056 | Transcending Naughty
April 5, 2021
Minute of Transparency: What type of coffee drinker are you?
Today's Topic: Transcending Naughty
In this episode:
We All Have a Past
Tell the Whole Story
Choose a Better Future
// 1. WE ALL HAVE A PAST
This episode really piggy backs off a previous episode.
In Episode 052 | Transcending Your Past - we talked about not letting your past define who you are today.
And this episode tries to flesh that out even further. I wanted to take a slightly different approach to understanding some of the naughty things we did, and may still do today...
So why did I call it "naughty" and not bad, inappropriate, sinful or harmful?
Well, because a coworker once told me, "I just like the word 'naughty' - It sounds so funny..."
So that's why I used the word "naughty" - this one's for you Jami Ruth!
To start, let's get a simple definition cooking for the word:
Dictionary.com defines "naughty" as:
Disobedient; mischievous (used especially in speaking to or about children)
Improper, tasteless, or indecent
So pretty much what we would expect:
Disobedient stands out when I think back to my childhood. I was disobedient to my parents, and teachers at times:
There are many stories, but two that come to mind:
One time, I did the whole running away thing. I must have been mad at my parents, or felt like I wasn't being listened to, or I may have been naughty and just didn't want to accept my consequences... But for whatever reason, I pulled together everything I thought I would need to live on my own - tent, sleeping bag, backpack with clothes and snacks. I got it all attached to my bike, and I set off - 2 1/2 miles to my school where I set up shop in the grass behind the building. I put up the tent, got everything situated, had a few snacks and then realized my mistake. I had snacks, but it was getting close to dinner time - and I was hungry - for real food. So, I packed everything up and rode home with my tail between my legs... So naughty...
Another time, I got a little too big for my britches at school. We were playing baseball, and for some dumb reason, in elementary school, it seemed to be a pretty heated game. We must have all been a little competitive. At any rate, one kid did something I didn't like and the words started to fly. Whatever he said irritated me enough to where I thought I had to escalate things. So I found his baseball glove and filled it with dirt. That of course didn't go over well, so he took a run at me and at the last second jumped into the air in an attempt to kick me square in the chest. I wasn't into karate, or any form of martial arts, but instinctively I moved to the side and pushed him. This made him really lose his balance, and land flat on his back - knocking the wind out of him. For all of this, we both got spanked at school, our parents were called and we were suspended for a couple days. Again with the naughty...
And some of my adult behavior could probably be considered improper, or even indecent...
I won't go into too much detail here - but here are a few situations:
In college - I found myself dealing with road rage. Not sure why, but it could be that I'm an Enneagram 1 - and an unhealthy 1 becomes upset when other people don't pull their weight, when they buck the system, when they are lazy, and when they don't follow rules that should be obvious to everyone - right? So anyway - this led to a number of incidents where I chased, cut off, brake checked, of communicated with my hands when irritated with another driver. Naughty...I know...Very improper...
Another thing I look back on and cringe - was my use of social media back when it first came out. Like others I fell into the bad habit of using it as a way to call people out, bash ideas and otherwise be obnoxious from a distance. I don't think ever said anything that could get me into trouble, or something that would have ended a friendship. But I look back at my Tweets when Twitter first became a thing and I'm not proud of them. Some of them shock me a bit and I wonder, "Was I really like that? How closed-minded. I can't believe I actually thought things like that - it's embarrassing." Naughty even...
So what about you? Is it the same? When you look back can you identify the naughty behavior you've displayed in your past?
// 2. TELL THE WHOLE STORY
In Episode 052 we talked about past behavior impacting our present and future. And that is a BIG problem.
But we also talked about the past in a variety of ways:
Bad things that happened to us
Bad things people did to us
And bad things we did
But in this episode, we're focusing on the last one. The bad, or naughty things we did in the past.
Now the outcome is the same - we talked about this behavior impacting us in the present, and having the ability to ruin our future.
But we didn't spend a lot of time on how to keep it from ruining your life.
We just glossed over that part.
So today, I wanted to walk through a process. A very real way you can take one of those naughty things you did, and walk it through from beginning to end. All in an attempt to work through it, come to terms with it and move forward in health.
And we're simply going to refer to it as: "Telling the Whole Story:"
Step 1: Define the Act/Event/Behavior:
Sometimes this is the hardest part
We have flashes, small memories of it but that's all
Our minds don't want us to fully remember it or it would be too difficult, too sad, too embarrassing
But we must define it in the most accurate terms possible
I believe it is Dr. Phil that uses the phrase, "You have to name it, before you can claim it."
In other words, if you can't even accurately explain what is was you did, how can you expect to work through it and move on?
Example:
The fuzzy explanation is, "People told me I drank a bit too much at times."
Naming it correctly sounds more like, "I chose to use alcohol. This led to a pattern of behavior where I drank 3-6 mixed drinks every night of my life. It led to family problems, driving under the influence, a lack of productivity, and emotional baggage that weighed me down to the point where I almost gave up on myself."
Wow... See the difference?
In the first statement there is no ownership. No details about the problems it was causing. And a minimization of the impact it had on you, and the world around you
In the second statement - there is ownership. There are details about the level it got to and the dangerous behaviors that went along with it. And the final statement details that it was almost a life or death thing at some point
This is what we mean when we say Define It
Step 2: Verbalize that It Was Wrong:
This is really the next step in the process - being able to say without shading the truth, or minimizing your behavior that it was in fact wrong
In the traditional 12 Step programs like AA, you follow a similar pattern.
In meetings you start with something like this, "Hello. My name is Daryl and I'm an alcoholic."
That is defining the Act or Behavior
And then - future steps build on top of that
For example, in Step 8, you make a list of the things you did to other people. In Step 10 you continue to take responsibility for the negative behaviors you have, etc.
In a similar way, our Step 2 is to verbalize that it was actually wrong
Wrong because it hurt other people. Wrong because it was illegal. Wrong because it went against your religious beliefs. Wrong because you broke promises you made to people.
Step 3: Ask Forgiveness (if Appropriate):
If you know for sure your behavior harmed another person - it can be a healthy next step to ask for forgiveness
At the same time, there are situation where it is not helpful - and you need to figure this out. If you can't, ask someone you trust, ask a counselor. But don't just go to the victim because it looks like it is a step on a list
If it is appropriate - go to the person and explain:
This is what I did
I know it was wrong
I'm sorry for the way I acted
I'm asking you for forgiveness
And then let it be
The person has the right to accept your request, or reject it
At that point you've done your part and that's all you can do
If the person chooses not to forgive you, it then becomes a set of chains they will wear moving forward - chains that come with holding a grudge
Step 4: Forgive Yourself:
At this point, some people keep beating themselves up over the very memory of the thing they did
Also - some people may place this step higher in the list - suggesting that you have to fix yourself before you can ask for forgiveness
But for some reason I like it here
Sure - work on yourself before you ask others for forgiveness, but my guess is that you may struggle with your past even after that
So I placed it here...
When you're really ready to forgive yourself you will probably believe the following:
You are loved. The God who created you, loves you. This is the spiritual side of the 12 Step process for a reason
Understanding that you missed the mark just as our kids miss the mark is a HUGE shift in perspective
When our kids get a bad grade on a test, or come home drunk after going to a party - we don't love them any less - and we would still do anything for them
Similarly, this is the way God views you
And the Bible makes it sound like the love He has for us goes even deeper than the love a parent has for their child
If you can get to the place where you fully believe this - you're on your way
Next, you move to purpose
If the God of the universe created me, and loves me - I have purpose and value
And if I have purpose and value - what am I doing standing here wallowing in the past?
I need to find my true path, and get on it
Step 5: Grow/Mature:
In this step you do the following:
Do a hard examination of the behavior
What can you learn from it?
How can you do things differently?
AA calls it People, Places and Things:
Are there people that contributed to your behavior?
Are there places you used to go that supported your behavior?
And were there things you did that enabled the behavior?
Figure these things out and do the opposite - or at least make changes in these areas
Choose a better path
Become proactive vs. reactive
Set goals, create guardrails, allow other people to call you out on your behavior
And keep moving forward
// 3. CHOOSE A BETTER FUTURE
This last section isn't rocket science. In fact it's just going back over Step 5.
To grow and mature is to choose a better future - one where we're less naughty...
It's gaining clarity on the past and choosing that you don't want to make the same mistakes over and over again.
It's looking into the future and seeing possibilities. Seeing a light at the end of the tunnel vs. only darkness.
And this is just viewing the future from a selfish point of view. Choosing a better future because it benefits you. Because it is the next right thing for you to do.
Take this to the next level and you will do it for others, and for the world. Ultimately following God's new commandment:
"So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” John 13:34-35
Let’s Land the Plane:
This week, ask yourself the following questions:
Have you dealt with some of the naughty things you've done in your past?
If not, what would it look like to use the "Tell the Whole Story" method?
And finally, what does "Choosing a Better Future" mean to you? What does it look like? And what decisions would it require you make?
That's all for today - thank for being with us. I hope this has been helpful to you regardless where you're at in life, or in your faith.
Until next time, Happy Easter! Have a great week, stop being naughty, and keep Transcending Human!
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