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TP08 | Transcendent Parenting | The After Life

Daryl McMullen

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TP08 | Transcendent Parenting | The After Life Daryl McMullen

Date: October 18, 2021

Welcome back!

We are in the middle of a series called Transcendent Parenting.

For those of you following along we're in Week 8.

For those of you just joining, here's where we've been so far:

Week 1: First things first - Strong Marriage
Week 2: Parenting isn't optional - Parenting is a high calling and that you have to be all in
Week 3: Parenting through the stages - Looking at the stages of development from infant to adult
Week 4: Parenting plan of attack - Being proactive vs. reactive in our parenting
Week 5: Sell your helicopter - what it could look like to stop being a helicopter parent
Week 6: Making Memories - how to turn negative events into memories you'll laugh about later
Week 7: Prep for launch - how to ensure they're ready to fly the coop

Today: We're talking about The After Life - what it looks like when all of your kids have flown the coop and it's just you left!

Minute of Parenting Transparency: Were We Prepared For Adult Children?

Today's Topic: The After Life

  1. Enjoying adult children

  2. It takes a community

  3. Leave your mark

// 1. ENJOYING ADULT CHILDREN

In order to talk about enjoying adult children - we need to go back to the beginning - back to the first episode of this series.

Do you remember what it was called? "First Things First"

  • That was the title of our first episode

  • And it's important for us to bring that episode up in this episode

  • Because this is really the culmination of that episode

  • Book Ends if you will:

    • When your kids leave home - you're left with the marriage you started with

    • -or-

    • If you allowed your marriage to deteriorate - you're left with that

  • This is why we started with the episode about building strong marriages

  • Because it needs to be strong to withstand the years with children

  • And, so that when they're gone - you still have a life!

  • Your life as a married couple is able to continue because your kids aren't providing your purpose or meaning in life

  • This is good for you. And it's good for your adult children

  • Just a caveat - if you are a single parent, or a biological parent in a blended family - this might be different

    • Your children might be your world - and there may be no partner

    • Or your partner may be a step parent to your children - and you may not have the same loyalty to that person than you do for your own kids

    • But in both scenarios - you need to have a life of your own - one that continues on when your children leave

    • This is the healthiest scenario for you and for your kids

So in this new phase of life with adult children - how can we stay connected - in healthy ways - not in helicopter parent type ways:

  • Communication

    • How often? Depends on the kid!

    • What communication methods? Call? Text? FaceTime?

  • Visits:

    • Important for parents to make an effort

    • Kids lives will be busy so they won't be the ones making plans

  • Vacations:

    • All family gatherings?

    • Spouses and all?

It's really a new relationship - a new way of approaching our kids:

  • Supporter/Consultant vs. All-knowing Parent (Continue to act like this and they won't want to be around you!)

// 2. IT TAKES A COMMUNITY

We've all heard the phrase, "It takes a community to raise a child."

But I would suggest the following edit, "There will be a community raising your child."

At the end of the day it's just going to happen that way. You can't and shouldn't keep your kids sheltered from everyone and everything.

And if this is true - there will always be other voices speaking into the lives of our kids.

But this is a good thing.

So let’s look at it from two perspectives:

  1. The "community" our kids had when growing up

  2. How we can provide that "community" for others - especially when our kids are grown and out of the house

The "Community" Our Kids Grew Up With:

  • Extended Family

  • Friends (Small Group - “McRuthenders”)

  • Church & Student Ministries

    • Youth Pastors

  • Teachers

  • The Arts & Arts Mentors

    • Drama/theater programs

  • Sports & Positive Coaches

The "Community" We Can Provide:

So what would it look like if we decided to be those things for other people? If we gave back to our community, other couples and other kids?

  • Obviously - we need to be that for our own kids and our grandkids?

  • But could we be there for other couples? Other families? Other kids?

    • By coaching a sport?

    • Provide arts classes in the community?

    • Volunteer at a church or local organization?

    • There are so many ways to give back...

  • And where could we be mentors for others?

    • Multi-generational Small Groups?

    • Are we involved in groups where there are people still in the throws of parenting?

    • Couples who are looking for support, or possibly advice?

// 3. LEAVE YOUR MARK

So what we're doing here is building a case for service. Lifelong service to those around us. And we're moving outward in concentric circles - away from our small, little insulated lives:

  • First, we talked about parenting our own kids

  • Next, we talked about them growing up and leaving the home - becoming adult children

  • Next, we talked about supporting our kids as they become parents

  • Next, we talked about being part of a bigger community where we're supporting other kids and their families

  • And that brings us to an even greater community...

The larger community of people that live just outside what we would consider our community. People who often live in the shadows, on the fringe. People we may never see, or rub shoulders with. But they live in the area. Down the street. In the next town over. People we can, and should be willing to help. And yet it's so easy to pretend they aren't there.

I'm going to turn it over to Tammy at this point. This is one of her passion areas and she will do the best job explaining it.

Tammy's story - why is protecting kids so important?

  • Personal reasons

  • How it shaped the college experience

  • Jobs related to helping kids

  • The nagging related to foster care / social services

  • How it all started (Safe Families)

  • The intent to foster

  • Is adoption the goal?

Here are just some of the ways you can get involved with kids in your community:

  • Safe Families

  • Fostering

  • Adoption

  • Sponsoring a Child

  • Sponsoring a Program (YCO, etc.)

  • Mentoring (Big Brothers. Big Sisters)

  • CASA Program / Guardian Ad Litem

So many ways we can use our history as parents to continue giving back in our community.

Let's Land the Plane:

I know the content today was pretty specific to empty nesters, and those with adult children. But there were things today for everyone:

  • If you have young kids - they will eventually become adult children - so now you know what's coming!

  • If you plan on having kids - same thing - information for the future

  • If you don't have kids - or aren't planning on having them - you're not off the hook!

    • You can still be part of the community - influencing children you come in contact with

    • You can be that teacher, that coach or the fun Aunt with all the right words at the right time...

    • And just because you don't have kids doesn't mean you can't be a Safe Family - or be a foster parent

    • We're all in this together...

That said, here are a few questions for us this week:

  1. If you have adult children - how are you maintaining those relationships?

  2. Are you helping those who are coming after you?

    • Are you supporting your kids as they become parents?

    • Are you mentoring other families as they parent their kids?

  3. And finally, what would it look like for you to give back to your community?

    • Could you open your home to kids who just need somewhere to go for a week or so?

    • Have you ever thought about becoming a foster parent?

All of these are important - and make such a big difference in the world. 

Thank you joining us again this week. Next week we're going to do something a bit different. We've invited out kids to do a "round table discussion" on the topics we've covered in this series. We're calling it the Ruthless Parenting Assessment as we've told them to be honest in their assessment of us, and our parenting over the years.

I'm a bit nervous - but at the same time can't wait for that discussion.

Until then, have a great week, enjoy the after life and as always, keep Transcending Human!

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