Positivity are all in. These are the phrases and mantras that come out of their mouths at every turn.
And I'm not trying to be mean to a specific group of people - because I feel like we fall into this trap ourselves - and often!
Tammy and I have had more "adult" conversations with our kids lately - because they're now adults.
And one of the things they have all said is that we didn't do a great job identifying and normalizing feelings:
And the more they explained the more I began to see how it might have happened:
Partly because we may have tried sheltering them from negative emotions
Maybe we didn't model emotional awareness for them?
Maybe we hid our anger and frustration until Tammy and I were behind closed doors?
And I think there was some Toxic Positivity in there as well
Putting on a smile and suggesting they do the same:
Instead of asking them how they were feeling, validating that feeling and then normalizing it - allowing them to take the time needed to work through it
The ChoosingTherapy.com article summarizes with this:
"Toxic positivity pushes people to only focus on positive emotions, even in the face of great hardship. This can intensify underlying negative feelings and make it harder to cope. Positivity-thinking is healthy, but non-stop positivity is unattainable. If you’re struggling with toxic positivity, remember that we all have ups and downs. Honor your emotions and process them to achieve better well-being."
Next, we have the Nihilists.
According to Wikipedia,
Nihilism is from Latin "nihil" which means 'nothing.' It is a philosophy, or family of views within philosophy, that rejects generally accepted or fundamental aspects of human existence, such as objective truth, knowledge, morality, values or meaning. Different nihilist positions hold variously that human values are baseless, that life is meaningless, that knowledge is impossible, or that some set of entities do not exist or are meaningless or pointless.
Now I picked this word - largely because of the pessimistic nature of the belief system. The idea that there is nothing of value in life. That everything is meaningless or pointless.
It may not be the best word. But let's start with it and see where it takes us.
Another word that came to mind was "fatalism" - where you believe we as humans have no control over our existence - or even over our current behavior.
As I was preparing I thought about the Goth subculture - and how they perceive the world.
Now I don't know a lot about this subculture - just the stereotype we formed in our minds based on that small group of kids we remember from high school...
But I did some research in order to speak more intelligently about it.
The subculture was largely influenced and started by the music scene that became known as gothic music.
The Doors, The Velvet Underground, Siouxsie and the Banshees, The Cure, The Smiths, with offshoots like Marilyn Manson among others.
But the subculture didn't stop there - it also had roots in Art, Historical and Cultural periods. Gothic and Horror literature.
And over time the subculture began generating its own content. Literature, music, movies, art, clothing lines, etc.
Now - my biggest finding in all this research was that the Gothic subculture is NOT necessarily as pessimistic as I imagined.
The stereotypes of Goth kids being depressed, suicidal or engaging in self harm - isn't actually part of that subculture.
Wikipedia lists a few research articles that suggest the subculture attracted that type of kid. So the numbers of kids displaying those behaviors was higher in the subculture.
But it wasn't a core element of the subculture. Not a rallying cry if you will.
So back to the Nihilistic person. I still think this exemplifies the other extreme - the polar opposite of someone with Toxic form of Positivity.
This feeling or belief that nothing has meaning - nothing is good.
I probably don't need to say a lot more about the impact that has on us - when we start to feel that way.
There are obvious social and relational implications:
Dating a nihilist would be very difficult as concepts like commitment, marriage and honor may not mean the same them them as they do to you
Then there are the behavioral considerations:
If I don't believe in morals or values - and I don't believe that anything I do can be classified as good or bad
What does that say about my thinking and behaving?
I would probably act in very selfish and self satisfying ways
No need to think about anyone else - no behavior is off limits
Just move through life doing whatever feels good in the moment
// 3. FINDING BALANCE
So I took a hot minute to discuss the extremes of Toxic Positivity and Toxic Negativity (Nihilism).
In order for us to see the dangers of being fanatical - and polarized.
Instead - the suggestion is that we find a healthy balance - that we Transcend Extremes.
And in order to do that - we have to embrace this 3 Step Process:
Step 1:
We need to be realists - acknowledging that there is the potential for good AND bad in the world
Step 2:
When good things happen - celebrate them - fully experience them - and document them so you can look back on them and smile
When bad things happen - we need to emote - to become feelers even if we're bad at it. We need to fully experience the negative emotions, put words to them and deal with them before moving on
Step 3:
We need to move on - no matter if Step 2 was good or bad
Don’t get too caught up in the “goodness” that happened
And choose not to play the victim role forever if it was a negative event
And in moving on - we move forward - back to Step 1 where we have a Realistic outlook on our future. Optimistic, but with an understanding that life isn’t always going to go our way
Now - this process happens in may different ways:
It may be a long, drawn out process that spans a number of years (Divorce, death of a loved one, loss of a job)
It may be. very short process - literally walking through all three steps in one afternoon (Losing a game, getting into a fender bender, having an argument with a friend)
And there is everything in between
The important thing is that we're going through this process each and every time.
Now when really bad things happen - Step 2 can be super difficult.
And it may require that we walk through each of the Stages of Grief.
We're not going to walk through those today - but here they are just as a helpful reminder: According to grief.com and Elisabeth Kubler-Ross:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Okay - before we go I just wanted to do a quick self-assessment.
When I talk about this stuff it often makes me ask myself questions:
So how are you doing in this area?
Are you optimistic enough? Or do you need some work in that area?
And what about Transcend Human?
Obviously it's a direct reflection of me
But for the average listener - how does Transcend Human come across?
Optimistic?
Pessimistic?
Too focused on being Realistic?
Or maybe you feel it borders on Idealism?
That all we talk about are these abstract ideas that sound good in practice - but just aren't attainable
Are we so focused on "transcending everything" that we've lost the practice of silence and solitude?
The ability to just sit and be content with who we are?
Again - these are the questions I ask myself all the time.
But today I'm going to ask you to play along as well.
Email me with your feedback! I welcome it - regardless if it is positive or constructive criticism.
At the end of the day it's the only way to be a Lifelong Learner and to Grow to be the best version of me.
If you're willing to do that: info@transcendhuman.com
Let's Land the Plane:
This week ask yourself these questions:
What type of a person do you tend to be?
Someone Adventuring through life
Someone just Enduring life
Do you ever go to the extremes?
Toxic Positivity?
Nihilism?
If so - how is that working for you? For your family?
How are you finding the balance?
Are you able to live in the middle?
Are you able to navigate the 3 Step Process as you navigate the world?
Okay everyone! Thanks for hanging with us again this week.
Next week is going to be something. I've been working on this episode for close to three weeks now because it's just something that fascinates me.
I've already spilled the beans over on TikTok - but the episode is called Transcending Woke. We're going to chat about the "woke" generation, or people in the country. Possibly a bit about a movement called "The Awakening" which suggests we talk for a bit about "Deconstructionism."
It's going to get deep - and may require more than one episode - but we’ll see.
Looking forward to that - and hope you'll be there with us.
Until then, have a great week, stay positive, and and as always, keep Transcending Human!