066 | Transcending Drama
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066 | Transcending Drama
June 14, 2021
Minute of Transparency: Battle Scars
Today's Topic: Transcending Drama
In this episode:
Drama Isn't Just For the Theater
Does Drama Find Me? Or Do I Find the Drama?
Living the Drama Free Life
// 1. DRAMA ISN'T JUST FOR THE THEATER
So what is drama?
According to dictionary.com we have a couple definitions to choose from:
A composition in prose or verse presenting in dialogue or pantomime a story involving conflict or contrast of character, especially one intended to be acted on the stage; a play
The branch of literature having such compositions as its subject; dramatic art or representation
The art dealing with the writing and production of plays
Any situation or series of events having vivid, emotional, conflicting, or striking interest or results: For example: The drama of a murder trial
The quality of being dramatic. For example: Personal involvement in high levels of conflict, or contrast. Being vivid, emotional, moving or striking
Now obviously we aren't going to talk about the theater in this episode - so we can skip over definitions 1-3.
But it's the last two that will help define our path today.
Definition 5 and 6 offer two sides to the "drama coin" if you will.
Side number one: Events that include drama
Side number two: Being the drama yourself
This is the way we will address drama throughout the episode:
Drama that exists outside of us - as part of the world around us
And drama we create - drama that comes from within us
But before we dive into that further, let's just talk a bit more about drama itself - what it looks like and how it impacts us.
Technically - we need to focus on the drama that comes from inside of us. You. Me. All of us. Because the drama that exists in the world doesn't magically appear. Drama isn't a natural phenomenon in the world.
This drama exists only because there are dramatic people in the world. Let that sink in for a minute.
Life isn't dramatic - people are dramatic...
So if that's true - we need to start there - with ourselves. And ask the question - why are some people drama queens?
I went on a Google search to see what I could find - and here are a few of the ideas I found:
According to Matt Clark from walkingtheshoreline.com
Dramatic people have this in common: "They’re usually bored, discontent people"
Boredom has never been associated with good things - right?
When someone says they are bored - they rarely follow it with, "So I think I'm going to find the cure for cancer."
No! What typically follows is a string of lazy, or bad behaviors
And the same is true for people who are discontent...
A discontent person is rarely positive, uplifting or problem-solving
Instead they tend to be irritable, frustrated and negative
According to Matt, this behavior often causes issues in two places:
Romantic relationships
Friendships
But that dramatic people don't create drama only in these relationships:
Here's a direct quote from Matt: "Perhaps this person needs to create drama to avoid having to think or do something about the state of their own life."
Ouch... To summarize the rest of his comments, he goes on to explain how dramatic people tend to find drama everywhere. They're never quite happy with the world around them. And even when there are reasons to be happy, they tend to sabotage and self-sabotage these things. Ultimately, the dramatic person creates chaos in their environment, similar to the way they saw it in their head before it even existed
Wow... Now that was deep right? The idea that we can actually see the world in a negative light - and then manifest it into reality - sometimes without even thinking about it, or understanding what we're doing...
This is why drama can be so powerful - and why we need to understand how it can infiltrate our lives
There were many articles like this one - so I'll skip through those - and get right to a fun one...
As I was researching drama, I started to see another word emerge - and that word was toxic...
Which makes sense. When a person is all drama all the time - they are said to be toxic. Because their behavior has reached a level that can actually be harmful to those around them.
So the article I found is called, "7 Types of Toxic People and How to Spot Them"
I found it on scienceofpeople.com and the author is Vanessa Van Edwards.
So let's see what she says dramatic, or toxic people look like:
The Conversational Narcissist: People who interrupt, it's all about them and they always seem to be better, or can one-up your story every time
The Straight Jacket: Controlling people who have to be right, can't see your point of view and keep trying to convince you to fall into alignment with their beliefs
The Emotional Moocher: Those who suck the life out of you. They are negative, sad, depressed and always pessimistic. They often bring everyone else down with them
The Drama Magnet: For these people something is always wrong. Once a problem is solved it spawns another one! They want sympathy, and support - but not advice. They often play the victim role in order to place the focus on themselves
The JJ: This person is always jealous and judgmental. Self hate and low self esteem keep them from being happy for anyone else. The jealousy they feel comes out as judgment, criticism and gossip. According to the JJ - everyone else is awful, uncool or lacking in some way
The Fibber: People who lie, fib or exaggerate a lot. Eventually you find you can't see the truths from the lies, so you tend to assume nothing is true
The Tank: People who crush everything in their path. The person who is always right, and always puts themselves first. They believe they are the smartest person in the room, and others are typically seen as below them
I found it interesting that person #4 is referred to as the Drama Magnet. Vanessa calls out drama as one of the 7. But I actually see all 7 as elements of drama - elements that a dramatic, or toxic person would display at any given time.
But I get it. It's fun to pull out these specific behaviors in order to see how drama can be created in so many different ways.
// 2. DOES DRAMA FIND ME? OR DO I FIND THE DRAMA?
Now that we've identified what drama is and what dramatic, or toxic, people look like - we have a few questions that need answered:
Does drama find me?
Do I find the drama?
Now the first question is all about susceptibility:
How susceptible are you to drama that comes your way?
The assumption here is that you aren't the person creating the drama
It's just in your way and you're having to deal with it
But how you deal with it is a big deal
If we're saying drama can be toxic - you need to view it that way - that you can be harmed by it
Now question number two is more about ownership:
How much ownership do you have in the drama around you?
The assumption here is that you may be the one creating the drama
Or at least jumping right in and stoking the fire
In this scenario - you might be the toxic person - causing harm to others
Now if you are the one creating drama, there's a good chance you might need to take a long look in the mirror:
Is there self-centeredness? Drama often stems from being hyper-focused on your needs vs. those of others
Do you have a "Survival of the Fittest" mindset? It's me or them - so it better be me...
Are you bored? Like we talked about already, boredom often leads to drama
Are you discontent? We talked about how this leads to being irritable, frustrated and negative much of the time
Now if you're not creating the drama, but still getting sucked into it - you might need to take a look in the mirror as well:
Are you sucked in because you have the same tendencies?
Self-centered?
Me vs. everyone else?
Boredom?
Discontent?
Or are you really not that way - but you've surrounded yourself with people who are and you find yourself becoming more and more like them?
And in this scenario - can you see the negative impact it is having on you?
Making you less positive?
Making you irritable and angry?
Changing the way you view other people and how you treat them?
Making it hard to focus on every day life in order to focus on the drama?
These are just a few of the ways drama can be toxic to the people who aren't even generating it - but may have been around it for too long...
// 3. LIVING THE DRAMA FREE LIFE
Let me start by saying this is not 100% possible...
I mean maybe - if you moved to some deserted island and lived by yourself for the rest of your life - then sure - possibly...
But since that isn't our reality - we must face the fact that drama will always be around. Just the fact that we come into contact with numerous people throughout our day suggests we will bump into dram every now and then.
If not with family members or other relationships - with random people in lines at the grocery store. At some point and time it's going to happen.
We will be tempted to create drama, or we will be forced to deal with it from others.
And in these situations - how can we choose to live the drama-free life? How can we Transcend Drama when faced with it?
Let me suggest three ways. I'm going to call them Antidotes - Antidotes to the drama virus:
Antidote #1: Truth & Transparency
Drama typically contains lies, untruths, half truths, shading the truth, misleading conversations, etc.
So one way to combat drama is to start telling the truth
Be honest and be willing to have conversations about things that are true
This is being transparent - being open to showing other people the real you - the vulnerable side
Having conversations that start like this: I feel sad when the following happens...and I wish the following would happen instead...
Antidote #2: Growth & Love
Not only is drama based on lies, and untruths
But it is also built on smoke and mirrors
It tries to get us to see things that aren't actually there
It tries to get us to believe things that seem true - but haven't been proven
And it tries to get us to act on emotions and feelings that may be manipulated at times
Because of this - we need to grow up. Growth is all about learning, and testing the things we see
We need to dig deeper to ensure we aren't falling for things that aren't true
And finally - we need to love better. Ask ourselves, "What is the loving thing to do?"
This would change a lot of things - because drama is typically NOT based in love
So if we run it through the love filter first - we should be able to determine if it's worth pursuing or not
Another area where love is required is in Antidote 1 - especially in the Truth telling part
Telling the truth is great - but the truth can be hurtful at the same time
Telling an overweight person they are overweight might be the truth - but not loving at all!
Have you heard the phrase, "Telling the truth in love?"
That's what we're going for here
Telling truths that are loving, and choosing not to say things that we know will be harmful to others
By the way - did you notice that Antidote 1 and 2 combined make up the 4 Core Values of Transcend Human?
Truth
Transparency
Growth
Love
Interesting right? Not only that those 4 values help us rise above the human condition - but they also help us transcend drama...
But let's keep moving...
Antidote #3: Get Yellow
If you've been around for a while you've probably heard me talk about Spiral Dynamics
It's a pretty crazy theory on human development - one that incorporates many of the previous theories into one
And if you do a little reading - you'll see that as individuals - we all fall somewhere on the spiral
Now we can bounce up and down on the spiral, but we all have a Center of Gravity - it's the level where we feel most comfortable and it's where most of our thinking and behaving comes from
So when it comes to drama, I would suggest the following:
Most drama takes place at the lower levels:
Beige is all about survival
Purple is superstitious and wary
Red is powering up in order to control others and your environment
Blue is a dogmatic focus on a belief system
Orange is scientific enlightenment - but often used to get ahead
So my take on it is this: As you move up the levels you are less likely to experience drama
Especially when you get to Yellow
Yellow is called the Synergy, or Integral level
And according to Clare Graves from toolshero.com people at this level are said to have the following outlook on life:
"At this level, it is about system thinking. Realizing that everything is interconnected. Tolerance is the key word in this. People work together in a system in which they make their own decisions."
It's also call "Integral" because you start to realize that every level in the spiral is integrated, and interrelated on some level
You stop looking at others as "higher" or "lower" than you - that we all have inherent worth
You are able to view peoples shortcomings and personality traits as stemming from their world view
You can transcend differences in order to celebrate our common existence
You understand that you have all of the levels (or colors) within you
And you start to view others the same way - choosing to meet them right where they are at
When you fully embrace Yellow, you experience things like this:
Maybe at one point you were a conservative
Then, at some point you moved over to be a liberal
But in Yellow, you see the benefits and the issues that arise from both
You start to see that it isn't necessarily "either or," it might actually be "both and"
You start to feel like you don't belong in the polarizing conversations happening these days
Instead, you see the positive that comes from each of the stages
Antidote #4: See the Drama Behind the Drama
So remember earlier when I said, "Life isn't dramatic - people are dramatic?"
Well...that wasn't 100% true...
There is drama going on behind the scenes - outside of our three dimensions
Call it a battle, call it spiritual warfare, call it God vs. Satan, Angels vs. Demons
It really doesn't matter what you call it
What matters is whether or not you believe it is true, and if you understand it
Because if you believe it, and understand its significance - it can be the most effective Antidote to the Drama Virus
Here's why:
You will understand your role in the battle - that God and Satan are fighting over you
You will understand that the choices you make - including the choice to start drama - are eternal choices
God is hoping you lean to the side of love
Satan is hoping you stoke the fires and keep drama alive and well
You will understand that your behavior isn't just between you and a few other people - your behavior is eternal
You may feel like a pawn in a heated game of chess
But any good chess player will tell you that one pawn can mean the difference in winning or losing the entire game
You will understand that we're all in this together
Each of us has intrinsic value
God is fighting for you, but He's also fighting for me, and the Muslim down the street
Understanding this makes drama less of a thing - right?
If we look at those around us as siblings - all loved by the same parent - we're less likely to start drama, and more likely to develop a bond, and a sense of loyalty with them
Let’s Land the Plane:
I hope you were able to find next steps in the 4 Antidotes I threw out there. I know Antidote 3 was a little out there - but it's not the end of the world. If you focus on #4 first, then throw in a little #1 and #2 for good measure - you should be well on your way to a drama-free life. Or almost drama-free life...
No questions for today - just focus on those Antidotes - and what you can do this week to keep drama from ruling your life.
Thank you for joining us. Have a great, drama-free week, and as always, keep Transcending Human!